The Long Way Home

Chapter Forty: Home

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Metallica – Nothing Else Matters

Cass had been crying. Anyone in the Control Room could see that from the red rimmed, blood shot eyes and the blotched complexion. Her dark hair was drawn back into a tight ponytail as she stared at the screen highlighted in front of her. Ever since she'd followed the Major out of Elizabeth's office she had been subdued. There was no emotion in her eyes, she looked dead inside.

Carson stood beside her as she stared at the screen. They were watching the Puddle Jumper weave it's way through the green dots that represented the Wraith Darts on the long range sensor. The silence was stifling and oppressive. They were all waiting with bated breath to see if John's exploit was successful, even if it was they would still have one more Hive Ship to destroy which meant someone else with the ATA gene would have to follow suit. Cass sincerely wished she'd taken Carson's offer of the injection all those months ago.

The radio was crackling with John's hushed voice and Carson caught Cass physically flinching at the sound. Her jaw was clenched as she closed her sapphire eyes briefly trying to draw strength before they experienced the Major's final moments. His hand sought out hers, his fingers curling around her delicate extremity in a sign of unity.

There were no words to express how sorry Carson felt. Over the past seven months Cass had been truly happy for what he suspected had been the first time in a long time, to have it snatched away from her like this was a cruel twist of Fate.

Cass clasped his hand tightly acknowledging his presence. Listening to John's voice and knowing what he was about to do was putting her in a state of turmoil, there was no way she could open her mouth without begging him to come back to her. She wanted that more than anything right now and it was killing her to keep that desperate human side of herself at bay.

Locking down was how she had survived over the years and she would do that again. She couldn't allow herself to fall apart because the moment she did it was all over and there wouldn't be a single piece of Cassandra Sheppard left existing any more.

Their marriage wasn't legal so there were no records of them ever bonding together. They had only existed as husband and wife to each other and to the people around them, back on Earth that wouldn't count for anything. She wouldn't be able to stay in Atlantis without him. It was their home and just knowing that John had died protecting it would eat her up inside every damned day that she remained here. Cassandra Pierce would go back to Afghanistan where there wouldn't be a chance to wallow in her grief.

Right now though she wanted to be Cassandra Sheppard just that little bit longer and this was the only way she could be close to her husband. Hearing his final moments would rip her apart in ways that would be simply irreparable but she would have lived those final seconds with him. He would die knowing that he wasn't alone and that his sacrifice had been for something at the very least.

In seconds it was over as quickly as it started. The red blip that was the Puddle Jumper disappeared and that yellow blob that had been the target miraculously vanished. John's mission had been a success.

Nothing happened for Cass, there was just this crushing, numbing deficiency that resided in the recesses of her body. She could only feel the sensation of Carson squeezing her fingers so hard she thought he may break them. She had expected the grief to cripple her but it didn't. There was a strange absence of emotion that she couldn't explain, her heart was still beating and her soul still intact.

Around her there was a revered quietness. Elizabeth's head was bowed in memory of their fallen colleague, her knuckles white as she clinched her hands together in front of her. Rodney's expression was one of sullen distance as he stared at the screen unmoving. Carson was breathing heavily at her side trying to maintain what fragile slither of control he had left. The techs were working diligently, their own faces painted with sorrow at the situation that had come to a head.