Finding it

18

My friends give both of us a questioning look as if they can't tell why Travis is here or why I am not going inside the cohort with them, but they don't question it as they just head through the door. I can feel that Travis's eyes haven't left me but now, as I finally get to talk to him, my nerves don't allow me to. My hands start fidgeting with an apple that I am still holding from dinner that I intentionally, was going to eat, but now my appetite is lost. And so is my focus.

We stand in a moment of silence until he speaks up. "Hi, Katie," he says.
"Hi," I say in return.
"I, uhm, Connor told me that you wanted to see me."
"Yeah, uhm," this is too awkward. What happened to our closeness? "We haven't spoken in a while."
He stays silent, but nods.
"Is there a reason for all this?" I ask, "For why you stopped talking to me?"
"You seem pretty happy without me."
"What?"
"Angelo? Alex?" He spits their names.

"You're jealous, seriously? They're just friends!"

"Very touchy friends."

"There is a reason I'm dating you and not them, Travis!" I frown. "That's it? You're upset that I have close friends that are guys?"

"No, Im upset that they're just really touchy and flirty with you."

"This is why you've been acting so weird? We're just friends! What about your friend at that restaurant?"

"That's something else, Katie—"

"Miranda told me you guys had something—"

"Look,I was gonna tell you eventually," He hesitates now, "I'm sorry, Miranda probably told you everything."

"She told me—" She told me what? All she said was you guys had a romantic past, I could have some reason to be jealous about that, you don't have reason with Alex and my friendship! Is what I want to ask but he doesn't let me finish.

"We drifted apart—Mae and I, I mean—and then we just stopped talking and we don't talk at all in general anymore. I don't have feelings for her anymore, I mean sure she is pretty nice looking but...ugh, Katie, I'm sorry it's just then I needed space because I thought you would be hurt and I couldn't think of a way to actually tell you about her but that's alright because Miranda already did."

When he finally finished rambling on about Mae, I stand there quiet not getting what he means. And then it hits me like a truck and anger washes over my body. "So you dated Mae," I start, "and didn't break up with her before coming to me?!"

"Yes, but—"

"And you're getting mad at me for having guy friends?"

"Katie, yes, but—"

"But. What?" My voice lethal. How can he do that? How can anyone do that? "You just used me to cheat on your other girlfriend?"

"She's not my other girlfriend--"

"Well you sure as hell didn't break up with her. You sure a hell didn't break up with her at all apparently!"

"Miranda didn't tell you--?"

"She told me that you guys had a kind of history."

"But she didn't tell you that I—"

"No Miranda didn't tell me!"

"I just--"

"Just thought that it would be okay to start a new relationship  while you were already in one?" My tone in voice turns wickedly angry.

"It's not like it was serious!"

"Maybe for you, you're only one side of the relationship!"

"I didn't mean for you to find out like this, I didn't want—I didn't mean—I—" He stutters.

"You what? You didn't want me to be hurt? You didn't want me to be angry? You should have thought ahead of that one, buddy, just like you should've thought ahead when you started cheating!"

"Katie, please," he begs but I don't listen to what he has to say.

"You think a simple please will fix this? You thought you had the right to get mad at me, this is all on you!"

"Katie, I'm sorry! I don't like her! I like you!"

I pause. "But apparently not enough to have an actual commitment to our relationship. But apparently not enough to be my boyfriend instead of our boyfriend. Apparently not enough to be and stay true."

He opens his mouth as if he is going to say something but then closes it and he is just silent. He stays silent. Silence surrounds us for a short while, but long enough for my anger to drain as tears begin to pool in my eyes. I take a shaky breath in before speaking up once more. But this time my voice isn't harsh. It isn't rough or mad or fiery yet cold or venomous or anything.

Instead, my voice comes out quiet, smoothly and clear, despite my demeanor moments ago and despite the water in my eyes that threatens to spill over. "I asked for you to come here, to tell you that if you needed a break from the relationship, I would give you one." I don't look at him. I can't look at him. I wont look at him.

I look at him. "But it appears that...I need one too."

Travis looks taken back, broken in a way, saddened, and guilty. He looks like the emotions that I feel, yet the difference, though, is that I have nothing to be guilty for.

"Katie, I—"

"No," I say, my voice not raising or faulting or cracking. "Travis, don't."

And with that I walk past him, open the door to my cohort and step in. I turn around to close the door behind me and take on last look at Travis who is looking back. "Katie, please, I didn't want to hurt you."

I sigh and shake my head as I toss him the apple. I wanted to love you. I want to love you...but maybe it's too late for that.  "Goodbye, Travis."

I close the door behind me.

8 •30• 17
i love you guys but see i told u that you would hate me soon.
school started!!!
rip. here lies jaz who died alongside summer.
💜
also, my friends and i were thinking about having a career in which we are tv show maker people.
i make the script and the screenplay bc im talented in writing.
my one friend is the producer bc she is good at video editing and such.
and my other friend could be our manager bc she knows how to talk to people and how to be persuasive and she always gets us the hook ups for stuff lol.
and yeah !!
how does that sound? good? bad? let me know!

edited
april 11, 2020