The Long Way Home

Chapter Thirty Four: All In

Yeah, you know I'm right here

I'm not losing you this time

I'm all in, nothing left to hide

I'm falling harder than a landslide.

Lifehouse – All In

It was the first night that Cass had woken up alone in a long time and it alarmed her. She stretched her bare legs out before rolling over onto John's side, her delicate hand reaching out for him blindly. Her fingers grasped cool sheets, marking the fact his absence from the bed was more than merely a few minutes.

Cass understood what was keeping up him at night, it was the same thing that made her own sleepless as it did everyone on Atlantis. They had known for over a week now that there were three Wraith Hive ships striving towards their city and there wasn't a damn thing they could do about it. Without a fully functioning ZPM they were helpless, their shields would barely suffice. They were outnumbered and ill matched.

The two of them were spending their spare time jumping from world to world trying to find a secure Alpha Site in case they needed to evacuate. The possibility of getting home was looking more and more unlikely. Atlantis was the only place they had come across with a Stargate that linked back to the Milky Way, with that gone their only way home would have vanished. They had known this was a possibility before they had embarked on this exhibition, it was different now having the reality looming so close. She couldn't imagine not seeing the joyous faces of her niece and nephew ever again or not being able to hug her sister once again. It simply didn't bare thinking about.

Cass raised her head from the pillow, surveying the room as she rubbed her hands over her exhausted features. Over the months John's room had become as familiar as her own, her eyes sought out the tall thin window that over looked the sea that surrounded their city.

John was standing there beside it, the profile of his rugged features were illuminated by the moonlight. She couldn't read his expression from here but she knew he was deep in thought. His messy, chocolate brown hair was sticking up in all different directions. His arms were crossed over the chest of his black Pirate Panda T-shirt and he didn't seem to hear her as she rose from the bed and approached him quietly.

John tilted his head towards Cass as she looped her arms through his, her palms coming to rest on his firm stomach. John's entire body seemed to relax in her embrace as he sagged against her. This was the side of him that no one else would ever see, the side that needed to share this burden with someone.

"I hate feeling so helpless." he admitted into the silence of the night.

Cass pressed her cheek against the centre of his spine as she hugged him tight. There was solace in her arms, there was a hope in his heart that they could get through this, that the two of them would survive along with everyone else in their city.

There were no words Cass could say to take away what they were feeling. Every single person in Atlantis was scrambling to come up with ideas that would help them keep the city safe from the Wraith but with their lack of resources none of them were feasible. Short of setting the self destruct and slipping through the Stargate to their new Alpha Site, where ever that maybe, there was nothing they could do.

"I've been thinking..." John bowed his head trailing off with a sigh as he looked down at her hands, his thumb caressing over the line of her fingers.

"Should I be concerned?" Cass teased as he turned to face her.

His expression was deadly serious as he cupped her face between his calloused hands. Cass felt her heart beginning to melt at the sincere expression upon his handsome features.

"You know how I feel right?" he questioned her.

His voice was gruff as he spoke, she could sense the well of emotion residing inside of him as she put her palm to the place where his heart beat within his chest. She could feel it's constant steady thrum underneath her fingertips, she could feel her own throat growing tight as she looked back into his clear, hazel eyes.

"I have no doubts." she whispered as John's lips brushed hers with a tenderness that resounded through their connection.

"I didn't know what love was until I met you." he murmured against her lips as his body pressed against hers, his strong arm looping around her waist before he walked her backwards towards their bed.

"I never believed in soulmates." Cass confessed as she drew his t-shirt up and over his head before tossing it to the floor in a heap.

"I wish we had more time." John told her between urgent, spine tingling kisses as he peeled her white tank top away from her naked flesh. "You need to promise me if something happens..."

Cass cut him off with the barest shake of her head, her hands roaming up and down the planes of his chest as she scolded him.

"Don't talk like that."

"Cassie, I don't want to think about it." he told her honestly, capturing her face between his hands once more. "But if something happens to me I want you to be happy."

"If anything happens to you..." she trailed off, unable to bring herself to speak.

I'll never be happy again.

They could never say those words out loud but they each felt it. Life would become empty and barren, they would live but not truly. Their existence would be patterned with the possibilities of what could have been. They couldn't live not knowing what could have been for the two of them if this all went horribly wrong.

Cass wanted to show him that love was unconditional, that even though their future wavered right before her eyes, she was willing to make that final commitment to her lover.

"Marry me." John whispered into the corner of her mouth as if reading her thoughts. "We may not have much of a future left but I want what little time I can with you as my wife."

"And after?" Cass murmured as John's teeth grazed that sensitive spot just underneath the line of her jaw. "If we survive this."

John's breath ghosted in her ear, sending shivers through her body as his fiery fingertips chased up along the curve of her spine.

"Cassandra Sheppard still sounds mighty good to me."