Until I Really Do

Chapter Thirty Seven

Matthew was hurt. Buried underneath all of that fury was a man who was broken, and for the first time since Gretchen turned her back on his proposal, she truly felt remorseful. At first, she had been furious with Sharon for choosing to desert him on the day of their wedding, but she quickly admitted the truth to herself; she was as guilty as Sharon for the pain Matthew bore.

Silently, she cursed herself for the part she played in ruining the man who sat on a chair across from her. She, like Sharon, had turned down his proposal and had chosen a separate path when he begged her to come to Ferndale with him. When he needed her the most, she hadn't been there. But it was different with Matthew, for when she was the one who desperately needed him, he had been present. He had shown up on that porch that evening as she sat in the darkness crying over the loss of her family's fortune, and his arms had kept her from falling apart.

Even now, as she sat before him, she could still feel the warmth of his arms around her as the memory of the evening he found her on his porch crying, drifted back to her.

“You're going to be just fine, Gretchen,” he had said, his words helping to ease the grief she felt over the inevitable shame that laid ahead in the exposure of her family’s lost fortune.

She shook her head. “I'm being punished for what I did, Matthew... For walking away from you,” she spoke through trembling lips. “Now I have lost everything, including your love. You must despise me now! You must absolutely loathe me.” Barely able to contain her emotions she had buried her face in his chest and wept.

They had sat silently for several seconds, his hold around her never waning. Then, after a few seconds, he had leaned down further and whispered, “I love you, Gretchen.”

His words had washed over her, rendering her speechless as she considered them; he loved her. Rather than hate her for what she did or make mockery of the situation she was in, he sat before her, reassuring her of his friendship... For it was friendship he offered —she knew that much because she knew he loved his wife; she had come to the conclusion of it days before.

Still, Gretchen had rejoiced in Matthew's friendship because she knew with it came his forgiveness for how she had treated him.

He was her friend, and it was for that reason she remained after the disastrous wedding that never took place, while his family journeyed back to San Francisco. But her stay was quickly coming to an end, which was why she was seated before him.

Letting out a soft sigh, she leaned across the desk that stood before him and took hold of his fingers, stopping its rhythm-less drumming on the tabletop.

Visibly startled, he raised his gaze to her.

“Matt,” She smiled, her fingers stroking his hand lightly.

“Huh?”

“Lost again?” She quirked a brow and he shrugged. “I'm leaving.” She finally said.

She watched him, his eyelids growing several notches as the implications of her words began to sink in. Fear clouded his eyes, almost as if he was afraid of being left alone.

“Gretchen,” he whispered, his fingers trapping hers. “Don't go, please,” his weary eyes pleaded with her.

She glanced down, knowing the true reason for his request did not lie in his desire to be with her, but in his fear of being left alone with Sharon. Perhaps Gretchen was the distraction Matthew needed to keep his mind off of his wife's betrayal? Perhaps her presence helped to soothe the pain he felt?

She wasn't certain, but she felt a small stab in her chest at the thought; he was simply using her to ease the pain brought to him by another woman.

She swallowed and shook her head. “I applied for a job in London.” She said. In a conversation she had with Grace, she had mentioned a dress shop in London. When the devastating news of Gretchen's family's dwindled fortune reached her, she had been desperate to escape the shame of it all and London had been the first thing to come to mind. Because she knew she couldn't run off to London without any money to her name or a roof over her head, she had asked Grace for the address of the dress shop and had —in a moment of desperation— written a letter to the owner, begging for a job.

Several weeks later, a letter offering her the job finally showed up.

“I'm quite surprised I got it, but I did. It's at the dress shop Grace told me about. She said the dressmaker has made quite a name for herself. I can't return to San Francisco, what with the shame and all...” She sighed. “I have a month to pass across my decision to the shop owner. I was planning on leaving immediately but I'll stay until you are fine.” She said, and his eyes seemed to light up with that. She quirked a brow, tilting her head to the side as a small smile played on the corners of her lips. “Of course you would have to promise to stop giving me the silent treatment.”

He smiled then, his hands still holding on to hers. “I promise.”

~*~

Sharon could hear her heartbeat slowing down as she listened in on Matthew's conversation with Gretchen. She told herself that it was all her fault; she had been the one to push him into Gretchen's arms, and she had been the one to walk out on him.

Yet, here she stood, feeling betrayed. She had come here to apologize. It had taken her three days to work up the nerves to come to him but she had indeed come, only to be rendered motionless by the conversation she walked into where her husband was begging his former lover to stay.

She knew she had been wrong about a lot of things but had she been wrong about Matthew's feelings for Gretchen? She didn't know. She wanted desperately to have been wrong but she couldn't help feeling she hadn't. Their marriage wasn't built on love; it was built on a bet.

It didn't matter though —she mentally scolded— she had come here to apologize for running off. She had no right to feel anything but shame for the pain she cost him.

Pushing the door open, she paused in her tracks as her gaze rested on Matthew's hand clasped around Gretchen's.

As if hearing her, they turned sharply to her. Surprise filled Gretchen's eyes as she stared back at Sharon, but it was Matthew's guarded look that left her mouth feeling dry.

“Sharon!” Gretchen smiled, rising to her feet. “I'll leave you two alone.”

Sharon watched helplessly as Matthew grabbed Gretchen's wrist, stopping her. It was a blow below the belt but a blow she deserved. She tried to speak, but her words failed.

Unable to look at them, she feared she would give in to her tears if she did. Her eyes searched the study instead —the wooden table with two chairs that stood across from each other. There was a brown sofa on the opposite side of the wall and a window that stood right behind Matthew's form.

Frozen on the spot, she saw something move from the corners of her eyes and turned just in time to watch Matthew make his way past her without so much as a backward glance her way.

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