Beneath The Mask

chapter 30 RD

My:
::shows up after last client::
C:
Have a better rest of the day, Miss Ellen.

Ms.E:
::just a slow nod::
::leaves::

C:
::feels bad for Miss Ellen::

Nancy:
...Dr. Allen, someone is....quite insistant on meeting with u now.

C:
...

Nancy:
I tried telling him we're closed for the rest of the day.

C:
::sighs::
Ok.
send him back.
My:
::walks in::
Welcome home
C:
What is it this time, Mike?
My:
::flicker of annoyance::
I think your boyfriend may be getting himself into more trouble
C:
I dont know what ur talking about.
My:
::@@::
We discovered one of his colleagues dead
C:
and ur assuming Jim was the cause of it?
My:
Im not assuming, its his m.o.
C:
I dont know what his would be and I dont care to know.
::said in a way to cut the convo and make it over::
::but she doubts mycroft will take the cue::
My:
The man was shot with a ::whatever name of rifle or something::
Most likely a sniper, it figures he wouldn't even have the nerve to shoot the man himself.
C:
I told u.
I did not.
Want to know.
His signature.
::he's about to jump off the last of her nerve::
My:
::steady gaze::
Why not?
C:
::no answer::
::but she meets his eyes with anger::
My:
Just thought it would be warn you that you're inviting yourself trouble.
...maybe even from your dear jim himself.
C:
Incase you forgot, I am a psychotherapist. I do not need you telling me if Jim poses a danger to me or not.

My:
Very well
Good day miss allen
Oh and incidentally, I *will* be able to prove his guilt in this.
::leaving::
C:
::......::
::she's gonna have a talk with james::
::leaves and dials J::
J:
::picks up::
Hey
C:
are u at home?
::he can tell she means something srs::
J:
...
Yeah
C:
i'm on my way.
J:
Alright
C:
::she gets thers and doesnt bother with knocking::
::just walks on in::
::closes the door::
James.
J:
::...::
...what is it?
C:
how did u deal with the people responsible for kidnapping me?
J:
::shrugs::
I took care of it, thats all
C:
James.
::vry srs::
I need to know.
::eye contact and all::
J:
...
Is that what this is about?
They're dead
Everybody dies, Cameron
C:
you killed them?
Because they kidnapped me?
J:
Not just that
Yes they kidnapped you but they're also traitors and cant be trusted any longer
Even gardeners have to do a little weeding every now and then
C:
::just stares at him::
J:
::looks like 'problem?'::
C:
They didnt deserve to die for it.
J:
If I hadn't killed them and they got hit by a bus this afternoon would it be any different?
C:
Yes!
J:
No it wouldn't
Thats the problem with some people
they dont understand its still *circumstance*
Cause and effect
C:
the difference isnt the result, james! Its how it happened and when and why!
J:
Why doesn't matter. why never matters.
C:
Yes.
Why is everything.
Why is how I work and make a difference in lives.
Its how I understand the people I'm with.
Why is the reason I gave u a chance *despite* ur history.
J:
Well then if why is *so* important, *why* dont you get out!
C:
::eyes brimming with tears that r ready to fall::
Because u dont lie, u keep ur word, ur brilliant, like Xander, dont care if I psychoanalyse, and so many more things!
J:
You should know as well as anyone history repeats itself
C:
It doesnt have to.
::said soft::
J:
::just quiet but still keyed up::
C:
....just promise me I'll never be part of the reason u do something like that again.
Please.
J:
::no response for a while::
::just standing there still somewhat upset::
...fine.
C:
::hesitant and quiet::
.....thank u
::she turns to take her leave::
J:
::doesn't say or do anything::
C:
::she leaves but she doesnt go home::
::she doesnt know where she is::
::she hates mycroft::
::she didnt want to know::
::he's a jerk, no feelings, no sympathy or compassion::
::zero understanding::
::she understands why James did::
::he just took it way too far::
::its all he's come to know::
::he doesnt understand the value of life::
::.....she wonders if he doesnt understand the full meaning and value of love either::
::she's been walking blindly for hours::
J:
::calls::
C:
::her heart is pounding::
::she's afraid to answer::
...
::answers just before it goes to voice mail::
::but she doeant say anything::
J:
::stretch of silence::
Cameron
C:
::she can feel herself about to break::
::but she cant bring herself to speak::
J:
....I'm sorry, Cameron.
C:
::a tear slips down her face::
.....i know
::trying to hold herself together::
::nothing worse than bawling on the phone::
J:
::quiet on phone::
C:
::swallows::
::after several moments::
....I know u thought it was right
J:
::still quiet::
C:
::finds a tree and sits against it::
...it didnt matter what ur parents said because it didn't make sense to u, did it?
::she calms down as she talks to him like a client::
::her voice calm, gentle and understanding::
J:
...what?
C:
You told me it didnt matter because in the end death was the result, that it was all the same. I know ur parents dont approve and they've made it clear to u.
...but their explaination, if there were any, never made enuf sense to u. You saw the cold, hard facts and u took them at face value, right?
J:
Well yeah
::what else is there to consider::
C:
...
::well at least she knows that she's right: :
...the thing is, at face value, everyone is the same and evryone dies, why should one person's death be of any more significance to someone else's accross the globe. At face value, everyone is just a statistic, a number, something as common as grass and about as boring
::pauses to see if he's with her line of reasoning so far::
J:
right
C:
But then...u forget the individuals. The lives they live, the people they love, the way they interact and efferct and change people, people who understand those misunderstood, the good and the bad, happy and sad, how long their lives are, they way the death affects those they love, they way they died, why they died, how life depends on eachother and that there's always a balance to keep things going, the babys being born...
There is so much more to life and death than just that it happens, more than it's face value.
Its like gold.
At face value, its just a mineral.
But how much it wieghs, its color, its purity, rawness or lack of, smoothness, design, commonality, malebility and its worth make it so much more than a mineral.
....do u see what I'm getting at?
J:
I don't know it really is just a mineral
C:
And its currency. Its how the value of paper and coin money is determined.
J:
But thats all just and what people say it is.
People put value on everything.
C:
Arent I just a statistic?
J:
...
C:
Well am I?
J:
...yeah
::much less confident::
C:
What about your mom?
Is she merely a statistic?
J:
::quite again::
C:
is she?
J:
....yeah... I mean...
C:
::waits patiently for him to finish his thought::
J:
....I can like *some* statistics
...people. I mean I want them around...
C:
But if we're just statistics, what difference does it make? We arent anything more than grass, boring dumb people that are bound to die.
::strange how easy it is to forget her emotions when she retreats to her profession::
J:
::silent for a while::
...
...I don't know
C:
...do u think maybe because u see us as more than statistics? That u see us as individuals and put a value on us?
J:
::stays quiet::
C:
::after a few moments of calculated silence::
Would it matter to u how we died?
J:
::quiet for a moment::
...yeah
::said quickly like he doesn't want to admit::
C:
Would it matter when?
J:
Yes
::spoken a little louder::
C:
Why?
J:
I don't know why it just does
::little irritated::
C:
::decides she doesnt want to push it today/night::
::she'll address it another time::
Just think about it.
Ok?
J:
Yeah ok
C:
I love u
::and she means it::
J:
...I love you too
C:
::smiles::
Well, I need to call a cab to get home, my feet kill.
Talk to u later, alright?
J:
Ok
...where are you?
C:
....um
::actually has to look::
::names road:: west, well out of town.
J:
....well.... be careful ok?
C:
::considers the irony of that statement after their conversation::
I will be.
J:
...ok
::hangs up::
C:
::feeling significantly better about their argument now::
::calls a cab and goes home::
R:
::when she arrives is waiting::
Hey
Everything ok?
C:
Yeah. Went for a long walk to clear my mind is all
::sorta smile::
R:
...ok
C:
...
im guessing its sit down and talk time, isn't it?
R:
I'd say
C:
::does actually sit down::
I cant guarantee i can answer everything, bit I'll do my best
R:
Whats going on?
I mean for real
You meet this guy, you disappear randomly for hours, you get arrested, you get kidnapped
Come on, Cameron.
C:
::she knew this would b hard::
::but she didnt realize how hard::
...know how I work with a lot of people that...
.....do things because they...have different ways of thinking?
R:
::nods::
C:
....well
...Jim is kind of like that. Only he never was able to understand regular people or certain...laws. So he has a bit of a history.
And u know how the law is with people who are in contact with such people. And one of his former associates didnt like it when he refused a proposal so they retaliated by kidnapping me.
R:
::...nods::
Alright
::this makong sense::
C:
::hoping thats enuf detail and that she wont go looking jim up...::
R:
... thanks ...for letting me in on some of whats going on. Lately I feel like some kind of outsider.
C:
...im sorry, ray.
I didnt mean to do that to u
::sincere::
R:
Its ok.
I know thats not what u meant by it
::smiles some::
C:
How about this.
tomorrow.
Is all about u and me.
We'll just hang out.
Sound like a plan?

R:
::chuckles::
Sure
I mean u dont have to. If there's something you have to do or check or...
C:
I want to.
Its been forever since we've just hung out.
::shrugs::
Besides.
Jim has a lot to think about and im sure a day apart would do us both some good
::smirks::
R:
::smiles::
Ok cool
::still at home, now his thoughts are swirling::
::either he's somehow wrong or he's right but he did something wrong by being close to these few people:
:
::he either despises his past or his present::
::but he cant decide::
::in either case he despises himself::
::but he loves cameron and nothing changes
that::
::he's questioning himself::
::he's always been so sure of everything but now one conversation later and he feels lost::
::he wishes she'd never
brought it up::