Why She Stayed (xxxtentacion)

X. 42

"He threw you away." Megan continues her rant as I sit on the chair in front of our house, I stopped paying attention to her at some point but a part of me still heard her word for word. I couldn't concentrate on one thing at a time anymore.

I kept to myself mostly.

Locked myself up in my room waiting for the day X would be free again.

It had been two weeks since the last I visited him or more like the last time I ever would. I went to see him thinking that maybe everything could be fine again but now nothing was, the guy I loved was in pain.

I was in pain.

I couldn't sleep at night alone anymore, I had to sleep with my mom but even that grew tiring after her consistent asking of who had done what happened to me on that night. I couldn't tell her it was Ben...or at least from what I believed that was his name.

It would break my mom.

She wouldn't recover knowing she had invited him into our lives. Invited in the monster who was taking everything from me...

I blacked out that night and because of that I only remember bits and pieces of that night. That's the only reason I can sort of act normal because the memories of it are blurry and in fragments.

I don't remember much, but I do remember the feeling. The feeling of wanting to die and feeling so disgusted with myself it was revolting.

"Flor!" Megan shouts, snapping her fingers at me.

Shocked I look over at her. "You're doing it again." She says irritated.

"Sorry," I mumble, not sure of what she's talking about.

She kept her eyes on me, "You've been spacing out a lot lately. Sometimes you even look like your about to cry." Her voice softens up. "You need to be strong Flor, now more than ever you need to face this." 

I gulp. "I mean quitting modeling again isn't going to help you. Your still beautiful and pure, Flor."  She places a hand on my shoulder as a comforting gesture.  "I'll help you along the way to heal." 

I nod my head slowly. "If I have you and X...I'll get through this." 

Megan shook her head disapprovingly. "Open your eyes Flor. He's changed...He didn't even go see you at the hospital." She points out. 

I stop her there. "He found me." I whisper half sobbing. "He cried so much...he's hurting so much right now because of me..." I gasp feeling a pang in my chest as I burst into tears. "I just wanted to make him happy." 

Megan dropped her hand from my shoulder and pulled me into her arms, comforting me over and over saying how I'd find someone who will actually love me. "He isn't good for you." She repeats over and over. 

But my heart and my tears know otherwise. 

All this pain was out of love for him. 

I never knew how painful it could be to love someone with all your life that just breathing alone was difficult. But what hurt most was that he was my first love...he was supposed to be my first.   I cried even harder then realizing how I could never have a beautiful memory of that. What was once something pure and beautiful was tainted and bruised by the cruel realities of life. 

And I had ruined X. 

Someone who wanted a reason to live, to love, to believe in something good. I was that reason for a while but now I was his source of pain. I was the one hurting him rather than giving him a reason to live...to believe in love...I was the reason he'd never fall again. 

"Don't betray me." He whispers, wrapping his arms around me.

"You'll always protect me, right?" I ask.

His hold on me tightens. "No one will ever hurt you."

 "when I'm with you I know that I don't want to fuck this up." He's holding me against him now, tightly breathing the words against my ear. "I don't want to hurt you." He pauses. "I don't want anyone to hurt you." He adds.  

But now we were both hurting. 

And I had this feeling that everything was just going to get worse.