Things Only Musician Understand

Part Twenty-Six: JJ

I told her about what my father had said

when we were in that car

and I told her what set him off

and I told her I screwed up

and I told her

I'm the reason he found out.

I'm the reason that she was beat

I'm the reason that she was almost raped

I was the reason that our sons were endangered

I'm the reason

that we had to get a restraining order

I'm the reason that things went downhill.

I told her about my dreams

and how every time I beat her

and Raylin

and Justin

and every time

Justin died

and Raylin was turning into me

and sometimes

she fought for me

and wouldn't let me go,

she wouldn't care to believe that I did it.

And other times

She gave up

and she blamed everything on me

as she should have

and she let me slip

and she believed

and worshiped the idea that I did what I did.

I told her that the nightmares

plagued me every night

and I started to doubt myself

because I was listening to my head

and I let myself

make me believe

that I was becoming a monster.

I told her that I started cutting

because I knew that she had

and It was taking the pain away

even for the mere moments that it lasted.

I told her that I stopped being happy

and I started to want to distance myself from them

because I felt like I might do something.

So I told her I got up and I left

because it was the only way

that I knew of

that I could save them.

I told her that I went and was a gypsy

drifting for awhile

but then

as time went on

I needed something to do

so I thought about doing some art

and the marines needed a sign painted

to show that they were enlisting,

and well,

I decided after drawing for them

that I would enlist

and serve my country

to keep my mind off of going home.

I then spoke of boot camp

and how it damn near killed me,

and about how things got better after I shipped out

and went overseas.

I could no longer remember them

and I was no longer in boot camp

so I was able to do my job better.

But as people started dying

and things started happening

and I started seeing things that reminded me

I started imagining her there with me

and I started to get things that I knew everyone would like

and I started being a better person,

and then I told her about when I met her mentor,

the most hilarious lady ever,

and how I toured through a lot of countries that aren't even on the map

and when I got to where my post was

and I blew up the orphanage

I started falling apart

and I started wanting her to be there with me

and I wanted to come home

and I wanted forgiveness.

I wanted anything to help me forget.

After awhile things got better

and than my buddy died

and then one thing after another I fell apart

until I called her

and everything was better for moments,

but over the phone

wasn't the same as in person,

so while we were talking

my supposed PTSD acted up

and I saw things

and ran away from her again hoping to protect her from the ghosts of my past.

I told her again

about the final fight

and about what I saw

and what I heard

and what I had to do.

I told her about coming home

and about coming here,

and how I almost didn't do it,

I almost just left again

and didn't come back

because I thought of the possibility that she wouldn't take me anymore,

and how I'm glad that she did.

I told her about the argument with mom

and I told her about how hard I was trying,

I told her I still loved her

and I told her

that I still wanted to be the boy's father

and how whether or not she likes it

I'm staying this time

and I'm doing everything I didn't last time.

She leaned in and she hugged me

but while she did

she told me that she still loved me

and she forgave me

and that I could stay here

and that I could be the boy's father

and I could be the old me again.,

but when she hugged me

I knew that things were better again.