To Share You (manxman)

Chapter 18

This night has me lying awake. My mind tumbles from thought to thought, trying to make sense of all the images it conjures up itself. I try to come up with a good way to approach Raph about being honest about our relationship, but my mind can't seem to keep on track with anything, jumping from one thought to another without so much as a red thread.

Raph's head is lying on my shoulder, with his left arm loosely on my stomach and his left foot intertwined with my own. My hand has been absentmindedly sifting through his hair, using it as a way to calm myself down. I know Raph is one of those people that sleep quite deeply, but wake up at the slightest disturbance anyway, so I try to keep the movement a regular pace.

A few hours after Raph falls asleep though, I get fidgety and feel the need to leave the room. It takes me entirely too long to disentangle myself from my sleeping partner without waking him up, and even longer to just stand there and look at him as he readjusts himself in the now empty bed and snuggles up to the pillow I had just had my head on.

I sit down right outside the room, next to the door. My head is resting on my pulled up knees and I just try to figure out what to do. I know I've definitely made up my mind about not being a secret anymore, i just wish I had Raph's support as well.

Suddenly, I remember sitting outside a door with Raph on the other side once before. The day after we kissed for the first time I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand the feelings I had and that made me stay outside that door for too long. In all honestly, I still don't really understand where these feelings come from and how to deal with them, but I now know that the important part is that they're there and that they want to be answered. Immediately, I regret sitting out here. I've got someone in there who is willing to change himself for me and that is worth so much more that my fears.

I get up with the intention of waking him up if need be to have that talk right now. I know it's partly not because of what is right to do, but because I simply want to be able to walk the street and show people that we belong together, I want to be proud together.

But right before I get to open the door, I hear a small whimper. Unsure of whether it was in the house or maybe a small animal outside, I still and listen. After a few seconds I hear it again and it seems to come from one of the guest rooms on the floor.

For a moment, I contemplate waking Raph up, but I decide against it. I am the one who is hearing this, so I will deal with it. I try to not make any noise as I approach the room opposite of mine. I can still hear the whimpering, but it turned into a quiet subbing noise and some hick ups. I slowly push down the handle and open the door to one our guest bedrooms. It really isn't anything special. The room seems a bit empty and just slightly impersonal, but it does have quite a big bed. On it, Sam's little body is curled into a tight ball, half covered by a thin blanket and shivering as if it was cold. He doesn't look at me and I wonder whether he's even noticed me enter the room.

As I stand over the bed, I can see his little fists grabbing the blanket to a point where it looks like it might tear any seconds. I desperately want to touch my own hand to his to calm him down, but I know he might not be comfortable with strangers touching him, so I sit down on the floor by the bed and rest my head and arms on it.

'Samuel?' I call out as quietly as I can, as to not startle him. Immediately, his eyes shoot open and he scoots away from me, a pained noise leaving his throat.

His breathing is very laboured and it takes me a second to associate it with the storm that is raging outside. When we can hear the thunder, flinches and curled even further into him self. He might even be crying, I can't even tell right now.