Things Only Musician Understand

Part Twenty-Three: Eliza

I forgave the son of a Bitch

of course I did

but he didn't deserve it,

I thought

taking the razor blade

and dragging it across my skin

leaving a line

slowly welling up with blood.

I don't deserve this life

no one does,

but this is the best life

that anyone in this family has had.

I was abused

JJ was abused

Justin was orphaned

Raylin was orphaned

and abused.

JJ leaves me here

with

"Our Children"

and he expects it to be all better

when he gets back

just because he writes this little journal

telling of all he's had to endure.

PTSD,

my ass,

it's another way to get into my head

so that I'll forgive him.

How stupid does he think I am.

Fuck,

I can't take this anymore

I can't leave

and I love these boys

but I can't do this on my own

but I wont do it

not with

JJ

not

with

damien.

Pushing all my friends away

so that I can do it alone

like I wanted it that way.

God,

Damn

it!

I just need to make up my mind.