Every Bad Thing

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Am I really not enough?

Sinubukan ko naman... Am I still not enough?

The fact that I'm even asking is already an answer. 

I've always known that I wasn't. It was my biggest insecurity. For years, I've learned not to pay attention to it, but it's so hard to ignore something that you already heard someone tell you firsthand. And his father at that.

Hindi ba talaga kami pwede? Bawal ba talaga? Masyado ba talagang malayo ang agwat naming dalawa?

I've tried... to reach him. Kahit na hindi kapantay, basta malapit... Pero kulang pa rin ba? Are my efforts not enough? Still?

I never really cared about being the best. I never cared about getting better. As long as I'm happy. But being with him made me want to be better. So I could deserve him. So I could make him proud. So people around us won't judge him for having such poor taste. I wanted to be better for him. To be worthy.

I know he loves me for what I am. But should he settle for someone like me? 

Half of my academic achievements, I have nothing but barely passing grades. He's right when he said I don't excel on anything. Hindi ako kagaya ni Kuya Xavi na jack of all trades, hindi ako kagaya ni Hadeon na matalino at athletic. I'm not talented like Zeno. I'm not sport like my younger sister, Hyon. I'm the black sheep of the family.

I just wanna be an architect. That's it. Can something that small be called an ambition? 

And he's right. I'm worth nothing if I've been stripped off my name. 

Ano lang ang pwede kong ipagmalaki? That I've kissed boys more than the number of my age? That I can drink hard alcohols and that I'm a party animal? Ano?I'm... worthless. 

Mr. Gallego is just telling the truth. I don't deserve him.

How could I even think for one second that we can be together? 

We are too different. Silas shouts of every good thing and I'm nothing but bad. He's the complete opposite of me. He's an achiever, he's nice and patient, he's prim and proper. Me? I'm bad for him. I will only drag him down. I'm already dragging him down.

No matter how hard I try to pretend... No matter how hard I try to be someone who could be of match with him... We can't be together.

I should stop forcing myself to him when it's already obvious that we won't work. I should stop trying so hard because we're not gonna happen. 

Hindi sapat na mahal namin ang isa't isa. An extreme love that does nothing but pull you down isn't ideal. That's not healthy. Just like what I feel for him. Being with him is wrong... no matter how right it feels.

My best isn't still good enough for him. He's just too far and unreachable. No matter how desperately I try to grow and chase after him. I'll only find myself being left behind. No. I'll only find him slowing down to match with my pace. Because that's just how Silas is.

And that's not how a relationship should be. Ayaw ko maging sagabal sa kanya. Kahit gaano ko pa siya kamahal at kahit gaano pa ako malulunod kung wala siya... Mas masasaktan ako kung siya ang makikita kong nalulunod dahil sa akin.

I should start learning to accept the fact that I'm not for him. I can't be what he needs. I wish I could. I wish we could be together without all of these. Kung pwede lang...

My heart shattered over and over in one night. I fell asleep that night, overthinking, worrying about Silas, and mostly crying.

I was woken up with a soft caress on my cheek, on the spot where a tear dried up on its own. I stirred and slowly opened my eyes to see what it was. My mind registered how swollen my eyes felt. That's not a surprise, remembering how much I cried last night.