The Long Way Home

Chapter One Hundred and Eighteen

The bleeding had stopped. Cass guessed that was something to be thankful for as she stood alone in their shared bathroom before casting a glance at the door. It was ajar, she had made sure it was open just a crack so that she could hear John moving around in the other room. The need to be near him was overwhelming, the truth was she didn't want to let him out of her sight for a single second. She was terrified that if she did that he would simply disappear.

She couldn't stand the thought of leaving John's side, the possibility of her being left all alone again scared her in ways that she never could have imagined. She had always been independent and strong, she could stand on her own two feet but now Cass had to admit that she was struggling.

Cass believed that Michael had tried to ruin her, he had done unspeakable things to her body and it had caused a fracture in her soul that terrified her so damn much. She didn't know if she could be fixed, right now she was troubled and she knew that. It was hard for her to feel safe and secure even though she was home on Atlantis. Hyper vigilance was a symptom of her anxiety and she knew she had to take control of her life again now that she was back here and living it.

In the other room she could hear John clearing his throat and flicking on the plasma television he had secured to the bedroom wall across from their bed. He had sensed her discomfort when he strayed too far away from her so he was purposely making more noise than usual whilst getting ready for bed and Cass was grateful for that thoughtfulness. It was his way of showing her he was still there waiting in the wings if she needed him.

The truth was Cassandra needed her husband now more than ever. Her life had fallen apart when she had been kidnapped by Michael and no matter how many times she had tried to slot the pieces of herself back together she found herself unable to make the pieces fit the same way they had before. John had told her it would all come back naturally. She was still in shock and her defences were still teetering and tall. She didn't know how to strip them down, she was too used to supporting them and her mind hadn't quite accepted that she was on stable ground.

The main reason was because Cass couldn't understand how John could even feel the same after he had learned the truth about what she had been carrying inside of her. It sickened her all over again to think about it.

Cass glanced up at her own gaunt, sallow features in their shared mirror. She looked nothing like the woman she had been before. There was a thin streak of white embedded in her dark hair, she could see it profoundly as she ran her hand through her hairline. She was sure that would never fade, she wondered briefly what John would think of this new development. She barely recognised herself, how could she expect John to love her when she was breaking into a million pieces?

Cass exhaled deeply as she shook her head, starring deep into the reflection. She had to get through this, it was killing her slowly and that was exactly what Michael and that wretched clone of hers wanted. It was stealing her ability to live, draining away every inch of her sanity. In short, it was winning.

Cass stole another glance at the door before swallowing hard. Already she knew she had spent too long in the bathroom. She thought John had guessed that she was trying to get herself back together before coming out hence why he was giving her the space to do what she needed.

His empathy had been what had attracted her to him in the first place. Meeting him in Afghanistan had been an act of fate, he had been in her surgery because he had rescued a kid from a car bomb. He had been fighting for his country and protecting the natives of the area during a time of war, they didn't get more heroic than that she thought.

Take a deep breath and face him. Cassandra told herself.

John was the most non-judgemental person she knew, he was also the person she cared about most in the world. If his opinion on her changed she had no idea what she would do. It was doubts like that that trapped her, it made it impossible to put one foot in front of the other and take that leap. She couldn't open the connection between them because she was so traumatised and afraid that he would reject her when he saw how damaged she really was.