Every Bad Thing

Chapter Thirty-Seven

My arms were already tired from swimming back and forth our pool. I am not sure how many hours I've been here but I'm positive that I've been here for too long. The skin of my fingers were already wrinkled because of the water.

Swimming used to make me divert myself from thinking. It still works, but some thoughts still managed to slip through. Silas moved on from me and found someone else. My plan worked. My sacrifice four years ago wasn't in vain.

I should be happy... But I can't. I can't pretend that I'm happy. I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt. I can't pretend that it doesn't break me. I can't... pretend.

I still love him. I terribly do, so much that it hurts... pero anong magagawa ko? I want to be with him... but I can't be with him without dragging him down. I already tried to be better for him... to be worthy of his love, but it still ended ended tragically.

It's like fate was conspiring against me. No matter what I do to be right for him, the whole world keeps on proving me that I'm wrong.

I am wrong for him. I've accepted this a long time ago... but I can't deny how a part of me still clings on the idea and wish that we could be together.

What happened yesterday made me realize that maybe we really can't. Maybe he's just not for me.

Maybe Orion's right. It's been four years. I have to move on. And maybe I deserve someone else. Maybe I deserve Orion. Maybe I should give him a chance again. Maybe I could try. Maybe I could love again.

I know it won't be the same. It won't surpass what I feel for Silas... but at least I can still love, right? I can be happy right?

Because I'm so... tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of just being half-alive. I wanna get a shot at being happy again. I wanna move on like he did. It'd be for the best for the both of us. I just want to get rid of this loneliness... kasi pagod na pagod na talaga ako.

I wanted to keep on swimming to keep myself from thinking about him, but my arms and legs were already worn out. The whole family dined out. It's been forever since I ate dinner with them in a restaurant. I almost cried, which is why I chose to stay quiet. I've missed it.

I couldn't sleep. I've twisted and turned in my bed, but it sleeping was futile. I was physically exhausted, but my mind was not.

I sent a text to Rachel, telling her about my plans. Gusto niya rin lumabas kaya pumayag siyang mag night out. Sinundo niya ako sa bahay dahil alam niyang wala akong kotse.

She picked the place. I don't care about it anyway, I just want noise and alcohol. It was already twelve and the club was swarming with people. She brought us to the club where foreigners mostly visits.

I didn't keep track of the bottles and number of shots that I had. Buong oras ay nasa couch lang ako at umiinom. Rachel, on the other hand, entertained guys and frequently danced on the dance floor.

I never gave my chance to think. I drank and drank. I don't know how long it has been. My eyes were already falling. My body feels heavy, but I never stopped from drinking. Hangga't may nakikita akong alak ay inom pa rin ako nang inom.

I heard Rachel hoot followed by a soft thud on the couch. She must have sat on it. I clumsily turned my head to check but my eyes hardly opened.

"Oh, man... She's wasted." I heard her say. She heavily sighed. I felt her scooch over to my side. "You still okay, L? Kaya pa?"

My head fell back to the coach. I smirked.

"Ikaw? Kaya mo pa ba?" I heard the words slur as it escaped my mouth. I am aware but I have no control over it.