Finding it

19

My hand rests on the door for a short moment after I closed it, Travis's hurt, saddened and guilty face still fresh in my mind, though I don't even see him anymore. His cheeks a bit flushed with red, his hair a mess and his blue eyes watering. The conversation playing over and over again and again in my mind.

It wasn't supposed to end up like this. I was going to give him some time, it was just going to be civil and we were going to get over this and everything would go back to normal... The thoughts invade and flood my mind and I can't stop thinking about them.
It was supposed be a soft pause, not an ending where we were both standing in tears.
We were supposed to have some time to ourselves and before coming back together, not leave on a totally different page.
It was intended to be civil, supposed to be talking rationally...not me shouting and yelling at him.
Things would take their tole for a short amount of time...they weren't supposed to explode and implode. They weren't supposed to become a multitude of feelings that would end up breaking me. Feelings, that would break him.

Feeling's that would break break us.

I can't make out anything through the blurring vision I see due to the tears that well up in my eyes. I take in a deep breath, hold it, then exhale. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out. I try to even my breathing and I try to not to let one tear drop.

I will not be weak in front of these people I've only just met. I will not. But its so much harder to cope with emotional pain, than it is with physical. Isn't it? I once was sparring with one of my older, and more experienced in fighting, siblings. He had done a round house kick and landed it  right at my left eye. I controlled my breathing with ease and got back up on my feet to get myself an ice pack. But this is no kick to the face. This is a stab to the heart. A taint in my honor, kind of thing. A distance in a relationship.

After a while my eyesight is still a bit blurred, but knowing I can't stand my the door forever, I decide to to head over to my friends. Just as I am about to step back, a hand is rested on my shoulder. "Katie?" the voice asks.

Alex.

I turn around and see that all my friends in my cohort are there. Miranda, Kia, Angelo and Alex. I can't make eye contact with them. I take a breath in, "Hi guys." My voice comes out and breaks.

"What's wrong?"

"I, uhm, Travis..." I can't do this. I have to do this. "Travis, he has a girlfriend...he has a girlfriend that he didn't break up with before we got together."

"He what?" Angelo, Kia and Alex say furious.

"It's fine. I'm fine." I say, staring at the ground. The ground has never had more attention.

"I'm fine, is the biggest lie anyone's ever said."

"I know." I whisper. "I know it is." My breath hic-ups and I've officially lost control of myself. The tears flood out but my crying is silent other that a few shape intakes of air. I can't stop the crying. I try so hard but I just can't. I can't. I feel a body enveloping my in their arms and before, I didn't think I wanted to be held by anyone. But it seems that it might've been something that I'd have needed for a while. I just feels so good. Like they will protect you from harm's way. Like the world could stop spinning, but it would be alright because you have someone there for you.
It just feels so good. So serene.

I relax in the person's arms and I just let them hold me. I just let them smooth down my hair and whisper soothing words in my ear as they rub soft circles around my back.

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