On The Edge Of Falling

You Are What You Eat

"You are NOT the father!"
"Ohhh! Stupid cheating bitch! Don't worry, man, you're better off without her!" I yelled, as I watched the young man on the television, crying and running off the stage. His unfaithful girlfriend chasing after him with her crocodile tears, and long fake purple acrylic nails. I felt terrible for the man who just discovered that the 4 year old little boy, who he cared for and loved, wasn't even his. He dedicated 6 years of his life to a woman, who only used him to buy diapers and pay her bills. Then of course, Zak popped into my mind. Poor bastard was going to end up in the same boat. Maybe, not the child part, but you get what I mean.
My belly was so bloated, I nearly ripped my shirt and sweats right off me like the hulk. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... The smell of Italian herbs and Parmesan filled the room, as my cheesy pizza bread box laid open in front of me. The powder from the hostess donuts still coated my fingers, but it didn't stop me from picking up a hot buffalo wing and dunking it into the cup of cool ranch. This seemed to be an ugly pattern for me. I lose a job, so I fill my day with smut and junk. It oddly made me feel better. You'd think gaining weight would be the last thing I'd want to do, but I thought why not? I'm going to end up alone, might as well enjoy myself.
            I felt like I was drowning in a pool of sorrow, or a pool of candy wrappers and soda cans. I couldn't even flinch, as I heard the door swing open. Billy stepped in and immediately, rolled his eyes at the sight of my lethargic body sprawled out on the couch. "Are you still wallowing?" Billy asked, as he sat his bag of target goodies on the coffee table. With a swing of my leg, I knocked the trash onto the floor.
            "Sorry, I'll clean that up, I promise."
            "Addy, you've got to stop this."
            "I'm not doing anything wrong, Billy."
            "How is this not wrong? Eating all this crap? You're going to end up like that big blueberry chick on Willy Wonka." Billy said, as he snatched one of my hot wings.
            "I'll be fine. I just need some days to recover." I shoveled in another piece of cheesy bread, after I smothered it in pizza sauce.
            "Addy, you've been here for a week! This isn't healthy. I know what happened with Zak hurt you, but you have to move on." Billy urged. I violently threw the trash off my lap, and kicked it out of my way, so I could stand.
            "No, you know what hurts me the most, Billy? That no one fucking believes me! That Lindsey bitch is a lying little whore, and I just have to sit idly by and watch her destroy the man I love!" Billy sat back in his chair. Taken by the intensity of my voice. I never let things get to me so much, but I felt as though I had a ticking time bomb stuck inside my brain just waiting to explode.
            "I know that you love him, Addy, but couldn't this all be a big misunderstanding? I mean, are you sure you heard Lindsey say those things?"
            "Yes! I'm not an idiot, Billy! Why haven't you told Zak?"
            "I've tried, he won't listen to me."
            "She's got him wrapped around her thieving little finger." I sighed, with a rapid shake of my head. "Whatever, if he wants to give everything to that woman, it's all on him." I said, as I went into the kitchen. I returned with a broom in my hand and began to sweep up all the trash I left on the floor. Billy lifted his feet on the chair, as I tapped his ankle with the bristles.
            "I think you need to be the one to tell Zak, Addy. He needs to hear it from you. Everything."
            "No, Billy. The way he talked to me that night, the way he treated me. I never want to see him again."
            "But you love him."
            "Yeah, well, I'll get over it." I scooped the wrappers into the dustpan and tossed it into the kitchens trash can. I walked back into the living room and intensely met eyes with Billy. "But you know what, you're right. I'm not going to do this to myself anymore. I'm done sitting on this couch feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to go do something with my life and make that bastard wish he never lost me."
            I know, I know, what a mighty fine speech that was, Addilyn. Most of the time, people talk a big game when they're upset. It's kind of like dieting. The first day you decide you're going to lose weight, you won't have fast food, or junk, but a few days later your nose deep in your favorite Taco Bell burrito, but I meant every word I said. I was going to make something of my life. I was determined to make everyone proud of me, but more so, I wanted to be proud of myself.
Sitting at the bank was a little more intimidating than I expected. My credit score was so-so, and I never had any real money, so the chances of being approved for a loan were slim to none, but I couldn't walk out of here without trying. The bankers eyes were cold, and harsh, as they looked upon me. I couldn't keep my feet still, as they rapidly tapped the carpeted floor underneath me. "So, Ms. Reilly, you want to open your own..." The banker waved his hand back and forth, as if he already forgotten what I told him five minutes ago.
            "A photography studio." I answered with my nervous, shaky voice.
            "Right. Yes, well, I'm not sure if you're actually loan material."
            "Whys that?"
            "Well, your credit is..."
            "I know it's not great, but..."
            "You have many collections that haven't been paid in full."
            "Most of those are credit cards for my stupid ex boyfriend. I've been trying to pay off as much as I can, but I'm currently out of work."
            "Ms. Reilly, can I be blunt?" The banker said, with a curl of his brow, and a slight sigh. Indicating that this meeting wasn't going to end well. "Under the circumstances, I really won't be able to approve you for a loan at this time. You pay off some of your debt, and raise your credit score, and then you can come see me. I'm sorry." He reached over to shake my hand. I knew I had to be polite, but the only thing I thought of doing was slapping him across his face. I did the respectful thing and shook his hand, before shamefully walking out.
            Having to go home and explain my embarrassment to Billy was more than I could handle. One more thing to prove to everyone that I was worthless. I would've kept it hidden from him, but he saw the shame in my eyes the minute I walked through the front door. I searched, over and over, for local jobs, but unless I had a medical degree, or was trained in exotic dancing, there wasn't much for me here. So, I continued my misery. There was a spot on the couch, that still had some left over crumbs, with my name on it. "Addilyn Rose, what the hell are you doing?" Billy asked, as he walked downstairs after his soothing shower.
            "Don't even say it, Billy."
            "No, I'm going to say it. What about that huge speech you gave me earlier? Where did that determination go?" Billy took a seat beside me and curled his lip at the sight of the trashy housewives show on the television.
            "I tried, alright? I looked for jobs. I even went to a bank to get a loan, but just my luck, I didn't get approved."
            "A loan for what?"
            "Nothing, it's not going to happen."
            "No, come on, tell me." Billy urged, as he picked up the remote and muted the television. I guess, loud, obnoxious women about to scrap was distracting.
            "I wanted to open my own photography studio. That's my passion, Billy. I'm not really good at anything else, and I sure as hell don't want to be another assistant to some prick."
            "Well, you never know, some day it could happen. Just be patient." Suddenly, a knock on the door interrupted our conversation. I looked to Billy, as he looked to the door. "Are you expecting someone?"
            "Yeah, the queen is stopping by." I said, sarcastically. "Who would I be expecting?"
            Billy laughed and walked to the door. As he opened, he was met with Zak, smiling back at him. "What are you doing here?"
             "Do you still have that popcorn maker thing? I want to use it for me and Lindsey's movie night." Zak invited himself in, pushing past Billy. He stopped in his tracks, as he saw me sitting on the couch, staring back at him. "I should've known Billy would save you." Zak smirked.
            "Yeah, because you know everything, don't you, Zak?" I said, giving him a snarky smirk right back.
            "You ever going to apologize for busting my girlfriends nose?"
            "Nope, she deserved every knuckle."
            "How did she deserve that? She was talking to her mother and you came in with your fists swinging!"
            "So, I'm guessing you still haven't figured out that she's cheating on you, huh?" I asked, while crossing my arms. Zak remained quiet, with a look of disbelief marked on his face.
            "You're lying."
            "I'm really not. She was talking to her real boyfriend, about how she was using you for your money, and how she doesn't give a shit about you. That's why I hit her."
             "Wow, you're unbelievable, Addy. You can't admit when you're wrong, so you try to pass the blame."
             "Believe what you want to believe, Zak." I said, as I stood up and walked towards the staircase. Billy was watching, still standing awkwardly by the door. "Just know, when you're crying because she left your sorry ass, don't expect me to be there to comfort you." I walked up the stairs, leaving Billy and Zak alone in an uncomfortable silence. Zak finally had enough and walked out. Billy turned to him, watching as he got into his car.
             "You still want the popcorn machine?"