What About Forever {l.s}

XXIII

Harry's POV

"Harry!" Zayn cheers, running into our room and forcing me into a tight hug.
"You're suffocating me." I mutter. He releases me.
"Why aren't you at the party?" I click on my phone to check the time. It reads 9:34pm and reminds me that Louis has called me twice more from the last three calls of which I didn't pick up. There's also a missed call from Alison. "There's still another hour." I say.
"I had to rush here to make sure you were... Louis said that you..." He can't seem to finish his thought.
"We got into an argument so I left. I'm fine. So is he. It's all fine." I state.
He lets out an overdramatised sigh. "He was worried about you, that's all."
"What a hero." I say, giving my eyes a roll.
Zayn decides to go to bed, he says he's exhausted and I agree, though I know no amount of sleep could cure my tuckered out heart. And even if it miraculously could, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep anyway because I don't have my security, it would feel like I was sleeping with the front door wide open. But my security is too busy keeping someone else safe to realize he forgot to shut and lock my door.
As Zayn sleeps, I put on a small lamp and take some time to get some studying in, then jump in the shower.
Before I undress I lock the door as always, even after all these years.
I make sure the water is nearly scorching hot, so that the fog takes over my reflection in the mirror and when I tilt my head back to wash my hair, the heat makes my skin feel like it's melting away, like I myself am melting away to be sucked into the drain of the bathtub. But at the same time, I am feeling nothing at all.
As I am finally at rest, my mind slowed as if my buzzing thoughts were washed away by the melody of pounding water, I am disturbed by knocking on the door which rumbles every bone in my body.
I shut off the water.
"What do you want?!" I holler, toweling myself down.
"Louis' here." Zayn tells me.
I swear just his name alone causes my heart rate to spike and I hate him for having so much power over me.
I put on my clothes but slowly, because I wanna make him wait for me. I want to know how long he would wait. I've waited years, thinking he's different now, just for him to break my heart again and again.
"Louis, what are you doing here?" I straight out ask.
I'll speak to him at the door, not allowing him the privlege of stepping foot in my room.
"I thought you might try to kill yourself." He admits, looking at his feet.
"Well you'd be just a bit late by now, don't ya think?"
"No, I mean I know, that's why I sent Zayn to come check on you. I just came to see you with my own eyes."
"Why aren't you looking at me then?"
He raises his head, meeting my green eyes.
"Why did you think I would do something like that?" I question. I wasn't going to and I wouldn't, but we both know the me a few years ago would have.
"I thought you were dropping hints. Like you warned me about shutting you out of my life and when I kind of did, I worried you really were gone forever. And then you said I wouldn't have to worry about you anymore, and I don't know. I don't know anymore, Harry."
I hadn't realized it but I think now that I may have actually been wording things to sound like I was planning a suicide intentionally. It's possible the goal was for Louis to worry about me. Perhaps I wanted to see how much he really cared about me, make me think that I was wrong about him. Isn't that sick?
"Well, here I am. You're seeing me with your own eyes. You can go now." I suggest.
The blue in his eyes looks like a crystal clear pool, I can almost see my own reflection in them.
"I'm sorry, Harry. For being an ass, for being there with Jacey, kissing her, whatever it is you're mad about."
"It's just, when you said you were handeling things I didn't think that's what you meant." I share.
"I know you think I'm using her, but I'm not. Or maybe I am, but I'm not trying to. She's a lovely girl and maybe she's what I want. I'm not sure what I want." He explains.
"Oh, yeah? Well you're not missing much, let me tell you. Because I know what I want but what I want doesn't want me. So now I'm faced with a predicament you see, because am I supposed to give up? Or keep fighting for what I want in hopes that they'll eventually want me back, even though their mind is set on someone else?"
"Harry, I'm trying to be real with you right now. As your friend, I'm spilling my feelings to you and you can't even take it seriously." His voice is getting rougher, he's getting annoyed now but for some reason I'm feeding off of the venom, almost wanting him to get so worked up that he hits me just so that I can go to bed hating him. How can I hate him when his eyes are as soft and pure as a newborn baby and his warm breath is touching my cheeks?
"I'll take you seriously when you do the same to me. And anyways I'm done being your friend, I thought we've been over this." I don't even recognize that the voice I hear is my own. I'm never this rude to anyone, let alone someone that I adore so much.
"Alright, Harry. You're pissing me off and I'm gonna have to leave before I get too worked up because I don't want to end up hurting you."
"You have problems, Louis."
"I know. So do you. Oh, and Harry?"
"What?"
"Just don't be stupid. Nobody ever gets what they want."