What About Forever {l.s}

XIII

Harry's POV

I lay awake replaying the day I broke up with Louis and thinking back to what happened earlier. I'm unable to decide on what hurt him more; leaving him or coming back.
My wrist stings and my head hurts. I've hurt both Louis and myself and I don't think I can be forgiven. I promised both my mum and Louis that I would never harm myself again. I saw my first therapist after my mum noticed the scars on my skin and put the pieces together. That therapist was a middle-aged scrawny man who scared me so much that I never went to a second appointment. I didn't stop cutting myself until about a year later when Louis came into my life. It's not like he ever did anything extravagant but just getting to listen to him speak over the phone before I fell asleep was enough for my depression to nearly vanish.
It's ironic I suppose; I stopped self harmingh because of Louis and here I just relapsed because of him. Well, I guess it wasn't because of him. It was really all my doing, I need to stop telling myself he did something wrong because he didn't, it was me.
The clock reads 1:15 AM which sucks because I have a 9 o'clock class in the morning. Maybe I just won't go. Numbers; time, grades, age, weight, money, none of it actually matters. Everyone thinks that's all you need and I did too but right now I'm laying in a safe place, I have straight A's, am attending a good college, I have a savings account full of money, I'm destined for a great future ahead of me but I don't even care about any of it. I'm not thinking about how grateful I am but instead thinking about how I could be living in a shack and still be happy if I had Louis's love. I have all of these great things, I'm so "lucky", but it's not enough. All I want is Louis. Does it make me ungrateful to be unsatisfied, or does it just make me human?
   There's a knock on my door causing my heart to rise into my throat. Who would be here at this time a night? I stay still in my bed but get up to answer it at the fourth knock, because it's probably just Zayn losing his key.
   But when I open the door, it's not Zayn standing there. It's Louis.
"What are-" I start.
"Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I hope you're happy. I was so late getting to the restaurant that Brad had already left assuming I blew him off."
The smell of alchohol on his breath gives me chills.
"I'm sorry, Louis."
"My god, you throw that phrase around like it's just going to fix everything! Do you even understand what you've done to me?!" He yells.
"Shh! It's one in the morning, you're gonna wake everybody up!" I say, pulling him inside and shutting the door.
"Don't touch me!"
"Calm down, please."
"Stop treating me like a child! I have a right to be angry with you, Harry."
"I know, and I don't blame you for that. But you need to understand if I told you before that I was your ex, you wouldn't have talked to me a second time. All I wanted was to be your friend."
"Damn right I wouldn't talk to you again! You don't get how bad you ruined me, do you?! When you left me I was so depressed, I've never felt that shitty in my life. I thought I did something to drive you away!"
"N-no I was in a bad place and my mum thought we should leave, that's all."
"You didn't think I was also in a bad place?! You knew what happened at home and you still left! We could've been there for each other but instead you just shut me out! You didn't answer my calls or texts, you didn't care that I was falling apart. And you were the one that always talked about wanting to stay close!"
"Louis," I place my hands on his shoulders.
"Don't!"
He pushes me away and my back hits the wall behind me. His strength surprises us both.
"I never meant to hurt you." I say, beginning to cry.
"No, Harry. I think that's exactly what you meant to do."
"Lou,"
"Don't call me that."
"Louis," I correct. "W-what can I do to fix this?"
He lunges at me, pinning me against the wall.
"You've already done enough, can you not get that through your thick head?! We are nothing anymore."
With my heart pounding, I attempt to wiggle free from him but he's too strong.
"You're just like him, aren't you?" I say, even though my voice is unsteady as I'm starting to have a panic attack.
"What?"
He lets go of me.
"Your father."
As soon as the words escape my mouth, Louis' fist is dodging towards my face which only further proves my point.
Louis takes a step back from me and we stare at each other, both realizing what he's just done to me. My cheek throbs and I can't stop crying. Louis looks like he's about to start crying as well.
   All of those time back in school when I stuck by Louis thinking he was the only safe one, the only one who would never hurt me. He betrayed me. I never was able to trust anyone, but I trusted him. I'll never trust anyone ever again.
   There is another knock on the door. I start to think it's someone from the room next to us coming to complain about the noise.
Louis waits for me to do something but I'm frozen. He opens it. It's Liam.
"I had a feeling I'd find you here. I've been calling you all night. Brad showed up wondering where you were because apparently you went MIA during dinner. He waited for you for an hour, Louis." He says.
Liam steps inside and looks over at me trembling in the corner.
"What the hell happened?!" Liam asks.
"None of your fucking business. I don't need a babysitter, thanks." Louis says.
"What would you rather have, a parole officer? Because before I knocked on the door, someone walking out of their room said they were about to call the police on you because it sounded like someone was getting attacked in here. You should be thanking me for covering for your ass."
"Oh, whatever. People are so overdramatic."
"You're drunk. What did you do?" Liam asks, looking back and forth between Louis and I.
"Nothing happened. I'll see you in the room." Louis says as he walks out.
Liam shakes his head and comes over to me.
"Did he hurt you?" He asks.
"Yeah. It's okay though." I say quietly.
He pats my back.
"I know he seems horrid but he has good intentions, I swear. He's just kinda broken right now." Liam says.
"I know. He seems to have a lot of respect for you, though." I sniffle.
"Yeah. I sort of look after him, haven't known him very long but I feel like he's a brother to me."
I nod. I get it, how only speaking to Louis once could make someone attached to him. He draws you in. Something about him.
"You know, he really does love you though." Liam says.
"No. I ruined his life. He's in love with Bradley now."
"Well for someone whose ruined his life, he sure talks about you a lot. Now what's your roommate's number?" He takes out his phone.
"Zayn. He's probably with his girlfriend. It's late, I'm not gonna make him leave her to come here."
"If you're anything at all like Louis, I can't leave you alone like this. You're a mess. I'd stay with you but I gotta get back before Louis lights our room on fire or throws up on my bed. Actually, he probably got into a fight with someone on his way across campus and I gotta go bail him out of jail."
We both chuckle.
"Now what's his number?"
...

happy october :) my fav month
also thx for 200 reads
have a nice night/day
xx Emily