On The Edge Of Falling

Stay Out Of My Head

"How could you even ask me that?" I gasped, as I removed myself from the bed. Zak sat up and stared at me, with a calm demeanor, as if he didn't realize he did anything wrong.
"Addy, it's a very simple question. Would you rather live with me, or Billy?" Zak asked.
"I don't have feelings for Billy!"
"I didn't say you did." Zak replied, now growing more nervous by my increasing defensive behavior. "Addy, what the hell is going on?" Zak asked, as he climbed out of bed and stood before me. His ripped arms tightly crossed, bulging every vein out.
"Nothing is going on, Zak."
"Is there something going on between you and Billy?"
"No, I just...my mom got to me earlier, I guess." I sighed and took a seat on the bed. The RV still bouncing up and down from the rough road underneath us.
"What do you mean?"
"She was questioning everything. About me and you. About me and Billy."
"Why would she even bring up Billy?"
"I don't know, I guess she saw how much he cared about me. How protective he is. She probably thought something romantic was going on."
"Is there?"
"Zak, I just told you there wasn't."
"Okay, well I'm just curious where all of this is coming from? I mean, you did live with him."
"Yeah, only because you kicked me out." I replied, harshly. Zak let out a deep breath and sat beside me on the bed.
"You know this relationship is never going to work if you keep bringing that up. You said you forgave me, so why can't we move on?"
"This relationship will also never work if you keep questioning my feelings for you. I love you, Zak. No one else. Just you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."
"So, you're moving back in?" Zak asked, with a crooked grin. For some reason, I had to swallow the huge lump of uncertainty building up. I managed to push a smile.
"Yes, as soon as we get back." I smiled, as Zak showed that big ecstatic grin. The way he grasped onto me, and held me, made me feel like I was definitely making the right decision, but there was still a strong worry that we were rushing back into things, but I couldn't tell Zak, and risk losing everything all over again.
Our road trip was long, and exhausting. Everyone of us tried to find strength to even climb off the RV. They do this every time? They're stronger than me. I went back home with Billy, but this time, to pack my things. I grunted the entire time, becoming really sick of having to move back, and forth. Billy tapped on my bedroom door, and as I turned, he greeted me with the warmest smile. "Hey, you sure you are ready to move back in with him?" Billy asked.
"Yeah, I think so. I just hope that this is it, you know." I smiled, and returned to my packing. Billy walked to the bed and helped me fold the remaining clothes I had piled up. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course." Billy tossed another folded shirt into the suitcase. He widened his eyes in curiosity, as I remained quiet. "What, Addy? Come on, suddenly you're afraid to talk to me?"
"I just...I don't know, do you ever feel like you're doing something wrong, even though you think it's right?"
"Every day." Billy sighed, as he slowly folded another t-shirt. I could see the secrets locked behind his eyes. He was hiding something from me, and I had to figure out what.
"What are you doing wrong?"
"Nothing, I just know how it feels, that's all." Billy nodded, with one of the most insincere grin I had ever seen. With a raised brow, and a firm placement of my hands on my hips, I urged Billy to confess, but instead all he gave me was laughter. "I'm not doing anything wrong, Addy."
"You just said every day, Billy. So, come on, tell me." I demanded. Billy let out a more aggravating sigh this time around, and tossed the last shirt on the pile. I turned and watched him walk back towards the door, but before he left, he turned to me and smiled.
"He better treat you right."
"He will, Billy. He loves me."
"Okay." Billy walked out, leaving me alone, with even more unanswered questions. The numerous sounds of dubious voices zooming through my mind were driving me mad. I had to get out of there, and find the comfort in Zak's arms. I couldn't wait to have them wrapped around me again.
Zak was waiting for me in the living room, along with Billy and Aaron. As I approached with my bags, Zak quickly stood and took them from me. "Is this the last of it?" He asked.
"Yeah, that's it." I replied. Zak gave me a sweet kiss before he walked towards the door. "I'll be out in a minute. Just want to say goodbye." I said, as I turned my attention to Billy, who was still trying to push a hollow grin. "I'll miss you."
"Yeah, me too." Billy said, as he pulled me in for one of his famous bear hugs. "That room will always be here for you, if you ever need to come back."
"I know. Thank you, for everything."
"Any time." Billy and I shared one last strong embrace, before I rushed out to the car. I didn't want them to see me cry. Especially not Zak. I held it in, so I wouldn't have to listen to more questions from Zak about my feelings.
As they stood on the front porch, watching us drive away, Aaron looked over at Billy and couldn't help but sense a depressed nature coming off him. Billy, hiding his feelings, quickly walked to his backyard. He always found his most tranquil state when he listened to that water flow. Aaron, being the great friend he is, made sure to stay close behind. As he sat in the chair beside Billy, he waited for Billy to spill it. Aaron could see it in his eyes. The intense pain from my leaving. "Bro, you okay?" Aaron asked.
"I'm fine, Aaron."
"Really? Cause you seem like you're..."
"Aaron! I'm fine!" Billy snapped, causing Aaron to laugh and rapidly shake his head.
"Dude, no you're not! Look at you, you're a fucking wreck, man. It'll be okay, Bill, you'll see her again. It's not like she's moving back to St. Louis."
"That's not the point." Billy sighed. Aaron let the silence take over for a moment, allowing him to figure out what really was going on. Finally, it occurred to him.
"Wow, I can't believe I didn't see it before." Aaron smiled.
"What are you talking about?"
"You like Addy."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do, bro. Admit it."
"No, I don't, Aaron! I don't like her! How can I like someone who drives me completely crazy? Who gets under my skin? Who I think of every morning when I wake up, and every night before I fall asleep, and every waking moment in between? How? I don't like her, Aaron! I love her! I am in love with Addilyn!" By the calm expression on Aaron's face, he wasn't the least bit surprised, but Billy, it was as if he was utterly shocked by his own confession. "Oh, my god. I'm in love with her."
"What are you going to do?"
"What am I supposed to do? She loves Zak, and he loves her. He's one of my best friends, bro. How am I supposed to come between that?"
"I think you owe it to yourself to tell her." Aaron said. "You never know, maybe she loves you back." Billy let out an ironic chuckle.
"Yeah, because all women choose me over Zak Bagans. Be serious, man. I don't have a chance against him, and I'm not the type of guy to break up a relationship."
"So, that's it? You're just going to let her go that easily?"
"Yeah, I guess I am." Billy and Aaron finished the rest of their visit in complete silence. Billy tried to keep his agonizing thoughts about me at bay, but it pained him to think about someone else basking in the love that he lost.
I rolled off of Zak, as my body still trembled with passion. The sounds of us trying to catch our breaths, was the only sound filling the room. With a grasp of my hand, he pulled it up to his mouth, and gave it a sweet kiss. "God, I missed you." Zak exhaled. Still locking his fingers between mine tight.
"I've missed you too." I said, as I rolled over, and rested my head on his firm chest. "You don't think we're rushing into this do you? I mean, this is right...right?"
"Addy..."
"I know, I know. I'm being paranoid again. I wasn't going to say anything, but I just want us to be perfect. Naturally perfect."
"This is perfect, babe."
            "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm happy everything is back to normal."
            "Back to the way it should be." Zak smiled.
            As I pressed my ear against his chest, I could hear the strong beats of his heart. The sound I was certain I wanted to hear for the rest of my life. I was certain I wanted to marry him. I was certain I wanted to have his children. Certain...I was certain.
            I dreamt that night. A dream that I had no clear explanation for. I was in a room, with nothing surrounding me, but a bright white light. I heard nothing. No birds chirping. No wind. Not even the sound of my own breathing. Am I dead?
            Suddenly, a noise invaded my ears, and I soon discovered that I wasn't alone. Maybe, I am dead, and I'm about to meet my savior. As I laid eyes upon the man in front of me, I realized it was a savior, but one of a different kind. "Billy? What is this place?"
            "How should I know? This is your dream, Addy. We're in your mind." Billy replied.
            "I'm afraid."
            "There's nothing to be afraid of."
            "Do I love Zak?"
            "I don't know, do you?"
            "I want to."
            "Then why am I here?"
            "You can't be. You can't be here anymore, Billy. You have to get out of my mind. Leave me alone."
            "Are you sure that's what you want? If you get rid of me now, there's no turning back. If you want Zak, you have to completely erase me from your thoughts."
            "I'm sure. Please, get out." I whispered, as I watched Billy turn and walk through the bright light, fading away into the distance. That was it, no turning back now.
I woke up in a cold sweat. I gasped, as I heaved my body up in bed, causing Zak to stir and roll to me. "You okay?" He asked, practically whispering, still waking himself up.
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?" He asked again. I smiled at him, and wrapped his arm around me. We faced each other, sharing our beautiful smiles.
"I'm sure. Everything is fine now."