The Long Way Home

Chapter Forty Five: Walking In Memphis

Yeah, I got a first class ticket
But I'm as blue as a boy can be

Then I'm walking in Memphis
I was walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale
Walking in Memphis
But do I really feel the way I feel?

Marc Cohn – Walking In Memphis

John had never been to Memphis before today but he found like a lot of the southern suburbs it had just the right amount of hospitality compared to the Northern states. The town where Ford had grown up was just on the outskirts of the city and John wasn't surprised to see that it was flourishing with culture and friendliness. He was currently sitting within Corinne's very beautiful home politely awaiting the refreshments she had offered him. The house was very modern and was designed to be open planned. John found himself admiring it when he had first entered.

Now he was sitting on the couch wrought with regret and apprehension holding a picture frame containing Ford's graduation photograph from the Marines. It had been placed on the coffee table along side several other more personal ones, and John found himself smiling grimly as he reviewed them. He was dressed in a new navy blue suit for the occasion with a crisp sky coloured shirt underneath, there was no tie required as this was an informal meeting but he thought that Lieutenant Ford's family deserved this degree of respect for everything that they had been through.

He set the picture frame down again as Corinne entered the room carrying a tray with a white decanter and two coffee cups, a small jug of milk and a matching bowl of sweetener, all perched on top. John clasped his fingers together as she set down the tray and began pouring the coffee out in silence.

The quiet was restricting and he found when he chanced a glance at Ford's cousin that he couldn't get a read on her emotions. She had been polite enough upon greeting but that could simply be from the way she was raised as opposed to the way she was feeling. John shifted awkwardly and wondered if she could sense his tension.

Delivering messages like this was never easy but it was worse when it was regarding a man that he had considered to be a close friend. His inability to give any details hindered him completely. If the position was reversed he would want as much information as he could get his hands on but in this circumstance he wasn't allowed to give it.

"I appreciate you coming here in person Major, Aiden and I were only cousins but since we didn't have any brothers and sisters we became very close." Corinne told John as she offered a coffee cup to him.

John took it gratefully as he considered her words. He had suspected as much from the photographs and his memories of Ford during their missions and downtime. John had originally thought Corinne was his sister from the way the other man had talked about her and he had been surprised to learn she was in fact a close cousin when he had been seeking out the Lieutenant's next of kin.

"I want you to know that as far as I'm concerned he's still alive." John informed the woman across from him, making sure she could see the earnest sincerity in his eyes. "Until I see evidence to the contrary I intend to keep looking for him."

"But you can't give me any details. You can't tell me where he was stationed or how he went missing or what the chances are that I'll ever see him again." Corinne's stern voice became more vivid with anger as she spat out each sentence.

John found himself sighing as he searched for the right words to say, for something that could reassure this woman maybe even grant her a little peace but there was nothing. Those huge dark eyes were staring back at him accusingly as John gnawed on his lower lip, before his gaze lowered into the recesses of his coffee cup to escape it.

"I'm sorry." he murmured shamefully before he took a sip from the cup.

"This is exactly why I didn't want you to speak with Aiden's grandparents. They can't take this kind of thing right now." Corinne hesitated as John set his cup back down before continuing. "I'm starting to think that maybe I should tell them that he's not coming home. At least I know they would have some closure."

John was already shaking his head at her words, his expression was pinched and pained. He couldn't hide the passing of emotions that were crossing his features and he knew from the way Corinne's own gaze softened that he was already revealing too much of his own personal stake.

"Well, we're not there yet." he said gently in an attempt to comfort this woman.

John himself had never been on the receiving end of one of these conversations and he hoped to God he would never have to be. He felt so useless trying to help this woman, he knew there was never anything he could do or say to relinquish the pain and suffering she must be feeling. He knew a thing or two about hurt and he was devastated at Ford's disappearance despite the fact he was aware of the details and he had the means and capability to possibly locate the other man.

Before he had returned to Earth he had been trying, they all had but Ford was skilled and wily. His training with the Marines upstaged John's air force experience, it would seem that Ford was always one step ahead, covering his tracks.

"You know Aiden mentioned you in that tape he sent..." Corinne began.

John's mind flickered back to the week before the Siege upon Atlantis and the tapes that everyone in the city had made in order to say goodbye to their loved ones. He was surprised to hear that he had been mentioned in Ford's tape at all since their messages were all personal.

"He said you were a good man." Corienne continued as John turned his head away from her. "That he trusted you with his life."

John pursed his lips together so his mouth was set in a straight line. These words should be filling him with an immense sense of pride instead they were stabbing him like tiny needles raking all over his skin. He should have done more for the other man, he should have blasted Ford straight away as many times as possible in order to get him under control instead of trying to talk him down. He should have insisted that Beckett put him in restraints so he couldn't escape. He could have done any number of things but he hadn't and now Corinne and her family were paying the price for that.

"You tell me Major, was that trust misplaced?" Corinne asked him as John swallowed hard past the lump in his throat.

The truth was John Sheppard didn't have an answer for that.