I'm Yours (On Hold)

Chapter 2

Sherlock

Sitting around, day after day, doing nothing was boring. John would come by everyday and break down by the grave. It was devastating. Everyday he got thinner and paler. Darker bags under his eyes. 

He wore the scarf but always seemed to be cold no matter what he was wearing. He looked exhausted and devestated. He knelt in front of it and began to cry. My heart broke into a million pieces. I couldn't bear the sight of him so broken and I knew it was because of me.

He got up and started screaming. "Sherlock! Why did you have to be such an asshole and leave me behind the way you did?! This isn't living! You not only killed yourself, but me too when you took that jump! I... I..."then he fell to the floor and started crying again.

Everyday he would do this and everyday my heart continues to break into a million pieces and it hurts. When Molly would bring me food, she would hug me and tell me everything would be alright. She always told me I should just give him a hug and tell him everything's alright but we both knew I couldn't because it wasn't the right time yet and he could be killed.

"I'm sorry." she would say and then she would wipe a tear from my eye. John is the only person who makes me cry, makes me smile, makes me feel human. Hell he made me laugh in the middle of a crime scene on our first case. I smiled at the memory.

He shot the Cabbie to save me and I hadn't realized until afterwards and I came up with some really lame excuse to get Lestrade to forget what I said about the shooter. I chuckled when I remember how pathetic I sounded. "I'm in shock... look I've got a blanket." It was amazing.

I shook my head and brought myself back to the present. It was Christmas Eve and there was a present tucked away in my pocket. We had gotten rid of all of Moriarty's men. John, Mrs. Hudson, and Lestrade are safe now. Molly kept telling me that this was the perfect moment to come back from the dead but there was something different about today.

John looked done. He wore all black and he had already been crying. My scarf was still wrapped around his neck but he still shivered as he walked over to the grave. He immediately fell to his knees. He looked so exhausted, as if he hadn't gotten a good night's rest for a long time.

There was no screaming today. No 'how dare you's' and no 'Why's.' I found myself stalking closer to hear what he had to say. Today was different and I was going to make it a good day. I noticed he had something in his pocket and I stalked even closer so I could figure out what it was. John never brought anything, aside from flowers.

The snow crunched under my boot and I silently cursed myself for being so loud but John didn't turn around. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a black box and my heart sank. John pulled out the ring making me feel even worse. I can't believe I left him alone.

"Life without you has sucked... not one worth living." he said. I then noticed there was something else in his pocket. I took a few steps closer, worried about what he was going to do. When I saw what it was, I froze. I didn't know what to do.

I have seen many knives throughout my whole life. I've seen them in the kitchen, lying on the ground, and some sticking out of people's bodies but it never bothered me. Out of all of those knives, none of them scared me. None of them rendered me useless but seeing that knife in John's pocket scared the hell out of me.

My heart thundered in my ears and I tried to think of what to do but my mind had stopped working. 

All I could think about was that blade. Blood dripping off of it in an outstretched hand, not moving. John wasn't moving and I knew this was because of me. I caused it. This was my fault.

I couldn't breathe for a second and my knees hit the snow. When at last I caught my breath, I sat there in the snow, hunched over. I don't know what I'd do if that actually happend. 

"Will you be my husband Sherlock Holmes?"

My breath caught in my throat and I turned to him. Did he actually ask what I thought I heard? My eyes filled with tears again and I wrapped my arms around John. He started wriggling around, trying to get away from me but I wouldn't let him.

"Shhh. It's okay John. It's me. Calm down. I'm not trying to hurt you." I whispered and he suddenly froze after he recognized my voice. He slowly turned towards me, eyes closed, and I realized... he thought he was dreaming.

When he finally did open them he looked shocked. "You're not real. You're not real. You're dead and just one of my many illusions. I'm just seeing what I want to see but I you're gone."

My heart shattered again. What did I do to you? I'm so sorry John. I won't ever do anything like this again. I tilted his face up, searching his eyes for anything but sadness but he closed them before I got a chance to look well enough.

"Please go away. I know you're not real. Just like all of my dreams, you would never actually be here, touching me as though I was important. Even if you were alive right now, you would never talk to me or look at me the way you are now."

He didn't think I cared. What about all those times I waited for him? All those times he told me 'you should eat something' and I did even though I wasn't hungry. My life has flipped since I met John and he never noticed. I almost chuckled at the thought of it but right now was not the right time.

"John... John... look at me. Please look at me. Does this feel fake to you?" I asked wiping a tear from his cheek. I pulled him closer before finally kissing him. I couldn't believe this was actually happening right now.

I have seen this moment play out in so many different ways but this, this was not one of them. John breathed a sigh of relief before he shivered. I hugged him closer to me, trying to keep him warm even though I was far from it. I didn't want to ruin this moment.

We sat in silence for a little while before I shuddered. John chuckled and wrapped the scarf around my neck. "Come on let's go home." he said.

"Yeah...home."

Home could have been in the middle of the ocean on a tiny island but it wouldn't matter as long as John was with me. I bent my head low as we left the graveyard because no one knew I was alive yet.

Once we arrived at 221b Baker Street, I noticed John shivering. I waited until he finished knocking to pull him close to me, kissing him as I wrapped my scarf around his neck again.

"It's about time Jo..." she started as the door swung open. I pulled away and turned to her smiling. 

"Hello Mrs. Hudson. I would love to catch up but right now, John needs to get inside before he freezes to death." I said squeezing past her and dragging John with me upstairs. It was great to be back.