What About Forever {l.s}

XX

Harry's POV

Once my classes finish, I jog straight to Louis' dorm instead of mine.
My excuse is that I need to tell him about all of the gossip I've heard, but also I just want to see him. Make sure he's eaten and taken care of himself while I was at school. I know I probably seem overprotective, but I just need to see that he's okay. I feel like if I don't, I won't stop worrying about him for the rest of the day.
"It's not a good time, Harry." Louis says to me, biting his lip slightly. He only does that when he's nervous. So do I.
"Just a few minutes." I insist.
He clears his throat, stepping to the side so that I can see past him. Inside the room, Brad sits on the edge of Louis' bed with his head hung down, staring at the floor. He's so focused on the carpet that he doesn't look up to see me watching him.
"Ok, well just listen. People were talking about you today and it wasn't good." I say
"Yeah, no shit. The video of Brad and I is flooding social media. I thought I was in the clear with that but it looks like one of the people shot the video just now decided to let it loose. All of the comments are wonderful, too." He says seeming relatively unbothered by it.
"What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know, but it's not your problem to be worrying about. I gotta talk him," He tilts his head towards Brad who is now looking at me. "Go home. You're always telling me to relax but you need to as well."
How am I supposed to tell him that I can't go home because my home is him?
...

  I do as I'm told but it's hard being alone. It's later on now and I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed on my favorite fluffy blanket, looking over Louis' letter for the thousandth time. I just don't get it, how he can just try to kill himself, get so close, and then act like everything's normal again. I suppose that's what's helping him, acting as if nothing ever happened, but I can't get over it. I can't even pretend to be over it. If Liam and I had never gone looking for him, if I hadn't been up there on that bridge with him, would he not be here? Where would he be? God, that scares me so much, thinking about living in a world without him. I don't think I could do it. But I wouldn't be able to take my own life, I'd probably just lay in my bed for the rest of forever.
   I wonder if he realizes that I saved his life. I wonder if he hates me for it. But that's the thing about life, it's that kid on the playground who nobody plays games with because she makes up her own rules and everyone has to play by them. People that want to die don't and people with dreams and a full life ahead of them are shot or struck with some debilitating illness. It's not fair, but she doesn't care. She enjoys the element of surprise, the look on everyone's face when the game suddenly ends and she's won.
I carefully stick the letter into the bottom drawer of my nightstand and when I do, my sleeve moves and I catch a glimpse of my now healing scars. I roll up my sweater and trace my finger along the marks. I find myself picking up my phone and dialling Louis' number (of which I know by heart.)
"Hey, whats up?" He cheerily asks.
"The day we got into an argument, when you hit me, I self harmed after you left." I say.
His end of the line is silent for a minute.
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"I... I don't know. I thought you should know."
"Was it... was it because of me?"
"No, I mean maybe, but I didn't tell you to make you feel guilty."
   "Uhh... I just, I don't know what to say to that."
   "You don't have to say anything. Anyways, how did it go with Bradley?"
   "Harry, you can't just tell me something like that and then change the subject."
   "That's what you did."
I don't think he understands what I mean.
   "I just told Brad that he needs to stop contacting me."
   "What?! What do you mean? I thought really you liked him."
   "I did-do. He's a great guy and all but he's not... he's not the one. And even if he was, it's not like I can date him. He needs to stay away from me if we want things at school, to die down."
   "So you're saying, you're cutting him out of your life because other people don't like it?  And anyways, he's your friend. Why are you letting those people dictate your life? That's letting them get what they want. They want you to be unhappy."
   "You think I don't realize that? Do you think I don't hate this? I do, I feel controlled and I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing but you don't understand. It really gets to me when people say things... I feel so lost and this is just the only way I can think of handling things right now." He says.
   I feel for him, of course I do. Louis tries to act tough, but he's really so sensitive. I love that about him.
   "Those people don't even matter though. All that matters is your happiness. You used to say that to me."
   "Are you happy?"
   "This isn't about me, Louis."
   "But it is."
   The door flies open, startling me. Zayn walks in and immediately throws himself down onto his bed. He smothers his face into his pillow, laying there limply on his stomach.
    "I gotta go."
   "Whatever, Harry."
   He hangs up.
   I brush it off, packing my problems up to focus on Zayn, who I've never seen upset before.
   "What's the matter?" I ask.
    "Madison broke up with me." He looks up at me.
  He's not crying but I can tell he feels crushed.
   "Aw, no. I'm so sorry."
   I feel bad for him but secretly am thankful he's having this happening right now, taking my mind off of everything else for a little while.
   Am I happy?

this lowkey sucks ass but i say that about like every chap oops (!) {hi}
a halloween chap is coming up so lookout for that yay woo woopie
happy halloween in a few days :)))
my fav holiday bbys! but idk if im going trick-or-treating bc i dont rlly have cat ears for my costume and idk who to go with :(
oh well, but im carving a pumpkin tommorow and my dad got me a pumpkin pie slice and im gonnna bake halloween cookies and watch A Nightmare on Elmstreet and the charlie brown halloween movie and ok ok bye
stay spooky
lmao
x x Emily ❤️