The Long Way Home

Chapter Sixty Three: Kafka

Ain't falling a part, or bitter
Let's be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor when you're all alone
We'll go on surviving
No drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say
I got you

Leona Lewis – I Got You

There were two guards outside of their quarters which was not the way that things had been when Cass had first gone on her excursion to the Infirmary. John had decided that their quarters were a more secure location than the Infirmary, he didn't want to run the risk of lashing out the same way he had in Elizabeth's office. There were too many potential casualties available and there wasn't anywhere that would make John comfortable and afford him what little freedom he had left. The real John Sheppard didn't want anybody to get hurt so he locked himself away in their quarters with a guard posted at the door.

Her hand reached out, preparing to swipe over the light switch before John's voice rang though the air stopping her in her tracks.

"Leave the lights off."

It was a command, there was no mistaking that and Cass complied, withdrawing her hand from the switch before stepping entirely into the room. The doors hissed shut behind her leaving Cass standing alone in the darkness. She could feel his presence in the room and that gave her comfort until her eyes adjusted.

His back was to her as he sat on their bed in the same place that she had that morning. His eyes were fixed on some invisible spot on the wall. It frightened her how still he was. Usually he was active, always moving, constantly in motion. Now his silence greeted her once more. It wasn't just the verbal void that struck her as odd, it was the inner one. For some reason John was shielding her away from himself and their connection.

Even though he had closed his own door Cass could still feel the agony of what he was going through leaking out from beneath the gaps. It sought her out, plucking at her heartstrings like a well tuned guitar. John was all tied up in knots and the more he fought the tighter the noose around his neck was getting. It was antagonising watching him struggle through this, worse knowing that he was trying to cut her off from experiencing what he was going through.

"Are you ok?" Cass asked quietly as she stepped towards the bed.

"My body's turning into a giant bug, what do you think?" John snapped.

He hated the way his voice sounded when he spoke to her. It was callous and cruel, making him sound like he was sneering at her attempts at compassion. Cass brushed it aside as if it were nothing. He had known she was patient when the two of them had gotten together but he had never realized just how much until this situation had arose.

Cass sat down on the bed beside her husband as John twisted his head away from her so she could only see the profile of his handsome features. His teeth were grinding together as he wrestled with the retro virus inside of him. It wanted to hurt Cass so badly it was killing him. He could feel it stabbing at his insides, trying to wear him down over and over again. The sheer effort it took to remain himself was tremendous, he could feel pieces ebbing away with every passing moment.

"I think that you should probably be glad that we know why this is happening as opposed to the poor guy in the Kafka novel you were reading, where he just woke up like that." Cass said with a lilt of humour as her delicate hand came to rest upon his knee in a show of solidarity.

That simple touch brought him straight him back to the man he was as her words floated into his ears. He found himself smiling despite everything that was happening right now. It was good to know there were some parts of himself still intact. He remembered reading 'The Metamorphosis' by Franz Kafka only weeks ago. Cass hated Kafka, she had gotten three pages through 'The Trial' before tossing it back to him in frustration. She despised the way the author wrote and his bleak outlook on life.