The Mess I Made

Blame It On the Rain

"Does she look at you the way I do? Try to understand the words you say and the way you move. Does she get the same big rush when you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush? Am I crazy?"

-x-

It's nice to have just a little bit of hope. You can't go through life being pessimistic. That's how I use to be but after rehab I learned to be okay with myself. I learned that I was a good person inside. I just made a few poor choices that I'm still paying for.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss Nikki. She was always so much more than a sister to me. We were best friends too. Sure, we fought but what siblings didn't? There were times when we would get into screaming matches because we took each other's clothes without asking but we were always fine in the end.

That was until I started drinking. We practically hated each other. She would do anything to get away from me. She would spend a lot of nights at the library or meeting up with Michael somewhere. I drove her away just like I did with everyone else but it didn't stop there. I drove her home, drunk out of my mind. I could barely see straight and I should've known better but at the time I didn't care. I was angry because she wanted to go home early and now I know that it was for a good reason. I should have called a cab for her but I didn't. I just didn't think about it. The only thing I was focused on was the alcohol. She should've been my main priority. I've known that for a while now. She trusted me and I let her down.

I hope she forgives me, wherever she is because then maybe I'll be able to forgive myself.

-x-

The rain was already pouring by the time that we got out of Starbucks. If it was up to me, I would've sat in Starbucks until it stopped but we had to get a move on. The boys had a show that night and were already running low on time. They were suppose to have started soundcheck about fifteen minutes ago but that obviously did not happen.

Zach walked over to his car and smacked his hand to his forehead, "My car is out of gas. Would you guys mind if I drive with you?"

Michael shrugged and got into the passenger seat of my car.

I waved him over, "Come on. I did drive all the way over here to get you anyway."

He didn't respond. He just walked to the car and hopped into the backseat.

"Alrighty then." I muttered to myself before getting in. Please don't tell me we are back to square one. I put the car into drive and pressed lightly on the gas. 

For most of the way it was quiet. None of us really knew what to say because we didn't want to mess any progress we had made in the past hour or so. At least I didn't want to anyway.

The only sound you could hear was Zach sighing. I swear he was doing it just to piss me off. I remember telling him time and time again that I hated when my mom sighed when she was upset about something.

"Stop sighing."

"I'm not." said Zach staring out the window.

"Then what is that noise?" I asked, looking over at Michael. He wasn't paying the slightest bit attention to Zach and I. He was too busy looking in his wallet.

He asked frantically, "Where is it?" Michael dumped his entire wallet on to his lap and shifted through money, loose pieces of paper, and credit cards, "I can't find it. I couldn't have lost it." He looked all around him.

"What'd you lose?" asked Zach.

"My picture."

"You can always just print off another."