Until I Really Do

Chapter Thirty Eight

Closing the barn doors behind her once her mission of gathering some eggs for Nana Lois was accomplished, Sharon turned with the basket in her hands and began making her way back to the house.

She would hand the eggs to Nana Lois and help with the baking. Then she would throw herself into the tedious task of cleaning the kitchen. Once that was done, she would get to work stitching the newly acquired tear on her old gray dress. She would busy herself with all of those chores with no other reason but to rid herself of the torturous thoughts of Matthew, only to eventually retire to bed and be haunted by the same thoughts she spent all day trying to escape from.

It was routine; her routine. And while she hated it, she didn't think she had a choice. She didn't think she could cope with the guilt or the pain and so she used chores to distract herself.

She shook her head in yet another failed attempt to rid her mind of him and raised her eyes just in time to watch Matthew make his way out of the building.

The mere sight of him rendered her motionless, her grip barely able to keep the basket from falling to the ground as she stared up at him standing on the front porch with his back to her.

She watched him, her eyes trailing down the length of his body as her mind conjured images of it devoid of the green shirt and black pants he was now clad in. Suddenly, she desired to be in his arms; to go back to the days when their lives had some semblance of normalcy in it, to have him look at her with love and adoration just like he had done in the past.

As if hearing her thoughts, he turned around, their eyes immediately locking.

Barely able to breathe, she watched him, a thin frown creasing his handsome face as he stood still on the front porch. The part of her that was desperate to have him forgive her for what she did, longed to go to him. Yet, for some reason, her legs held her prisoner. Perhaps it was the part of her that was still very confused about him, and about how he felt? Perhaps she was more confused about how she felt —if she loved him. Did she dare give her heart away to him when she wasn't certain he would accept it?

He had confessed to loving her once, but she didn't know if that was still the case; if he still loved her, and if his desires went beyond the child she was to bear. Would he get rid of her once she had had the baby? Wasn't that what he said he would do?

She was suddenly afraid. She realized in that second that she did not want to be alone, neither did she want to be without love.

Matthew moved then —or at least she thought he moved. Her thought was however immediately interrupted by the person who appeared behind him, gaining both their attention; Gretchen.

Sharon watched helplessly as he turned from her and to Gretchen, his action feeling like a stab to her already wounded heart.

Forcing her feet forward, she hurriedly made her way into the building through the back door, slamming the door shut just as her tears began slipping down her cheeks.

~*~

Sharon stood there, her lovely blue dress dancing to the wind as the sunlight lighted up her hair until it nearly appeared golden.

He stared at her, her hands clutching tightly to the basket before her as she stared back at him, and against his better judgment, Matthew felt his heartbeat gradually begin to slow down. Her eyes seemed to beckon to him, urging him to cover the distance between them and pull her into his arms... Or perhaps it was his own silly heart that urged him to go to her, to pull her close, to kiss her and to beg her to return his love.

Walk away, Matthew —he scolded his silly heart, but he knew he couldn't. So he stood there, staring into the eyes of the woman who tore his heart into millions of pieces that could never be fixed.

Still, it didn't change his feelings, or his desires. And the longer he stood there, the more apparent it became to him that he could fight neither of them.

He stepped forward, desiring nothing but to go to her, when the voice behind him stopped him.

“Ready! Sorry it took so long!” Gretchen called, forcing him to turn around sharply, breathless. “Well, we should get going if we're going to get this letter delivered.” She said, stepping forward and tucking her hand in the crook of his arm.

He heaved a breath, her presence reminding him of his purpose for coming out here in the first place; he had agreed to take Gretchen to town so she could deliver a letter to London, accepting the job.

He nodded numbly, knowing full well that he could not pull out of his plans with Gretchen. But it didn't change his desires to be with Sharon in that moment. Perhaps he could ask Gretchen to wait for a few more hours while he went to Sharon?

He turned back around, a frown immediately settling on his face at the sight before him; Sharon was gone.

“Shall we?” Gretchen asked.

Confused, finally he nodded his head, thinking that she most likey wasn't as eager to talk to spend time with him as he was, to spend time with her. Perhaps he had been anxious for nothing?

“Matt?”

Turning to Gretchen who was seated next to him as they made their way to town that morning, he raised a brow. “Huh?”

“I know it's none of my business,” she shrugged. “And perhaps I haven't exactly gotten along with Sharon, but I do believe you're in love with her and I don't think it's wise to keep torturing yourself like this.”

Tightening his grip on the reins, he kept his gaze straight ahead. It was true that he loved Sharon, but he couldn't say the same thing about her. Not only did her actions prove otherwise, Matthew realized then that she hadn't even confessed to loving him in the past. Was there truly a point in loving someone who didn't return his feelings?

“Maybe I'm wrong,” he murmured. “Maybe I'm wrong for falling in love with her... for ever falling in love. Maybe it is I who does not deserve love, Gretchen. Wasn't that why you turned down my proposal? And now I have a woman who I practically forced to marry me, running off on me while I stood on that altar, hoping she had somehow managed to fall in love with me. But I was a fool.”

“Matt—”

He shook his head, silencing her. “Do you know why she married me, Gretchen? Her own father lost her in a bet to my former farm hand. When I found out, I took advantage of the situation and got the farm hand to hand her over to me in exchange for something else. She didn't marry me willingly. Now I'm beginning to think no woman ever will.”

Swallowing, he fought to keep his tears from falling as he urged the horses forward.

“I regret it every day, Matt,” Gretchen finally spoke, breaching the silence between them. “You're probably the best thing I ever truly had and I walked away from you and now I must live with my decision.”

Barely able to look at her, Matthew simply nodded in acknowledgement of her words. He wasn't sure he believed them, but he couldn't speak for he was exhausted —physically from lack of sleep since the day of the wedding, and emotionally from his inability to forget Sharon.

“But you're wrong about Sharon,” Gretchen said. “I do not claim to know whether or not she's in love with you, but I believe she feels something.”

He turned to her then and raised a brow in question; was she defending Sharon? The last time he checked, the two women did not get along.

She scoffed. “She slapped me, Matt,”

“What?!”

She shrugged. “She was defending you and I probably deserved it.”

His lips fell open then, his eyes scanning Gretchen's face for any signs of deceit. But he found none. And in that second, as Matthew threw his head back and gave in to his laughter for the first time in what felt like an eternity, he wasn't certain whether it was the slight look of annoyance on Gretchen's face that had him laughing, or the idea —the ridiculous, persistent idea somewhere in his head— of Sharon feeling something for him, that filled him with great joy.

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