Darkiplier Smuts III

A Tale of Two Shitties

A/N: I can't recall who asked me to write about how Anti and Dark met(sorry, RQs are backed way up for both books), but here it is. Just a heads up, there will be some harsher tones and language here. Read at your own risk.

I should've asked Dark if he knew my friend Anti before I arranged for the three of us to hang out. It's been fifteen minutes that the 3 of us have been in the same room together and I think I might get caught in some serious crossfire here soon. The two have done nothing but fight. Physically and verbally. Dark being the smarter and stronger one has been winning the battles, but he looks like he might just lose the war. He seems to be losing his screws one by one at an alarming rate. Anti, on the other hand, is running completely on bravado because he knows there's no way he can outwit or overpower Dark, but he's not willing to back down at the moment. I had no idea the two knew each other, but seeing as how Sean and Mark have hung out so much over the years, it does make sense. 

"Would you two knock it off? You're both so fucking shitty right now." I said, my head feeling sore from all the growling, hissing, and yelling. "This feels like listening to high school boys argue about who has the bigger dick." Dark looked over at me. "Well we both know who does." he said, directing his attention at Anti, a smug look on his face. "Yeah, Dark. It's me." "(Y/N) meant who has the bigger dick attached to their body, not in their ass." I bit my lip to hold in my laughter. Sass mode activated. It didn't take long for the two to be at each others' throats...literally. I knew that trying to force myself in the middle would wind up with me either in the hospital or the morgue so I kept my distance while doing my best to convince the pair to back off. "How do you two even know each other?" I asked, hoping that a neutral question would soften the two would help the situation. "We're from the same place (y/n)." Dark said, one hand still wrapped around Anti's neck. "That's it?" I asked. The two shared a look. "We've had our fair share of encounters over the years." Anti said, digging into Dark's skin with his nails, desperate to get free. "Quit choking him out, Dark." I said, sighing. "Why? It's not like he'll die." I put my hands on my hips. "It's the visual. If he were a human he'd already be dead." Dark reluctantly put Anti down, shooting glares in my direction. "Thank you." I said. "Now what kind of encounters?" I asked. "How did you two meet?" "When Mark and Sean first met." Dark said. "I'll tell her, you're probably too stupid to remember half of what happened anyway, douchebag." Anti said without missing a beat. "This is coming from the guy who is so dense he doesn't even remember his real name." "Yes I do, just not all the time." Dark motioned at him. "Case and point." he said. "It doesn't matter who tells what, as long as you two just stop with all the fighting. It's driving me nuts. Dark sighed. "Since Anti never knows when to shut up, I suppose he should tell the story. Besides, it'll be entertaining to see what he chooses to say and what he doesn't, what he embellishes to make himself feel good, and what he just doesn't remember." Anti opened his mouth to respond, but me clearing my throat changed his mind. "Alright then. I'll tell you."

"Now since Dark over here was such a moron as a kid it was no surprise that he was always getting into trouble in school. Namely, he got put into remedial classes. I bet your caregivers were so proud of you, champ."

"Anti, I shit you not, I will suck your optic nerves out of your skull like spaghetti if you don't watch yourself." Anti looked a bit intimidated but continued ragging on Dark until Dark just crossed his arms, rolled his eyes, and looked out the window.

"Like I was saying, he was always getting into trouble. I on the other hand, got A+s in everything I did and never got into trouble. Except for one day. I was studying and Dark and his dumb friends were blowing spitballs at me. I ignored them until it got to be too much. I just snapped and went off. They were all laughing at me because I went off in front of a teacher and got reamed for it. I got a detention. I was so embarrassed, but Dark and his stupid little friends got in trouble too. Not that they cared because all they were was trouble. He's still trouble, just look at him." I heard a growl from Dark. I placed my hand on his thigh and he relaxed a bit." From that moment on, I didn't like Dark at all, but he just kept getting worse and worse. The constant teasing, the swirlies, he even fucked my female caregiver. She wasn't married or anything, but still-that's pretty low." Dark was wearing a smirk on his face. "He was just a reckless soul and he hasn't changed a bit. When we all graduated and started working more I was happy to not have to be around him as much. Then the unthinkable happened. Sean met this dude Mark and the first time I laid eyes on him I lost my shit because I saw Dark. I told Sean not to do anything with Mark but he didn't listen of course. When the two met for the first time, Dark was hanging around probably causing trouble as usual, and so we reunited right then and there. Me being the intelligent soul I am..." Anti was interrupted by Dark snickering. "What's so funny?" Anti asked, irritated. "You think you're smart. You are the only living creature that thinks that. Fuck, my sides!" Dark laughed, grabbing his sides. "I graduated at the top of the class." "And yet you're still a bottom." You could hear a pin drop for a moment. "Um. I don't know what that means, but let's just get back to the story." I said. Anti nodded. "Anyway, for whatever reason he's just got a hard on for me. He's picked on me for basically my whole life." I looked at Dark. "Is that true?" Dark scoffed. "No way. He's omitting so much. Let me tell you what really happened." Dark cracked his knuckles. "I don't need any help from you, Anti, so keep your cock holster closed." He sat back. "Alright, so I started picking on this little dipshit because he was always messing with Circe. Talk about having a hard on for someone, he would not leave her alone. She was gorgeous, and she had standards. Anyone with standards wouldn't go out with this guy. I could shit a better demon. She complained to me about him numerous times and I got tired of hearing about that shit, so I had her point him out one day and that's why I started giving him shit. She would stand right there while I was doing it telling him things like 'this will stop when you do' but do you think this idiot would listen? He doesn't know how to take a hint. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall, only the wall is retarded and talks back. Anyway, he wouldn't back off so I pulled out the big guns and yes, I fucked his caregiver Ammit. She liked it, too...called me by both names. Anyway, like he said we graduated and all that happy horseshit, then a few years later we reunited unexpectedly...and he picked a fight with me. Truth is, I've never liked this fuckstick, but he brought all of this on himself." I shook my head, unsure of who to believe. "You guys are vicious." I said. "You, shame on you for crawling in bed with Ammit. That's pretty dirty, even for you." I said to Dark. He snapped his fingers and produced a big, old book. He started thumbing through the pages until he found what he was looking for. He blew some dust off the page and adjusted his glasses. "Arioch.Demon of vengeance. He delivers vengeance only when called on. Asmodeus. In Binsfeld's classification of demons, each one of these princes represents one of the seven deadly sins Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. Asmodeus is the demon of lust and is therefore responsible for twisting people's sexual desires. My names are fucking appropriate, Jesus Christ." He had a point. "Still...come on, that's so unfair. And you-what is it with picking on ladies?" I said to Anti. He looked away and shrugged. "It's all water under the bridge. Nothing happened." I sighed. "This is such a shallow problem, can't you two get over it?" They both shook their heads. "There's more to it than all that...he just bugs me. Like I said, I never liked him...but now I have a few reasons to dislike him." "I don't care if Dark doesn't like me. I never liked him. Him and the fuckaround gang in high school never did anything right. He's a manchild. A self absorbed one, too." "I have a reason to be self absorbed. I'm attractive. Trust me, if I looked like you I wouldn't be concerned with how I looked either. You can't cure ugly." I realized that all attempts at having a peaceful day would end in disputes between the two so I decided to call it a night. "Never do this again (y/n), it's always a clusterfuck. You're not the only one who has put us in the same room together." Dark said. "Dark is finally right about something. He's not an agreeable demon. He's full of himself, he's selfish, he's an egomaniac...everything you could possibly hate rolled into one package." "Anti knows a thing or two about packages." Anti's face turned a deep red. "Alright, I'm out. I'm too old for high school." "Yet-for some reason, not too smart." I stepped on Dark's toes. He scowled at me. "You know it's true." he muttered. "See ya. I guess we'll have to hang solo." I said. He shrugged. "It's more fun that way anyhow. I like it when it's just me and you." He waved as he took off presumably back into the demon realm. "You're a witty bitch Dark, but god damn, would it kill you to be nice." "Rumor has it that yes it literally would." I chuckled. "Come on." I said, tugging at his shirt. "He's  gone, the fight is over." We sat on my couch. "Will you two ever get along?" I asked, almost begging for them to do so. "What the fuck do you think (y/n)?" I laughed. "No?" I suggested. "Bingo. It's just not meant to be. Some of us just aren't compatible...we're beyond incompatible. I like Sean...but Anti can kiss my ass." I shook my head. "That's too bad. If the two of you got along there's a lot of things the 3 of us could get into." "Been there, done that." I was taken aback. "What?" I asked. "Been there. Done that. You'll have to think of a better bribe." Somehow I wasn't shocked. I thought for a moment before whispering my plan into Dark's ear. His eyes widened, and a devious grin appeared on his face. "Do you think you could get him to come back?" he asked, winking.