My Book Of Poems

Growing Up

Let me ask you a question. What happened to my freedom.... and to being a kid? You may wonder why I ask this but in reality it's because I spend more of my free time looking at college campuses than spending it soaking up my time with friends as the clock slowly ticks by. You wonder, but aren't you graduating this year? Yes, I am but my heart is weighted down so heavily by how many times you say "Have you picked where you want to go yet?" I'm supposed to have my life planned out for the next 4 years but I just want to live for now, not worrying about where I'll end up by the end of the night. Time is ticking and so is my mind. I can't seem to gasp for air without swallowing bits of the conversation held back by my mother as she is worrying that I'll never get in. Then the dreaded thought pops up. "Maybe I don't want to go to school." You ask why I would even consider this but then again you don't understand that I have a chemical in my brain that allows no room for the education I may need to survive the real world and instead allows the pure form of the words "I can't do this." to linger like bad morning breath. That chemical screams at me everyday and fighting it takes up my energy. Maybe the reason why that though pops up is because I hate being up at six in the morning to go to a place full of people I don't like, food that tastes awful with no nutritional value, being told what to do, and being judged solely on the fact that me, myself, and I are different in a way no one understands but me. No one wants that. Sometimes my brain wanders and thinks "What if Nursing isn't for you?" which is great until I'm sobbing at 3 in the morning with my chest racking and my brain numb from dehydration because I feel like a failure every time I go to a campus. My brother talks about leaving a legacy but little does he know that he's the reason that I'm crying alone in my bedroom due to the campus visits. "I can't be like him. I'll never be like him. I'm not what they wanted. I'm a failure." all lingers in my mind because he's the perfect child even when he messes up and I'm just a chaotic mess. Not even a good one and living like a child is no longer an option to the one that it mattered most to. Cause you can't be a child and adult. You have to be one or the other. No make believe or pretend. You aren't five anymore but you act like it from time to time.

Let me live.

Written By: BistyC