The Mess I Made

Coming Home

"Where the memories always will keep you company whenever you're alone. After all of my running I'm finally coming home."

-x-

Sometimes you can't find all of the words that you so desperately want to say. When you finally find some words to say they just can't compare to what you are feeling. They just fall flat. It's like they don't even matter.

There were so many words running through my head when I saw Steven walk through that door but when I was standing in front of him I couldn't think. Nothing I could say would ever be enough. It wouldn't take back the things that he did. It wouldn't help him see that what he did was wrong. The only way he could see the wrong in his situation is if he came across it himself. He needs to figure it out because we all did the moment we found out.

I can call him all the names in the book, which I probably already did. It's not going to do anything except make me feel better for a second.After that it's just going to leave a hole in my chest. I can't fill that hole up with insults or hatred.

I can only fill it with the good people in my life. I may have some of them back but there is one person who's still a bit lost. I don't blame her. She didn't just lose one daughter, she lost two. The moment I picked up a bottle I lost my relationship with my mother. Our relationship was never perfect, if anything it was far from it. I don't know if I can mend it completely but I have to try eventually right?

-x-

I didn't stop to hear what Cassidy had to say because frankly I don't give a damn. I don't want to hear how Steven is such a great guy and how they've been best friends forever. Nothing is going to change my mind about that son of a bitch, especially not some girl I barely know.

I took a seat on the curb and waited for the others to come outside. I hugged my legs close to my chest and just sat there.

"Are you okay?" Zach took a seat next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder waiting for an answer.

I sighed, "I wish people would stop asking me that."

"Would you rather me come out here and ignore you?"

"No."

"Then stop complaining." Zach scooted just a bit closer to me, "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"There's not much to tell. You pretty much saw it all."

"Sometimes it's better to talk about things instead holding them up inside."

"I'm aware Dr. Phil. I just don't really want to talk about it. I don't have the energy to."

"Fine, I wont press any further." The others came out. Cassidy still looked about as confused as ever so I'm guessing she didn't take my offer about talking to her so called best friend. Zach stood up brushing off his pants, "We should probably get going."

Without another word we all went into the tour bus and sat in the living room part of the bus. There were two couches on both sides of the bus and two TV's so you had the option to watch either one so there wouldn't be as much fighting over what to watch. Knowing all of us, we'll still find a way to fight.

No one mentioned another word about Steven even though you could tell they were all itching to know about what had went on between the two of us but I kept my mouth shut. The boys spent most of the ride playing Call of Duty while Ariana and I watched without much protest. Cassidy on the other hand was looking even more uncomfortable by the minute. One minute she was fiddling with her navy sweats and the next she was picking at her skin.

I was never good with new people so I didn't know what to say to her. That's why I'm so determined to keep the same friends that I've had since I was in Elementary school.