My Voice for My Heart

Chapter 39: Almost Nine

(A/N- This section is mature- it is marked by ***. Thanks!) 

I awoke staring at the cave ceiling again. This time my feet were outside, half buried in snow. I sat up, pulling myself inside and pushing off my frozen boots with worried hands. I didn't recognize my hands. I hadn't for a long time, but it's been getting worse. My joints were so swollen now that my fingers curled toward my palm, like claws. I could make it to the stream each morning, but I was often out of breath by the time I reached there. I still had plenty of food. I had stores of dried meat and berries, but I kept forgetting to eat them.

Something was wrong and I could only hope that when everyone appeared again, they would help me figure it out. I found the shirt I'd been working on yesterday tangled against the cave wall. This wasn't like me either. I'd been so careful with the other ones, storing them each night, folding the material, checking my supplies. It seemed like I couldn't keep track of them now. I spread the shirt on the ground, checking for rips and tears. The wind had blown it around the cave, and it had stuck to the rock interior. Lucky.  I bit my lip. It could just as easily have flown out the entrance and into the woods. I may never have found it, and I would never be able to replace the fabric I'd lose.

This wouldn't work. I couldn't forget things like this if I wanted to save my family. I gently smoothed the shirt, brushing away the debris that had caught on it. I put my hands on my knees, closing my eyes and trying to focus.

I needed a plan. Not a long-term plan, but one for the day. I needed something to keep me moving forward. I looked around the cave.

First, food. I needed to eat every morning, and I needed to eat throughout the day. Second, supplies. I had to make sure my supplies were taken care of, hidden and dry. Third, weaving. I never forgot to weave, that was the task that consumed my brain. Fourth, rest. If I didn't get enough rest, I'd forget to do everything else. I bit my lip, trying to figure out how I could remind myself of the tasks that I needed to complete. The floor was hard now, almost frozen and I couldn't scratch out a list. I needed something visual though. Considering everything in the cave, I finally decided to set up areas that I would move to during the day. I would have a place to eat, and then a place to weave, a place to store my supplies, and a place to rest. I would pick up my work and go to each place, hoping that the new set up of the space would be enough to remind me to do these things.

I started immediately. I moved to the food, forcing myself to eat and drink past the feeling of full. I felt like my body was betraying me, tricking me into thinking I'd had enough when I hadn't. I moved to the work station next, weaving and sewing until I ran out of thread and had to get up to go to the supply area. I took less material than I usually did, because it would ensure that I moved to each spot again, before going back to the food area, sipping water and eating handfuls of nuts and dried berries.

By the time I'd moved back to the work area, I was feeling more alert, and by the time that the sun began to set, I was feeling better than I had in days. Best of all, the shirt needed one more arm.

I was not going to work until I fell asleep tonight. I was going to organize for the next day, wrap up my shirts, eat, and go to sleep. 

I huddled into the corner of the cave after eating. My hand holding the basket of shirts in as tight a grip as I could manage. I turned onto my side, pulling the basket up to my chest, wrapping my body around it while my mind drifted.

I wondered what it would be like to fall asleep in the arms of my family. I'd had a small taste of it, the last full moon, but now I imagined a future of nights with them. An icy wind whipped through the entrance, making me shiver and burrow beneath the mats. I imagined it was Balthair's arms around me, and not woven grass. The wind cooled my overheated face, but that night, the night of the last full moon, nothing could have cooled me off.