Savior

(22) Tears

I watched as Eugene trembled in fear in front of Negan. My heart ached as I watched. His voice trembled as he spoke, afraid that if he said the wrong thing, he would meet Lucille. As Negan walked away, a tear rolled down his cheek, I could only imagine how he felt, stripped from his home, the people he knew, now in the lion's den.
"Eugene." I said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to be afraid. He won't hurt you."
"Pardon me, but I would appreciate it if you don't speak to me. Although you are a friend of Rick's, you are not one of mine." He said, his voice no longer shaky.
"Got it." I said, hanging my head and walking inside, hating myself for ending up here.

--
"Hey princess!" Negan beamed as I walked up the metal stairs, Lucille over his shoulder and a bright smile on his face. "What's wrong?" He said, his smile disappearing. "I saw you talking to Eugene, did he say something to you?" He said, his voice getting louder, and his shoulders tensing up. "Because I will—"
"No, he didn't." I lied, a knot forming in my stomach as I tried to piece this fib together. "I just don't feel good."
"What's wrong? I can go get Dr. Carson." He said, starting to lean Lucille against the rails and turning towards the way to the infirmary.
"No, it's okay. Thank you anyway. I'm going to go lay down." I placed a kiss on his cheek and began walking down the hall, tears streaming down my cheeks and anger boiling through my veins, I've never hated myself for loving someone. I quickly wiped my eyes as I heard Negan's voice booming off the walls.
"Where the fuck is Dwight?" His voice echoed down the corridor. I began walking towards his voice, trying to see what Dwight had done. That's when I saw Negan standing in front of Dwight's door and four men jumping him. Anger boiled through me and I pushed past Negan and pulled a guy off Dwight.
"What the fuck?!" He yelled at me, stepping towards me and Negan butted in.
"Don't even think about it." He growled at him and looked at me. Alice! What the fuck are you doing?"
"Why is Dwight getting jumped?"
"Let's go have a look, shall we?" He grabbed my arm and began pulling me down the hall, his thumb digging into my skin.
"Ow, Negan stop! You're hurting me!" I yelled as I pulled my arm free and he pointed to the empty cell where Daryl was.
"How the fuck did he get out?" Negan asked.
"How the fuck should I know?"
"He's your god damn friend, maybe you let him out and went to Alexandria to see if he went there, or maybe to see if we had left so he could go there!" He yelled moving Lucille from his shoulder and into his hands, putting it underneath my chin.
"What? You think I'm scared of you?" I said, my eyes burning into his. "I don't know how he got out. If you don't believe me, go ahead, try to kill me, I dare you." I said, adrenaline bursting through me, making me feel invincible.
"Don't think I fucking won't." He growled back, a smirk curling up on his face.
"Like I said, try it." I smiled back.
He began to raise his arms and I pulled my knife, pressing it against his abdomen.
"Damn! You are something else." He scratched the back of his neck and sighed. "So, uh, you had nothing to do with this?"
"No, I didn't." He licked his lips and smiled.
"Get in the cell."
"What?" I snapped.
"I said get in the cell or I'll put you there myself."
"What the fuck Negan? We just established I had nothing to do with him getting out."
"I'm not locking you up, dumbass." He chuckled and unzipped his coat, tossing it inside the cell. When I raised an eyebrow at him he shrugged, "So your back doesn't hurt."

--
I sat on the metal steps, Negan's jacket on my shoulders and my head in my hands. How could I sleep with the man who killed my best friend? A sob escaped my throat as I sat on the steps, I covered my mouth when a side door squealed as it was opened. The sound of women's giggles filled the air, two ex-wives of Negan clinging to Eugene as he carried a basket, two "balloons" bobbing up and down as he walked. I returned my head to my hands and weeped.

"Alice?" Hanna said, holding herself up using another ex-wife. "Do you want to hang out with us?" She said giggling.
"I'll pass." I said before sniffling, wiping my nose with my sleeve. I stood up and Eugene locked eyes with me, his soft ones into my bloodshot ones. My eyes stayed glued to the floor as I walked through the sanctuary, not wanting any men to mess with me because I was crying or women to judge me. My chest heaved as I continued to sob, realizing that everyday I spent here was another betraying my friends, it was another day staring into the eyes of the man who took Glenn's life. I couldn't leave here, Negan wouldn't stop until I was found, dead or alive. He would check Alexandria or the Hilltop first, I couldn't go there. A pitiful sob echoed off the concrete walls as I drug my feet down the corridor, trying to make the biggest decision of my life. Do I runaway?

--
I sat on the edge of the bed and occasionally turned to watch Negan. His chest rose and fell as he quietly snored, occasionally mumbling in his sleep. Most of the time he dreamt of Lucille, not the bat, his wife. She died in the hospital of cancer, he avoids all conversations about her, it took me months just to get the little he did tell me, followed by "Don't ask me again."

I rain my fingers through his hair and he began to wake up.
"Its late." He mumbled, wiping his eyes. "Why are you awake?"
"I had a bad dream." I lied for the second time today. "I was about to lay down." He ran his finger through his hair and nodded, patting beside him. I laid down beside him and he pulled me closer to me, wrapping an arm around me.
"What's wrong? I've heard from more than a few people about you crying in the common room and Eugene said you were on the steps outside crying. Don't say you're fine, because obviously you're fucking not, and if there's something I can do to help you then god damn it, let me help you."
"Negan." I choked out, squeezing my eyes shut as a tear rolled out of my eyes. "I hate you."
"I know you do. You don't feel how you used to about me. You don't love me anymore and out of all the things we've been through, I still love you."
"He was my best friend. My brother." I sobbed, burying my face in his chest as he held me.
"I know."
"You killed him." My breath was shaking as I wept, I felt as if my throats was closing, like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs, that my heart was beating slower and slower as I laid there.
"I know I did." He cleared his throat
and I could've sworn he was crying too.