Gentleman's Agreement

Animal

I could only describe life as bittersweet. It seems that these moments where it seems to good to be true that I end up regretting the decision I make to feed into the bittersweet moments. I'm naive. Naive isn't even the word. I sigh heavily unable to give the answer I want to give him.

"You left me the first time. I'm more than sure it was because your mother wanted the commitment more than you did. Now you want me?"

"This time it is different," he admits. This time his eyes never leave mine. "I came to the realization that I had overreacted about the whole idea. This is hard for me to say to you..." He sighs heavily seeming to get frustrated between trying to find the words and opening up his bottled emotions.

"Every time I wake up it's as if that nightmare is what's going to become of my life. The physical abuse and emotional toll that someone would have to deal with a fuck up like me. How could you ever come to get use to how I am?"

"You are not your father. You are your own person, Xander.. and you can't keep beating yourself up about something that may never happen. I know you wouldn't put me through that."

Mr. Hale cannot begin to speak a sentence by my outburst. "Your aren't making this easy for me." I feel as though it's useless to keep having the same conversation over and over.

All this back and forth is making nauseous. "Commitment isn't when you want it, Xander. You cannot come and go as you please. That's not what someone who loves you and wants you would do. I must get to work. The banquet is tonight. I'll see you then." The bile rising in my throat makes it unable to manage. I quickly shift my stance nearly sprinting towards the bathroom. The contents from last night had been spewed into the toilet bowl.

The thought of what might be crosses my mind. I cannot be. It's possible. Then again I would surely scare him away if he hadn't noticed already. "Everything alright Ellie?" I hear his knuckles tapping against the bathroom door. This was the type of situation where I needed to keep calm and think every possible thing threw. A doctor's appointment must be scheduled immediately.

Once I exit the bathroom Mr. Hale's general concerned look makes my heart melt. The way his brows were low to his eyes in which it felt as if he was trying to conceal the emotion through out his whole body. "I am fine. Just feeling a bit under the weather. We will talk about this later. I must get going now."

"Ellie."

"Yes?"

"Think about it. Please."

I don't think please is apart of his everyday vocabulary. This time Mr. Hale had been serious. If commitment had been a serious for him then the least I could do was think it over. It reminds me of that bitter moment where he didn't want me. I could replay the moment over and over again. I replay the same heartbreaking words like a mantra. The look of disdain on his face will forever be a haunting image for me.

"But.. I thought you loved me...."

"I didn't... I don't."

"But you told me—"

"I will," I reassure him. "I promise."