Finding it

24

Travis.

She leaves. Katie, my Katie, turns on her heal an leave me alone behind the Mess hall. I give her several paces to walk before following. She would just get even more frustrated if she knew I was still looking at her, but what else am I to do with the girl I love, if not stare?

I spread the wings of my shoes out and glide about two inches off the ground, so she doesn't hear me. I watch as she enters the room and goes directly back to her table. She puts on a smile for her table as she takes her seat...right next to Alex. I retreat and out of the hall and fly as fast as I can, until I reach to my cohort.

Can she not see what she doing to me? Can she not see how this distance is breaking me?

But then again, she is right. I did dig this hole. I dug it, and now, I have to get myself out of it. I can't just let what we had die all because I couldn't deal with making a mistake. I have to deal with the mistake, and I have to fix it or...

I don't even want to think about or right now.

Come on, Travis. I think,Tomorrow morning! Tomorrow morning no matter how much of a jerk I will sound and look like when I confess to Mae, she deserves the truth. Then when Mae is all sorted out, I will go back to Katie and confess to her, the way I should have. I will apologize not only for using her, but for hurting her, and if its not too late...

My eyes unfocused as the thought pains me, and I feel tears being to pool in my eyes. I wont think of that either.

I sigh and hang my head as begin to walk up my cohort steps, but suddenly stop when I hear voices inside. My eyes widen and in a panic, I'm flying into the roof as quick as I can. I sit down on the roof as two people walk out with locked hands and giggles.

The boy hushes the girl as she mumbles something about not wanting to get caught in his ear by kissing her. They pull back just as soon as the kiss came, it's also gone, and they are smiling and laughing to one another before running off out of my sight.

I let my head drop into my hands and I lace my hands in my hair, pulling. That could've been us. That could've been me and Katie, happy, together, and in love with eachother. But just as the image of my love's soft lips on my once again, for the first time in such a long time, it is distrusted by the words she said.
"Travis, you have become part of me too, a huge part, a significant part, a special part. But I stick to my words. If this carries out for too much longer, it will be only you who is in so deep."

I am still special to her. We are in deep, but she said that she would leave me if I don't get this fixed and sorted out. I have pain, I cause pain. She is in pain, and if I don't sort this out--

Gods, I have to stop thinking about the ifs, buts, and ands.

But how can I, when the only way to keep Katie in my life is to not...mess this up? I've lost her once already, to Myra, now I won't loose her again to Alex and Mae. I can't. I don't know how I would act if she left me. Connor and Miranda are always in the good side of their relationship, and when they do get upset with each other, their honest and get through it.

The opposite of what I've done to my and Katie's relationship. I filled it with lies and hidden secrets that she had to find. And when she did end up finding it out, it wasn't the way she was supposed to know.

I love her. I love her, and she surely is the love that I want and need and live for, but I when I messed up, the sharp withdrawal of that kind of love messed me up.
Plus the poisoning of seeing her happy with her friends without me.
Plus the poisoning of our distance that edged it's way between us.
Plus the poisoning of her being happy with Alex--

This just hurts. I can't escape from it, I can't hide from it. It's not right. It's not fair. It's not what will get Katie and my relationship back. And of course I understand that what I did was wrong. That she deserves better, but I can fix this. I will fix this and I will get everything under control and I will give her better.

I will fix this. I will fix this issue and, hopefully, if I can get this right, she will forgive me.

This issue will be gone and, maybe...maybe it won't matter that she had to be finding it.

11 • 15 • 17
wow this is some TRASH UP IN HERE
but yeah, if u didn't understand any of this, basically:::
Travis understands that what he did was wrong, and he want to get things back under control because it pains him too much to be hurting her in this way, and he is also jealous of Alex(, but he won't admit it). So he is determined to fix this issue and he hopes that when he does, it will be alright that she had to find out the issue itself, instead of being told honestly, like she should've been told.

So ye. love u all.

song: Trouble.
band: Sleeping With Sirens.
💜