suicide note [ ᴷᵀᴴ ⁺ ᴶᴶᴷ ] [#wattys2017]

12

i've been working on this the entire evening. still not happy with how it turned out though. sigh.

☆*:.｡. ｡.:*☆

Hoseok, who quickly understood the whole situation after Taehyung had handed him the letter, had left the two younger boys alone. Not that it was necessary, but maybe they needed their privacy, he wouldn't know. Taehyung didn't want to leave Jungkook alone in that state, so he stayed for a little longer. Longer than expected actually, and when he realised he needed to head home, he really couldn't. "We're not allowed to exit the building after 8pm," Jungkook said with a shaky voice, which he had since he had been crying his eyes out. He had stopped crying now, but he hadn't moved more than lying down on his bed instead of sitting on it. Taehyung didn't know what to do, firstly; he wasn't even allowed to be there, and secondly; he had work tomorrow, at 8:30am. He needed to head home, some teacher or other worker in Jungkook's college building couldn't see him. It would definitely cause a lot of unnecessary trouble for the two boys.

"But I need to g-" "I know you need to go," Jungkook interrupted, looking at the older who was standing in the middle of the room, the slight frustration on his face noticeable. "But...could you please stay? For me?" The words made a sigh escape Taehyung's lips. "I-I don't think Hoseok will return today, and...and I really don't want to-to be alone..." The last few words turned into whispers as the boy started crying again. Of course Taehyung would stay, leaving Jungkook like this would make him hate himself. Maybe, just maybe, he could be free tomorrow. The older walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge, Jungkook had sat up again and was looking down at his hands who were in his lap, tears falling from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks.

"I can stay, but I don't know what we should do if anyone notices me," Taehyung said as he fiddled with his fingers, he had no idea what to do. Should he hug the younger? Put an arm around him? He had no idea on how to make Jungkook less sad, it probably wasn't even possible after reading his best friend's suicide note. Taehyung felt stupid. Maybe he shouldn't have given it to Jungkook? Maybe he should have waited a little longer, so that the two of them could become closer? Maybe this ruined something? Maybe–

"Stop thinking," Jungkook was now looking at his older, newly found friend, who already had made a huge impact on his nineteen years of life. He laid down on his bed once again and tried his best to keep in the tears that were still threatening to fall. Taehyung looked up from his hands and let out a deep sigh. "Lay down," Jungkook whispered, patting on the space next to him on the bed. Taehyung, feeling slightly nervous, did as told and laid down on the empty space next to the nineteen year old. "Do you have work tomorrow?" Jungkook then asked, to which Taehyung nodded. "Could you- uhm...maybe-" "I am nearly one hundred percent sure that I can be free tomorrow, I have overworked a lot the past days so I think it's possible," Taehyung said, speaking truthfully. He had worked more than what was needed and what he was actually hired for, but he still needed the little amount of extra money. "Thank you," Jungkook said, in nothing more than a whisper once again.

It went quiet for a few minutes, Taehyung closed his eyes. Not to sleep or rest, but to think. What had happened today? A lot of things, maybe too many things.

Then, a few sobs were heard and he opened his eyes, and turned his body around so that he was facing Jungkook. "Jungkook," he put his hand on Jungkook's, "look at me." The younger didn't obey him, only cried more. "Look at me, Jungkook," Taehyung repeated, the said boy then turned his body around as well, so that he was facing Taehyung. "It-it's all my fault, isn't it?" The brunette cried. "If-if I never moved to-to Seoul, ma-maybe he would be alive? Maybe he-he would've been happy? Maybe-" "Don't fucking blame yourself," Taehyung stopped the younger abruptly. "Jungkook, this is not your fault. Blaming yourself won't make anything better," Taehyung said, he didn't mean to sound angry, but seeing that the younger was blaming himself for someone's suicide made him extremely sad. "Listen to the words I say," Taehyung searched for the younger's eyes, but they were closed. "Look at me," he then said. Jungkook opened his eyes, but he just closed them again as well as covering his face with his hands as he saw Taehyung lying there in front of him.

No, he didn't cry more because of Taehyung. But realising that those words were leaving Taehyung's lips made him emotional, for some unknown reason.

"I-this...this can't be real," Jungkook whispered, sobs leaving his lips again. He was totally broken, and even if he knew that Taehyung couldn't make anything better in that moment, he knew that just having someone he felt safe with there, he would make it through the night without totally ruining his mind by blaming himself for what had happened. "Taehyung," he lowly said as he removed his hands from his face, a sudden need in his voice. Taehyung just wrapped an arm around the younger, which caused them to automatically move closer to each other, which made Jungkook cry more, even though none of them took much notice of it.

Jungkook felt safe, just in that moment. Even if he was a total mess, Taehyung's touch made him slightly more calm, just a little bit. But it was enough, at least for the night.

"Don't blame yourself, Jungkook, as I said, Jimin wouldn't want you to blame yourself either, so don't," Taehyung said, repeating something that he had mentioned earlier that day. "Cry as much as you want; but don't blame yourself," the last four words were whispers, Taehyung's eyes closing. Jungkook was still crying, sobbing and sniffling.

"I'll stay here, you're not alone."

☆*:.｡. ｡.:*☆

i feel like life was never really made for someone like me, i don't know what to do.

thank you for 5k though, it means a lot.

not fully edited.