What About Forever {l.s}

XV

Harry's POV

Harry,
It hurts. Everything hurts. Because here you are, this selfless, beautiful, human being and then there's me, this guy who doesn't know what he's doing and doesn't know how he's made it this far. And it hurts because I want you so badly. You keep me together and being without you has me feeling emptier than ever, especially since I had thought you were gone before and then you came back and now I'm losing you for the second time. You were never gone though. You're forever taking up my mind.
You know, I thought I needed you until I didn't have you. I guess you were right before, we were too close growing up and breaking up made us stronger, for me at least. I learned how to fight this world on my own. I learned to live without you. But then you came back and fucked everything up. It's like I've been clean for all of these years but you're a drug and I've relapsed. I'm so addicted, Harry. So addicted...
But I just can't allow myself to have you, because I just hurt the people I love. I can't let you put up with me. I hurt you in so many ways already and I will never forgive myself for that. I don't want you to forgive me. You deserve so much more. I'm not stable and in ways, you aren't either. We aren't good for eachother. Just because it feels good doesn't mean it is.
I'm so sorry.
I'm blessed to have you have been a part of my past and it feels like it was just yesterday that we were kissing in the park, but we were just kids and things are different, we are different. Leave it in the past. Let me go.
Thank you for giving me some of the best years of my life. You will always be in my heart.
I love you, forever Harry, (remember?)
-Louis T
I stare blankly at the page. I re-read it again and again until the words seems to float off the paper to a place far away. I feel nothing while feeling everything at once. The numbness consumes me once again.
I force myself to call Zayn because I know that I can't handle the quiet of this lonely room.
He doesn't answer so I ring again.
"Harry, what do you want?" He finally says on what seems like the last ring.
"Hi, what are you doing?"
"I was just getting some work done. What's up?"
"Um, Louis left me a, uh, letter."
"Oh. Saying?"
"He wants me to l-let him go." My voice quivers. He notices.
"Hey, I can leave now if you want. I could actually go rent us some movies for the night, how does that sound?"
"If you're in the middle of something- Wait one second, someone else is calling."
I pick up the unknown number.
"Hello? Harry?" They say. I recognize the voice.
"Yes... is this Liam?"
How did he even get my number?
"Yeah."
Louis probably gave it to him.
"How are you?" I ask.
"Been better. Louis wouldn't happen to be there with you, would he?"
I glance over at the letter, now sitting emptily on my desk.
"No... he's not there?"
"No. If you're not busy, would you mind helping me look for him?"
"Why? He's not a child, he's probably just gone out somewhere."
"Harry, trust me. Maybe you used to know him, but you don't anymore, I do. If he doesn't tell me where he's gone off to, that means he doesn't want to be found."
He goes on to explain how Louis always tells him where he's going so that he can pick him up later on if he's drunk or sad or has gotten into a fight. Or all of the above.
I wish that I still knew Louis. I wish I could be his person, the one that he goes to when he needs someone after drinking away his feelings. Liam has no clue how lucky he really is to have Louis depending on him.
I hang up with Liam and speedily text Zayn, letting him know there was a change of plans, I'm going out with a friend, and I'll be back before 7 for movie night.
Liam picks me up in his black Nissan and we head to Benny's Brew, the local bar where all of the college kids go to drown in their sorrows... or drown in whiskey... which ever comes first.
We search around the bustling bar, ignoring drunk men pounding their fists on the counter and screaming at the tv (well, Liam ignores them. I keep glancing over to make sure their attention is still on the baseball game and not me) but there's no sign of Louis.
We walk out without any luck and I notice the concern planted on Liam's face. I assure him Louis is fine, even though I myself can't be too sure.
"Louis wasn't himself this morning. When he's upset or worked up he goes on a walk to calm himself down. In that case he could literally be anywhere." Liam tells me.
I think about telling him about the sweater and the letter Louis wrote me, he must have dropped them off earlier today because nothing was there when I left for class.
I go to open my mouth to tell him but something pulls it shut. The letter seems like the only piece of Louis I have anymore. I don't want to share that piece with the guy that now holds the rest of Louis.
Liam and I drive to two other bars but Louis isn't at either of them. We even walk around the back to see if he is passed out somewhere.
Liam gets back in the car to drive back to campus. We sit silently in the car until it hits me.
"You think Louis is trying to... do something bad? That's why you're so worried about him."
"I didn't want to scare you, but yeah if I'm being honest. I'm scared he's dead somewhere. If he's not back by 6 I'll phone police." Liam's eyes are glued to the road but I can see tears glistening in them.
It wasn't a letter Louis left me. It was... a suicide note?
I begin to picture Louis standing on top of a building fighting the urge to jump. I think about Louis' personality and change my mind- he wouldn't be the guy to jump off a building.
  But perhaps he'd be the guy to plunge into the sea.