"Aj! Honey it's time to get up. We have to go to your appointment."
I groan and cover my ears. "Aj!" She screams again. "I don't wanna!" I whine. "Aj we don't have time for this. Let's go."
She pulls the blanket away from me and I frown at her. "I understand your emotions change a lot, but you have to at least try to work with me okay? I need you to stop acting like that. I just want the best for you! This is one of your last appointments before your surgery."
"Don't remind me." I say. She sighs and I decide to change my mood before I upset her more.
"I'm sorry."
"Fine. Let's just go." She helps me into the wheelchair and then we head out. I want to see Dean.
I really do.
But I know if I do I'll fall for him even more. And I don't want that. Him and I can't be a thing.
We just can't.
There's no way he will like a girl like me. I'm not normal. I could die. Why would he get attached to me if dying was a possibility?
No one wants to be attached to that.
•••
"You seem fine." The doctor says as he flashes light on my eyes. I stare at the white wall as he moves the flashlight back and ford across my eyes.
"How do you feel Aj?"
He always asks this question. I guess it's because he's a doctor and he's supposed to ask. I hate being asked so, so, much.
Its because I can't answer it. I know how I feel there's just no way to describe it. Tired? Sad? Lonely?
"I'm fine."
"That's great! So your surgery is next week. How do you feel about that?"
"Fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Alright that's great."
"Ma'am we have the results of your blood tests. Come this way and I'll give them to you."
"Oh okay." My mom replies. The doctor made my parents take blood tests to see if they're compatible with me just in case I need blood.
My mom and the doctor walk out and I stay sit still in place. It's not like I can walk away or anything.
When the door opens my heart both sinks and flutters. Dean walks in with a grin on his face like usual.
"Best friend! How are you?"
"I'm good." I reply dryly. "You don't sound good. What's wrong?" He asks sitting in front of me.
He takes out a bag of sunflower seeds and starts eating them. "Want some?" He offers. I shake my head no.
"Okay. So what's wrong?" He continues to eat as he pays full attention to me. "Nothing." I reply feeling annoyed.
"Nothing huh? We've talked about this April Jeannette, lying is a sin."
"Stop calling me April Jeannette." I snap. He gives me a surprised look. "Woah calm down baby girl."
My cheeks feel warm when he calls me 'baby girl'. I try to not let it phase me so I look away quickly.
"You didn't reply to my message last night why?"
I shrug. I wanted to reply to his message more than anything, but I can't allow myself to get too attached.
He could walk out of my life any minute and falling too hard would wreck me in every possible way.
"That's right. I forgot you said Facebook was for old people." He says laughing. His laugh is the sweetest sound my ears have ever heard.
If I could listen to it on repeat I would without a doubt.
"Here! Just put your number in." He hands me his phone. "No. I don't give my number out."
"But we're bffs! You have to. It's obligatory." He says with a smile. Stop smiling. Stop smiling.
"I don't want to." I try to make it sound like I actually mean it. "Liar liar. Come onnnn just put it in. Or I'll give you my number."
I grab his phone disappointed in myself for falling too easy. I type my name in and my number.
When I exit out of the contact name I see his home screen. It's a picture of a girl. She's a tan girl with wavy hair.
She's got a plumped chest and a tiny waist. Literally looks like she was designed by the gods. I stare at her feeling jealous at her beauty.
Finally, I realize that I've been staring like an idiot and I hand him his phone back. "Did you put it in?"
"Mhmm."
"Great." He says with a smile. I feel like crying and I'm not sure why. My throat is starting to tighten and I hate myself for being so vulnerable and emotional.
"Now we can't text and han-"
"Can you leave?" I whisper. "What?" He asks confused. "Leave." I say quietly. The image of that girl is glued to my mind.
It only gets more painful every time. "What do you-" before he even has time to finish I snap in both anger and sadness. "Leave!"
Dean gets up from the chair and still has a perplexed look on his eyes. He walks to the door and turns around to look at me.
I want him to stay. I don't want him to leave, but he does. He walks out the door and it only makes my heart hurt more.
I blink the tears away and take a deep breath. I don't cry, but it still hurts. What is wrong with me? Why am I so screwed up?
There's so many thing I'd like to say, but instead I keep them in my head.
