Yellow (boyxboy)

Disgrace

Warning! (Descriptions of injuries, mentions of abuse, panic attack, and strong language which honestly you should be used to by now )

(Alex P.O.V)

I wasn't in my bed...

At first I could only hear muffled sounds, echoing and loud, and slowly becoming more distinct as the seconds passed. My sight started to come back, like my hearing, slow and fuzzy. I was laying on something hard and cold...the floor. Why was I there? What time was it? I pushed myself up onto my knees, wincing as my whole body pulsed in pain, but I couldn't remember why. What happened? After a while I was able to move a bit, but every slight movement resulted in sharp aches in my abdomen and chest. I turned my head to become familiar with my surroundings when suddenly my skull was attacked with a splitting pain, I suppose it hurt from hitting the floor since I blacked out and couldn't remember.

Carefully, I pulled myself up to my feet feeling dizzy and stumbling as I tried to secure my balance. My knees failed me as my head began to pound and I crashed to the ground. I planted my hands on the floor in an attempt to push myself up when I felt something strange and watery underneath my palms. Horror momentarily paralyzed my body when I realized that I was kneeling in a pool of blood.

My stomach churned, leaving my head spinning in circles. I grasped my temples, pushing down on my forehead as the memories from the night before came flooding back. The hits, the kicks, the pain, the man. The blood, my blood, dripping onto the floor from my various wounds creating a scarlet puddle as I slipped into unconsciousness. I gasped for breath as tears began to form in my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall. I just had to forget... forget what happened... forget the past. I slowly rose to my feet, desperately trying not acknowledge the blood on the ground that taunted me. I wanted to get away from wherever I was was and after further examination I realized that I was at the base of the staircase, the same place I was left... when the the incident happened. Stop it! Don't think about, I told myself.

I wanted to get rid of the blood that stained my clothes and skin so I limped towards the upstairs bathroom, my face falling when I saw the daunting staircase that led to where I needed to go. Each step resembled a mountain and caused terrible jolts of pain to spread through my injured body. The heavy bruising on my torso and and legs caused the pain to flare until I finally made my way to the top of the stairs after what felt like a decade of stumbling up the steps. After a fuck ton of effort, I made it to my desired destination. My legs began to shake from exertion as I turned on the bathroom light and sighed in relief when I realized that I was away from the memories that engulfed the downstairs area. I rested my hands on the cool porcelain on the sink and checked the time on the clock. It was around three am...and I had school in the morning. Fuck... Terrified of how I looked, I cautiously raised my head to see myself in the mirror that rested in front of me. I wish that I hadn't seen my battered reflection.

I looked dead...

There were cuts that were still bleeding. Dark bruises everywhere, littering my face and shaking arms. My left eye was black and swelling slightly. A stream of dried blood ran down to chin. My lips were dry with a gruesome split down the middle. My head throbbed as I gingerly ran my fingers over the back of my head and from the immense amount of pain I felt I knew that there must have been damage. I winced at my reflection, lifting up my sweater gingerly to examine the injuries on my chest and torso. The bruises were a multitude of ugly hues, colors that normally should not be on someones skin. There were garish purple and yellow splotches, roughly the size of fists, while others were more green, but still looked just as bad and hurt like hell. And they were all over me.

I'm fine... I'm fine, I said to myself. I've been telling myself that same bullshit since I was a kid but I'm never fine. All my life it's been nothing but pain, abandonment, shame, and abuse. It was like that with my parents. It was like that with the fuckers at my old foster homes and now it's gonna continue in this damn place. And it's all my fault. I thought that I was gonna be okay. For the first time things were looking up for me. I had Luke and he was amazing and kind. He was the best thing that's every happened in my goddamn life but I don't want to hurt him. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone.

My mind began to panic but I refused to let myself succumb to my thoughts. Instead, I turned on the faucet and splashed my face a couple times with water and let the lukewarm liquid cleanse the filth on my skin, disappointed to see that my appearance had not changed. That this wasn't just some sick dream or... memory. I stared almost in a trance like state, watching the blood swirl around the sink reminding me of when I had to clean up my injuries in the past. "What's the point?" I asked myself in a hushed tone as my breathing quickened slightly, "What's the point of blocking it out when it's gonna happen again."

Suddenly, small pangs of pain shoot through my arms and legs almost as if I was being continuously stabbed with sharp needles. My head pulsed intensely as my mind was  bombarded with my negative thinking, growing louder and louder forcing me to listen to the horrible thoughts. Broken. Alone. Unwanted. Useless. My anxiety rose to terrifying new levels that I hadn't felt in years. My heart started going really fast, buzzing rather than beating. Waves of hot and cold flooding over me, making my body and forehead sweat heavily, my stomach twists and my hands shake so hard that I had to clench my fists, tightly to the point of drawing blood from my nails digging into my palms, in order to control the tremors spreading through the rest of my form. I can't breathe. I can't see. The light is too bright. Everything is too much. Dizziness and vertigo take control of my shaken being, making it difficult to decipher hallucination from reality. I felt like all the blood drained from my face and I worry I'm going to faint or collapse. Nausea twisted my stomach into a tight coil. Falling to my knees at the sudden wave of sickness, I scrambled across the titled bathroom floor in a mad haste to get to the toilet and emptied my stomach's contents into it, gripping the rim tightly and coughing lightly once I finished. Soon those airy coughs turned violent and harsh, resulting in my doubling over in an a futile effort to get air into my lungs. Darkness clouded the edges of my vision until the world turned black. A single thought bounced around my muddled mind as I happily let the shadows consume me. "I'm a disgrace..."

(A/N sorry for not updating.I feel like such a bad fucking author :P I'm not gonna bullshit you guys and say I was busy even though I was but I honestly forgot about this story and realized that I had to update lol. Also life update both my editorial on the stigma of mental illness and my report on one of my favorite authors were chosen to be published in my school's newspaper so that's pretty awesome!) 

Stay amazing - Isa