To Share You (manxman)

Chapter 17

In the morning, I know I don't have a choice but to talk to mum. I know she worries, but it's hard to tell what she struggles with the most.

Zach is still contently snoring when I leave the room and as expected, mum is sitting on the kitchen table, a pot of tea and two mugs ready.

'Hey.' I say. She looks up and smiles at me. It's not her usual overly excited and happy smile that takes over her face completely, but it at the very least it doesn't feel like a sad one to me.

It takes us a few minutes to go from just sitting there and staring at our too hot teas to get to this seemingly long overdue conversation.

'He makes you really happy, huh?'

It's quite embarrassing how it takes me less than a second to answer with a way too excited yes. And it's not even an overreaction. Raph makes me feel much more alive than I ever have before.

My face earns me a quick chuckle, at which I can only hide my face in my hands.

'I can tell, you know.' her lopsided grin makes me feel just a tiny bit better. I am quite worried about her, but I can tell she's not having a hard time because of herself.

'Well, I'm not surprised.' I grumble. Really, with the way we've been behaving around her, anyone would have noticed.

"That's a problem.' That has me stop mid movement, 'I mean, in the current situation it's a problem. You don't want anyone to know and I understand that.' She stops for a moment, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before continuing, 'I would tell them.'

My heart seems to stop then.

It's not that I haven't played with that thought. I want to tell everyone. Partly so that no one would try to touch him anymore, but mostly so I don't ever have to hold back. Staying away from him when all I want to do is kiss him is simply too painful.

But there is a distinct fear of us being separated completely would the secret be out that petrifies me. I will take whatever I can get from him and if that means keeping us a secret, that's what must happen.

'I can't risk it. What if they make one of us leave? What if they make us fight?' my voice is small and I barely manage to say the words. I don't like not having the same opinion as mum, it makes me doubt myself. Only now, I don't need that. I'm already doubting my decision every day.

'I know you're afraid. But you wouldn't lose.' my eyes shoot to hers immediately, not believing that she suggested fighting if they brought it up, but she quickly retaliates, 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. We both know fighting shouldn't be the way to go. It's just... I'm sorry I don't know how to deal with this either. Lying to them is wrong, you know? And Sheila is suffering too in the process. We won't know what will happen once they find out, but they will. Don't try to kid yourself. They will find out, so please just think about whether telling them before that happens might be a better way.'

'I know.' I give in now. I know she's right and I know it will at least take some of the pressure off my shoulders, but I am afraid.

'Zach told you, didn't he? You've got both of us and you've got Raph. If there's one thing I have tried to raise you to believe it's that home isn't happiness, it's where happiness is.'

It takes me a second to understand her meaning and when I do, I don't know what to respond. There's no way this is really an option.

Zach saves me from having to wrap my head around this right now when he comes in with a loud yawn.

'Good morning my second family. I am going to be generous today and make all of us beautiful people breakfast.' he announces before going to raid our fridge. From behind mum's back, he quickly sends me wink, telling me that he was listening in and come to my rescue on purpose. I don't dare smile and instead opt to awkwardly sip at my still a bit too hot tea.