Wristbands L.h

Purpose

Violet

Purpose huh? something ive lost myself in all the cancer , the idea of one day dying for real just crushes all the hopes or even dreams you had . After finishing online schooling , im left with nothing but the guys and life itself at home .

I havent seen the sun rise or fall in months , the warmth i miss the most just the warmth you get from comfort or the warmth coming from hugs . The guys are spending almost every minue looking after me , but as much i love that i really want them to tour .

I remember how excited they were about getting a manager and starting the touring , im not gonna stop them i never wanted to . Getting out of the bed , i walk to the bathroom brushing my teeth whilst checking twitter on my phone .

Since the blow up of haters , the video they all did its been quiet and its made things easier for me . The hate didnt help my panic or anxiety attacks , i struggle enough to breathe . But its been okay .

My health has had some improvement , im going on strong i guess but there's moments where i cant catch my breath and dying feels like a second away . The worst is not knowing when or even if im going to out live my cancer but i hope i can .

After changing into sweatpants , a long shirt , jumper with fluffly socks i head down the stairs . Finally Luke had agreed to let me walk them alone without help up or down the stairs , which made me happier i guess .

Nobody is home , sighing i sit on the sofa grabbing the blanket near me whilst turning on netflix . My oxygen tank sits against the sofa , i look down at it wondering if im going to have to live like this forever . Part of me hopes not .

When im with Luke i try to picture things as if i never got the cancer , what it would of been like but i stopped wondering after awhile . Maybe one day i can have a family with Luke or even get married , theres so many things i want to do before completely settling down though .

Ive always wondered about travelling , if i could eventually see New York or the whole of europe soon . But at the moment travelling isnt on my list of things to do , maybe if i ever get better but for now its to get better .

Flicking through the tv shows , i finally choose a film instead not wanting the guys to miss any of their tv shows although it would be funny to spoil it for them . Daddy day care for some reason stands out more then anything else , so i put it on .

Half an hour into the film , the guys come back and Luke has a black eye making my eyes widen . Getting up i ask " what happened?" going straight to him , he sighs says " bumped into someone thats all ".

Making my curiousity run wild , why was there a fight? did they bump into someone whos done me harm before? or someone who was threatening to hurt me.? My anxiety rises , making my hands shake but i pull my sleeves down hiding them .

Michael asks " you ate yet? taken your meds? " i shake my head , he groans says " Violet i love you but you gotta eat etc still please " i nod going to the kitchen . Grabbing the fruit salad i had made the other day , whilst making a milkshake to help with the pills .

After taking the pills , eating some fruit I sit watching the rest of my film whilst Luke grabs some ice for his black eye . He sits next to me , the silence comes back apart from in the basement where the guys are yelling at something .

Luke

I sit down next to Violet with the bag of ice resting on my black eye , in the corner of my eye I can see how awkward this is . She rests her head on my shoulder , whispers " your such an idiot " I whisper " but I'm your idiot ."

A small smile spreads on her lips whilst she looks back up at the film , moving her beanie a bit before cuddling into me . I wrap my arms around Violet , the sound of the guys shouting soon surrounds us again .

Kissing her head I whisper " you know id never let anyone speak bad about you or hurt you right? that's why I have the black eye for sticking up for you " her eyes widen . Violet shakes her head whispers " I'm glad your not in hospital and thank you but I know you would " I nod putting my focus on her .

She keeps moving her beanie , eventually I take it off Violet whispering how beautiful she is with or without it . Tears rise in her eyes , I lift her head up supporting her chin with my hand pressing our lips together .

Tears slip down her cheeks but I wipe them with my thumb after pulling away , Violet rests her forehead against mine . I love her so much . If only she knew half the things I'm willing to do for her .

There's the odd possibility that um Violet could be healthier , they could replace one of her lungs and I went to see if I was matching her blood etc . Apparently I match with hers . Problem is I could live for a few months but would need oxygen tank to actually fully live .

I just ...how I tell her it was me after the surgery or even before , isn't going to be easy . She'd probably cry or scream at me for it but I have to do something .

But as long as I have Violet ill be happy , I hate seeing her so miserable .

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