Finding it

36

Walking out of camp, through the Oakland hills, and to the car rental shop was probably the most tiring time of my life. I'm not saying physically, where I'm out of breath, demigods are kind of built for trips longer and harder than this one, but mentally. Kia's words racing through my head, words Travis told her, words about his feelings for me. I don't know what to feel, I'm feeling so many emotions at once, but numbness over rules all the rest. I know my feelings for him are strong and are real, I'm just not so sure how much more I can take with him causing me to feel weak..

Luckily, as we climb into the car, and the boys toss our bags into the trunk, I feel better as I have less weight on my shoulders. We sit in silence for a little before Kia groans, she's probably bored, and reaches up to the dashboard, inserts a disk into a slit and it lets music play. Then she tells us to to roll down the windows and smiles as we oblige. When Kia starts singing over the wind to the song that is playing I can't help but sing along with her as I start to feel better. I relax, let go of my stress temporarily as I act like, and idiot with one of my best friends. I laugh as my hair tickles my face and smile so much my cheeks hurt. Although the boys stay quiet I can tell they're happy, that they're having a good time too.. despite their endeavors to be serious and not look like a fool in front of the other, I know they are having a great time.

We drive for a while, singing song after song, following the directions Kia feeds Travis to the hotel we are staying at, and time slips by. We drive into a lot and Travis parks the car with ease. I wonder when he learned to drive. They don't teach it at camp. Possibly when he was with his mom?
No...He doesn't see his mom that often enough...
Maybe when he snuck out one time from camp and learned quickly?
It is likely...
Perhaps when he went to that place he met Mae...

And just like that, my train of thought goes from lighthearted wondering to painful overthinking. I blink as the weight that was lifted from my shoulders when I was goofing around with Kia, comes crashing down onto me as the reality of my current boy-issues surface again.
"I'm going to check the charge for a one night stay." I hear Alex say, sighing, as he steps out of the car. "Anyone want to come with?"

I can feel his eyes on me as he asks the question, he's asking me if I could accompany him, but at the moment, I don't really feel like getting up and walking around. I'll just sit here with Kia and try to forget my worries—

"I'll go with you." Kia says and she jumps out happily, but not before she gives me a subtle wink that only I take note of, leaving me alone with Travis.

We sit in a silence that slips in and out of awkwardness, but then Travis speaks up. "I had no idea you could sing."

I look up into the rear view mirror at him. I cant tell if he's teasing me, or if he's being genuine, yet nonetheless I'm shocked. "I was just playing around with Kia."

He smiles at me in a sweet way and I realize he was being genuine. The butterflies in my stomach fly and soar, but I force them back down.

How can I be falling for a guy that used me to cheat? How can I fall for someone who constantly hurts me? How can I even fall for someone who is on a date with one of my best friends?

"It's good to see you smile," he also mentions.
I change the subject. Kia told me that he likes me, that he is in love with me, but that is not confirmed until he says it and until he proves it. I stuff the butterflies down even deeper.

"I had no idea you and Kia were a potential thing," in addition to both me and Mae.

His eyes flash and change to an emotion that wasn't as lighthearted as they were before.

"Oh, see, I wouldn't call it a thing."

"Oh," I can feel my temper rising, although there is no reason right now to be mad at him, there are plenty that I can count off the top of my head. "Why not?"

"Well, its more complected than that." He says nonchalantly but sort of shamefully. "Would you say you and Alex have a 'potential thing'?"

"Nope." I pop the p sound. "I don't know if this is what you want to hear right now, considering we're on a date with another person for the weekend, but... I spoke to Mae."

I doesn't respond for a moment, I mean, how can I? Just the name of his ex-not-ex-girlfriend makes me insecure. Mae is beautiful, kind, and has never done anything rude towards me, and I have to be the monster that snatches up her boyfriend and goes to have lunch with him at the restaurant she works at. As much as I as know I shouldn't hear what they have she say about me, I am intrigued. I want to hear what was said, I just can't bring myself to ask. I stay silent, and luckily, when I make eye contact with Travis in the mirror, he tells me automatically.

"I confessed to her and she actually connected the dots by then. She understood where you were coming from, though. Katie, I put you in a really bad spot, making you the girl I was cheating with. And it was a really bad move on my part for me not thinking. I didn't want any of this to happen to you, I never wanted you to get hurt. I swear on the River Styx, I never wanted you to go through all this pain...I mean I even—" He stops abruptly, and its like I am drowning in a sea of words that I wanted to hear for so long. The I'm sorry. The I never wanted to hurt you. The I made you look like a bad person. The I wasn't thinking.

"I tossed you an apple the day we left for Camp Jupiter."He continues, "I wasn't purposing though, I was trying to say that I...I..."

"You love me." I interupt. And suddenly my world is in chaos once more, but also in bliss that there is hope.

"Katie Gardner, I love you." Travis says. "I know this is a bad time, and I don't expect you to say it back, I understand if you don't feel the same, but I love you. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Travis..." All this time feeling alone, and betrayed and cast aside by the love of my life was hell for me. Literal Tartarus. And although there is a lot of room to improve and to grow and change to be better, I can't stop myself from feeling better and feeling like there is hope for us to be as we once were.

I know it is irrational and maybe a bit too hopeful to trust that, someone who has wronged you a multitude of times over again, will finally go on their word to become better, that they will wholeheartedly try to be better, but love is crazy, and I can't stop it.

I am not going to tell him I love him back. No, love is something that must be shown, but just taken with a wild hope of it being true, no I forgive him."I—"

I get cut off my the passenger side door opens and Alex pokes his head into the car. The moment is gone and I don't know when we will be alone again to finish this conversation, but two things are for certain. Travis Stoll is in love with me, and I have the mentality and emotional stability to trust and forgive him, again.

05 / 16 / 18
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