Spideypool One Shots (ON HOLD)

Drunk Texts

Not mine! Credit to Spideypoolhell on archive of our own.

Peter Parker got home and slammed the door. It was late, it had been a particularly trying and exhausting day at the office. Just another day in the life of a CEO, Peter sometimes wondered why he had chosen this career path littered with piles of corporate bullshit. He walked into his kitchen and found a bottle of bubbly, white wine. He opened it and didn't even bother pouring himself a glass. He drank as deeply as he could, straight from the bottle. He made his way to his couch and nested there.

An hour went by, Peter didn't do anything except drink and think. Almost all of the bottle was gone and Peter realized he was drunk off his tits. He felt his phone vibrate and checked it.

Deadpool:
Hey Spidey, sup? Where you at bat cat?

'This is going to be fun,' thought Spidey, 'just what I need, my favourite outlet for hostile childishness,'

Spiderman:
Not going out
I'm drunk
And they say you should drink and drive
Shouldn't

Deadpool:
OMG
I've hit the crackpot!
Drunk Spidey! YES! I've dreamed of this for so long
Drunk text me
Anything you wanna talk about? ;)

Spiderman:
No
Yes
I want to congratulate you Wade
For trying to be a better man

Deadpool:
Aw, shucks, <3 <3 <3 c; =D ILU

Peter quirked an eyebrow, lying across his couch on his stomach, wine bottle forgotten on the floor. He needed to make this more interesting.

Spiderman:
However
Sometimes I wonder if this is all an elaborate attempt of yours to diddle my dingle dongle

Deadpool:
YOUR DINGLE HOO wHAT?
LMFAOOOooooomg!!!#HAHAHAHAHAAA

Peter was giggling madly and rolling around on the couch. This was too much fun.

Spiderman:
I just want to remind you that you're married
And that any possibility of us ever happening died a long time ago
Along with any last shred of your gayness
You faux mo

DEADPOOL:
WHAT THE
WHAT
WhaTTT
WHAAAAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?! POSSIBILITY??@?@?@ WHAT POSSIBILITY?!!?!?!?!?!

Spiderman:
Drunnk spdermn
Thas was happening byitch

Peter was laughing hysterically into a pillow and pounding the couch with his hand.

Deadpool:
Oh my gaawwd, where have you been all my life drunk Spidey?
I need to show you just how gay I am fo you, babydoll!

Spiderman:
Well you can't, married man
S'cool, I know your flirts were all just lies like everything else that flies out of your moth
But y'know if they weren't
We'll never know what could have been
We could have had something beautiful

Peter was crying he was laughing so hard. He was imagining Deadpool's brain exploding.

Deadpool:
Whut
Omg
No
Way
Is this real?
Noo fucking way

Spiderman:
Who cares you married someone else
Hate you forever now bye

Peter actually did feel an extraordinary rage towards Deadpool ever since he got married. He would have pondered it longer if he wasn't so drunk.