The Long Way Home

Chapter Nineteen: Damage Control

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
In the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Imogen Heap – Wait It Out

It was late and the two of them were sitting across from each other in the dimly lit Mess Hall at one of the uniformed metallic tables. There were barely any lights illuminating the room and that was the way the two of them wanted it. They didn't want anyone to see how the two of them were drowning at the current moment. The ordeal with the Hoffans had worn them down, they had nothing else to give right now and they were in a place where they didn't have to. Carson felt comfortable in Cass's presence. He wasn't afraid to show the extent of his feelings and he knew that more than anyone that she would be the one to understand. The gruelling images from Hoff were flashing through his brain like photographs every time he blinked.

Perna...

Carson's fingers wrapped around the bottle of Ruus Wine before he poured more of the fiery liquid into the plastic mug for the third time over the past hour. The Athosians had gifted him with the bottle the last time they were on the Main Land as a 'thank you' for helping with their treatment plans.

He couldn't bring himself to think of Perna right now, she had been so resolute in her actions right until the end. She had still believed that they had done the right thing in created the serum even thought fifty percent of the population were dying as a result of what they had done. Carson tipped his head back letting the smoky liquid slip down the confines of his throat. It left a fruity tang on his tongue and warm, burning sensation in his chest. His head was starting to spin just a tiny bit as he sagged over the table, his cheek resting on his fist as he reviewed his empty mug before Cass reached out and filled it once more with Ruus wine.

The alcohol was working it's magic, it was draining every single one of his emotions away and filling right to the brim with a numbness he needed now more than ever. They hadn't spoken since the two of them had sat down at this table and started drinking, there was an aptitude and understanding in their silence. So many words were flitting between them unspoken and that was the way it needed to be.

They knew what it felt like to watch the life draining out of someone's eyes as their body quivered and quaked in terror. They say you lost twenty one grams when your soul escaped your body when you died. Carson wondered what the weight was when your soul dissolved piece by piece.

"I'm sorry about Perna." Cass said quietly, her hands wrapped around her mug as she stared into the depths of it.

"So am I." Carson returned gruffly, taking a sip from his mug. "Somehow it doesn't seem right to toast her."

It didn't. He was remorseful over his hand in her death and he would miss her dearly. Perna had been the first person in this galaxy to have even a vague understanding of genetics. They had become more than friends over the past few weeks they had worked together. There had been nothing inappropriate but they had cared for each other and as he held her hand in those final moments he wished he had showed it just a little bit more.

Together they had created something horrific, something that was going to guarantee the extermination of a nation. Their blood was on his hands even if he wasn't the one that actually doing the killing.

"They chose their fate." Cass reminded him as she watched him drain yet another mug of wine. "You tried to stop them numerous times. The only thing your guilty of is trying to shake them out of denial."

"The responsibility is on my shoulders one way or another." Carson stated, his expression completely stoic as he shook his head in memory of the past twenty four hours.

"You've paid your penitence." Cass told Carson as she topped his mug with the remains of Ruus Wine.

Somehow Carson Beckett didn't think that that was nearly enough.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cass was tipsy, to say she was drunk was far too strong. The alcohol had not effected her as badly as John had originally thought. He had heard from Ford that the two doctors were drowning their sorrows in the Mess Hall, as it turned out Carson had been the one to consume the majority of the bottle. Cass had simply been the company to his misery. After John had helped Cass get the heavy set Chief of Medicine back to his own quarters and onto the bed the two of them had began a slow, talkative walk back to her room.

John liked his side of Cass, she was chatty and more open. Her guard was down as they strode through the corridors languidly, Cass's dainty hand slipped into his larger one before she clasped it tightly.

"I'm ready." she told him, exhaling deeply before she tipped her head up to smile at him.

He knew what she meant when she said those words and for a single second he considered the possibility it was the alcohol talking. John was sick of playing midnight tiptoe, he wanted to be able to touch his partner how he wanted, when he wanted instead of restraining himself all of the time. Cass had been opposed to the idea, she had told him she simply wasn't ready yet. She didn't want people to judge them for what they were doing and in the end John had pointed out the people who mattered whose opinion they cared about.

"Cassie..." he began.

The smaller woman reached up on tiptoes and pressed the softest, most loving kiss he had ever experienced upon his finely sculptured lips. Her kiss silenced every single protest that ran through his brain. He had been ready since this had started. Cass's hands took his gently, her thumbs running over the grooves of his knuckles as she drew away.

"I'm ready." she repeated.

John's fingertips brushed the strands of dark hair out of her eyes, before he placed a butterfly kiss upon her forehead.

"Ok." he murmured against her delicate skin.

Cass stepped back as John held out his hand ready to take hers. The instant their fingers entwined John knew that she meant everything she said. The intimacy in that simple touch told him everything he needed to know as her hand clasped his. Her head was held high in dignity as the two of them began to walk down the corridor.

He had never seen this Cass before, the brazen, carefree goddess that held his hand as they walked through the towards his quarters. There weren't a lot of people around at this time of night but the ones that were didn't try to hide the fact they were stunned by this show of unity. There were a few that shared a brief smile as they passed by, it was good to see that someone was happy around here.

John could feel that proud smile curving across his features as he leaned in even closer to Cass. They had talked about taking their relationship to the next level a lot over the past few weeks. By doing this Cass was registering a commitment that he had thought she had been secretly shirking. He had been ready for this since the moment he'd laid that kiss on her lips back in the Infirmary all those months ago.

This wasn't a secret any more, this was a relationship.