My Voice for My Heart

Chapter 22: Gone

Rab

My head was killing me. I blinked bleary eyes, a steady thrum of pain pounding just behind my temples.

As the world came into focus, I found myself nose to Ciaran's ass.

"Fuuuu..." I swore, grunting and pushing myself up. The full moon rose over the meadow and it took me a moment to remember where I was. Ciaran leapt to his feet, and I wasn't far behind. Coíseam, ever vigilant, scanned the meadow and frowned before running after us.

"There was no thistle left," he said, as we ducked under branches.

"So?" I asked. "Maybe she finished?" 
Coíseam didn't answer aloud, but I felt his disagreement.

"Where is she?" I heard Ciaran roar. I felt panic bloom in my chest and looking around at my brothers, I saw the same emotion reflected on their faces.

"She's gone," Balthair stated.

Dand pushed past them, pulling aside the blind and diving into the cave. I heard him rooting around and watched mats and bowls fly out of the entrance.

"Everything's gone."

"What the fuck do you mean everything's gone?" I asked.

"All her work. There's no sign of her. There's still food... unworn clothes!" Dand's voice got deeper and louder with each punctuated point.

"Split up," Balthair ordered. "Comb the forest. Look for signs of her. We have eight hours, maybe nine, before the sun comes up and we have to leave."

"Maybe she left," I said, staring at a shawl that had caught on a tree branch. "Maybe she decided it wasn't worth it." My mind confirmed it, repeating to me, you're not worth it.

"No," Athol's voice was quiet and deep. He met my gaze with a calm, black-eyed stare and shook his head. "She would not give up. She loves us."

"Enough," Balthair interrupted. "Get searching."

Finn nodded at me, and Aohdan joined us. We went in different directions. Athol, Ciaran, and Coíseam went south; and Balthair, Dand, and Iasan went east. We took the river north. Finn set a fast pace. His face was pale, and he was uncharacteristically quiet.

"Stop," he directed, as the river dipped under the ground. He pointed to the forest floor. The ground here was wet. It sucked at our shoes, covering them in leaves and mud. He pointed to a small footprint on the ground.

"Keela," I said, recognizing the small-heeled imprints as the shoes that Finn and I had stolen for her during our first transformation.

We'd wanted to take care of her.

After we were first transformed, we flew away in fear. Our fear controlled us. We traveled until we were exhausted and forced to stop. We stayed where we landed.

I think.

But then something changed. My swan was anxious, jumpy. One day, Balthair had flown into the sky, circling, calling to us. We had followed and he led us south.

I still didn't quite remember where we were. My consciousness was different when I was a swan. I had no memories. I didn't make plans. I merely reacted to my perceptions. The perception of hunger made me find food. The perception of fear sent me flying up into the sky, or squawking nervously. It was a blessing in some ways. I didn't know I was human while I was a swan. I didn't know that the person I loved more than anything was in danger.

Still...

Even as a swan, I felt the ache of Keela's absence. I felt the fear of something happening to her, though it a more instinctive fear. Of all of us, Balthair seemed to hang onto his human consciousness more. I swear it was that which had us changing directions and flying toward Keela as the moon waxed.