The Long Way Home

Chapter Five: Chances

I wanna love you,
But something's pulling me away from you
Jesus is my virtue,
Judas is the demon I cling to
I cling to

Lady Gaga - Judas

It was three am, Earth time and Cass was still awake. She should be tucked up in bed asleep, instead she was standing on the Eastern Balcony listening to the roar of the waves in the distance. The stark black water was swirling against the base of the tower as Cass tilted his head up towards the crescent moon. In her hands she held a mug of delicious hot cocoa, it was soothing and warm against the chilled salty air. She needed to be here right now, the fresh breeze was clearing her head and chasing away the cobwebs left by the nightmares she had been having ever since they'd left the Wraith ship.

Over the past few nights her dreams had been filled with a twisted mixture of her past and the present. Her sleep was plagued with snarling Wraiths hissing and snapping at her, their palms outstretched towards her chest, and then she was back in The Cave, feeling the heat of the insurgents blood flooding through her hands as he rasped in Arabic.

Cass sipped from the steaming mug, feeling the liquid comfort seeping through her insides. The sugar hit was enough to calm her jingling nerves and she felt herself coming down from her constant state of hyper vigilance. Lack of sleep made her paranoid and edgy, she had been jumping at shadows too much these days. She felt her shoulders beginning to sag at the twinges of relaxation that pulsed through her nervous system.

Bad dreams came with the territory, she had learned that over the past four years as a field doctor. Before The Cave it had been the ones that she couldn't save that had haunted her dreams. She had seen the blood jetting from the holes torn in broken bodies, heard their youthful whimpers and ragged breathes as they pleaded for their mothers, wives or children. She remembered their slackening grip as the light drained out of their dying eyes.

"Couldn't sleep?" Elizabeth Weir's compassionate voice was in Cass's ears as the younger woman tilted her head towards her.

Weir came to stand alongside her, her elbows resting on the stone ledge as she looked out to sea. Cass hugged the mug closer to her chest revelling in the heat emitting from it as she snuck another glance at the leader of their expedition. Her uniform was clean and neatly pressed, there wasn't a brunette hair out of place on her head. Cass glanced down at her grey sweats and the faded, powder blue Wonderwoman T-shirt. She didn't have to look in a mirror to know that her hair was a tangled birds nest from all of her tossing and turning. Cass ran her hand through her hair discreetly trying to pat it down as she spoke.

"I'm guessing you don't sleep."

If she was honest Weir's perfection scared her a little, the woman was human enough but Cass felt like she was aloof from the rest of them. Being a leader must be like having to wear a mask over your real face all the time. She knew a thing or two about reigning in her emotions, she had to tip her hat to Weir and the ice maiden image that the other woman portrayed. Weakness was not something that either of them exposed naturally.

"It always takes me a few weeks to settle down when I'm in a new place." Weir said conversationally, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked out across the sea.

Cass bowed her head, staring into the deep recesses of her mug at the unspoken question. There were so many things bouncing around her head, words that she could never say out loud. Her guard was up protecting herself from what she knew could be perceived as failure. Cass didn't know Elizabeth Weir well enough to spill her guts. She wasn't even sure she could talk about what had happened.

In truth she'd spoken to the department psychologist and then as far as she was concerned case closed, she would never have to relive the event again. The scar still itched deep inside her, she hadn't known she was capable of surviving until she was forced to and in the end she knew that was part of the reason Carson had fought so bitterly to hire her.