Gentleman's Agreement

The Truth

We arrive at a boat dock overlooking the bay. The stars in the sky seem to shimmer over the ripples in the water. It had been a while since natural waters seem to cross. I felt like a fish out of water sometimes. Mr. Hale and I take a stride down the dock towards his boat. The breeze against my skin felt refreshing. I could breathe normally without feeling like I had been limited to oxygen.

"Ideally this emotional attachment was never going to work out," he states coldly.

I'm at a lost for words as he tries to sound a bit sincere. The audacity of this man has confused me beyond compare. "You think by admitting this to me is suppose to make everything better?" I shriek.

He's puzzled by my question as if I am asking him to solve a mathematical equation. "I suppose not," he says quizzed.

"You brought me way out here.. to tell me it wouldn't work? IT WOULDN'T WORK!?" I'm belligerent at this moment. I want nothing more than to slap him in the face for all the pain and the tears he caused.

There was silence between us. Everything was ten times louder in my ear, my brain, and my heart. I could hear the wind not settling and blowing the loose strands of hair. The waves started to crash harder against the dock and his words were clear. How it felt against my heart. That was a whole other pain.

"Why?"

"Because.."

"Because WHY!?" I'm shouted.

Mr. Hale startled by my outburst turns around for a moment, clearing his throat. "First, there is a relationship, then marriage, and kids. Then you will expect me to behave differently. To be different. You'll want me to comply and be decent. Just like my parents. Expecting nothing, but preciseness and exactness. I am not a machine. I don't want to settle down. I do not want to be burdened w-.."

"With what?" My lips quiver. "Me?"

I dare not want to finish the sentence, but I have to. "You don't want to be burden with me? With the idea of we could have an amazing relationship.." My heart couldn't bear to finish this conversation.

"I'm not who you want me to be! You think I could ever be settled down? That I could ever be able to have children and live the life of a traditional family."

"Xander... I never asked anything of you, but you. I never asked you to move in with me, or have a family with me. I didn't even know you were my Xander until you made it apparent. Now that all these feelings are out in the open you are trying to push me away?"

It had been made apparent that Mr. Hale had been jumping to conclusions just as I was. There was something scaring him as there was something scaring me. The unanswered feelings, thoughts, and actions of the future. I did want to someday be able to have a life where I was settled. If not with him then with whoever would have me. I was careless and stupid to have been putting myself first.

"You needn't say anything else," I sigh. "I can show myself out."

It was the last thing I could bring myself to say. No other words needed to be exchanged. There was no amount of kisses, no amount of times we could have sex, no amount of words that could have changed our oppositions. We were both too stubborn to make a compromise.

"At least let me walk you out," he insists.

"I can uber myself home if you don't mind. I've had enough of your presence for one night. Plus tomorrow I will have to be up early tomorrow."

My head couldn't wrap the concept of Mr. Hale and I suppose to be having dinner and then this wicked conversation of meaningless feelings. I couldn't comply with his code. Just like a robot can calculate the risks, dangers, and statistics. Mr. Hale could calculate whether being intimate with someone like me risk his status.