The Diary Of A Broken Heart

Wonderland

This chapter is dedicated to biology_sucks  who has been a constant support ❤️ Thank you so much. Hope you love this chapter 💕💕

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I hate you. I love you. Oh, I hate that I love you.

I've been staring at your profile picture ever since you uploaded it. You're speaking on the mike. Public speaking has always been your passion. I wonder if you're still so passionate about it. Your hairstyle, exactly like David's.He used to be your favourite footballer, wasn't he?I wonder if he still is. Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

You've been going around claiming that victory has embraced you. I wonder what you've won, after breaking my heart so badly. Oh, how could you let go of me so easily? Was I not enough? Was my love not sufficient enough to make you happy? Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

You blush, smiling from ear to ear. Your smile is still the same. The one that stole my heart in just one glance. You used to say that I was the only reason you ever smile. Why am I still not the reason, eh? Have I been replaced? Have you found a better substitute? Or did I stop making you smile now? Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

It's 2 AM. I check your last seen, as per my habit, only to find you online. But that online no longer changes to typing. And I wonder why. Time flashes by as I lie on my couch, in the hopes of a text, I know will never, ever arrive. My heart wishes for you to return. But hopes, my dear, are always false. It's 4 AM and I check your last seen again. It's surprising. 2:30 AM only? Couldn't she stay up for you any longer? Or you didn't want her to bother doing so? Or maybe she never did? I remember how we used to chat all night, talking about your dreams and ambitions. Oh, and about your favourite football team, which I had begun to like, all thanks to you. Why don't you blow up my phone anymore? Why do the nights seem longer than ever? Why does staying up late haunt me now? Why do tears flow roll down my face when I see you online for hours straight? Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

I open your chat tab again. It still has our beautiful conversations. I try to type something. Probably an "I love you". Or maybe a "talk to me." But somehow, my fingers just get so stuck when it's time to press the send button. They freeze. And I only end up hitting the backspace button. I wonder, do you know how many unsent texts I've written for you? Do you know how much I've backspaced all these days? Do you ever bother to look up my last seen and for once knowing that I'm always on, in case you are. Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

5:30 AM and you're fast asleep in bed. This used to be the time I used to push you to bed on a Friday night, when your eyes, reflecting so much fatigue begin to shut themselves every now and then. I knew typing in the dark strained your eyes, and I always told you to keep the light bulb on, but I never bothered putting on my glasses which I knew I needed so desperately. I wonder, does she ever tell you to be careful about such things? Or does she even bother staying up for you? Oh and I wonder, how could you be fast asleep in bed knowing that I'm crying in your memories. Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

You wished to be an eagle, soaring high up in the sky. Traveling gives you pleasure. You've always been keen to explore the world. But oh, do you remember that night when you confessed how you couldn't stay away from me for an instant? Why is it that you're doing just so fine without me? How is that you never notice the way I look at you? How come you blush at someone else's texts now? Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

You said you'd be mine forever and I shall be your girl till the end. Oh, tell me, did your forever last for 2 weeks only? Why am I no longer your girl? Why can't I call you mine anymore, eh? Why did you lie to me? Just why? Oh I wonder I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

I look at your picture again. You've shaved your beard. It reminds me of the first time you came crying to me when you had cut yourself and how I always told you to be careful with yourself. I wonder who tells you all this now. Do you go up crying to her when you get a cut? Does she get worried over such little things? Or tells you off saying, "Be a man." Was my care not enough? Or was I a bit too caring which, in simple words, say annoying? Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

I know all your good habits. I have knowledge of all your passions. For when you speak about them, it feels like you are speaking in stars. But I also know the deepest and darkest of your secrets. I know why you first attempted to commit suicide and I know why you have a obsession with certain lusty things. Even after knowing what a flirt you are, I wonder why my heart goes on loving you madly? I wonder why my heart won't accept the fact that you could have a bad side, even though all evidences are clear in front of me. My brain screams out loud that you are gone and you shall never return. But still, a part of my heart nimbly weeps that one day, you will return with regret in your eyes. You shall apologise to me, and promise to be mine. But, all these hopes, are just my imaginations I desperately wish were true. I wonder why am I so addicted to you. Oh I wonder, I marvel. I feel like Alice, lost in my wonderland.

My wonderland is such a mix. Just like my feelings, my imagination is fucked up too. Everything: eating, sleeping, driving, chilling. Everything. Oh everything involves you. My wonderland revolves around a single soul, that is you. You and you alone. I've been wondering & marvelling since forever. And oh, I wonder, how long does forever last?