Star Wars Preferences and Imagines

13: Rey- Help Me (Trigger warning)

  //If you are going through depression and suicidal thoughts, I wouldn't suggest reading it unless you can handle yourself and not do any harm to yourself. I myself have suffered (i wasn't diagnosed, bc my parents are fuck ups, but basically i was sad and numb for literally 5+ years) through depression and suicidal thoughts, so I get it. Ive gone through all of the shit except the meds, I already said why and I really don't want to get into bc of bad memories. Please, if you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me. But, if you are going to talk to me, please be willing to actually get help. There is nothing more frustrating than someone who asks for help but refuses to take it. Love yourself, and I hope the rest of your day is cool beans ♥Etta//

Tears streamed down my face as I clutched my knees to my chest. I heaved, trying to steady my breathing. My hands shook as I wiped the tear stained hair out of my face. I felt another sob come at the back of my throat. I bit my hand to keep it down, but to no avail.
Rey had been gone for a month now, and I could feel the walls closing in. If I had remembered how hard it was to be alone, and if I had just told her, maybe she would've stayed. No. I would never be so selfish as to stop Rey from achieving her dream. Luke was like the dad she never had; She now had a chance to be with someone who would teach and counsel her and treat her like their own daughter. I could never give her that comfort, and it has been destroying me.
For nights on end, I lay awake wondering if she thinks of me from time to time. Perhaps not, maybe she's happier that way. The thought sent out a wail that shook my bones like an earthquake.
She always made me happy, something I haven't felt in a long time. She made me smile, laugh, happy. I couldn't live without her. Her absence was killing me.
I snapped a rubber band against my wrist, willing myself to focus on the pain instead of her. It only made it worse. My head was clouded, and I found that I could not think at all. I was empty; numb.
I sat on my bed, motionless, staring at the wall. How could I be so numb in a time like this? I was breaking, falling down, and yet I sit still. It was almost meditative, sitting like I am. Iti almost calmed me, that was until wave two hit.
Tears slid down my cheeks, silently. I got up, ignoring the ringing of my phone, and walked into my bathroom. I stared into the mirror, wondering where I went wrong. I opened the medicine cabinet, and took out a bottle of sleeping pills. The ringing of my phone made my head pound; I recognised the ringing. I ignored it, opening the bottle. Before I could lift it to my lips, I heard it go to voicemail.
"Hello, love, I'm sorry it's been too long. Hang in there, I'll be home before the sun goes down! I can't wait to see you! I hope you have been doing well without me, I've missed you so much. It's been pretty lonely without you with me. For whatever reason you can't answer the phone, please call me when you can if i'm not home by the time you hear this. I love you, see you soon."
The bottle fell from my fingers and hit the floor. A sob left my throat as I sat on the bathroom floor with my face in my hands. I was about to kill myself; how selfish. Rey would have come home to see me dead; It would have killed her.
"Im so sorry, i'm so so sorry." I whisper, to whom was a mystery. To me, to Rey, to everyone.
I used my arms to push myself off the floor, wiping the tears off of my face. It was seven o'clock, and the sun was nearing the horizon; She would be home soon. I picked up my phone and ran my thumb over the screen. Perhaps, when she gets home, I will be okay again. One can only hope.

//Sorry if this isn't what you are looking for or if it isn't that good, i'm kind of sick rn U-U//

||Playlist|| //i have forgotten to do these lately lmao//
Run by daughter (acoustic) //im dead//
Candles by Daughter
Smother by Daughter
All I want by Kodaline
Wicked Game by James Vincent McMorrow
Lanterns Lit by Son Lux //this one really got me//
Enough of our machines by Son Lux
Two by The Antlers
Sylvia by The antlers