21 Questions {Awsten Knight}

T W E N T Y - F I V E

It was the day of the first show, and I couldn't force myself to eat anything with my stomach tying itself in knots. And it didn't help that I was going to be the first one up there. That was the worst.

We had just arrived at the venue and were setting up for my set while Sleeping With Sirens did their meet and greet. I was going to be playing, then Waterparks, then PVRIS, and finally, Sleeping With Sirens since they were headlining. I had been talking to Lucy on the phone all morning, and I had consumed at least three cups of coffee. Great idea, right?

I set up the computer that all my music would come from, along with a little electronic device I would use during my set to add some more effects to the instrumentals. The lights for most of the set would be blue, shifting to a purple and pink hue every so often. Cool, right? Actually, my set up was basic as shit but I was excited, so shut up.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I peed and checked to make sure my outfit was okay before everything started. At least thirty, I can say. My heart was bounding like a goddamn jackhammer and my knees were shaking, I was afraid they would give out on me while I was up there. I didn't look around for Awsten, knowing that if I saw him, there would be no way I could get up there.

And so when the lights dimmed and I heard screaming from in front of the curtain, everything slowed down and I realized this was it. My whole life was ending and starting at the same time, and nothing was going to be the same again. Did I want to do that? Did I want to give up all my privacy for this dream?

Well....too late to back out now??

Lynn smiled and nodded at me before I heard the opening notes to my first song. Damn, this shit was scary. Oh, and of course it was about Awsten. Fuck me, right?

I don't know how I managed to stay upright during my performance, or why anybody was singing along to the words I wrote in my bedroom in the middle of the night. The whole time, I was worrying about what Awsten was thinking as I sang those songs, my knees crashing against the stage floor as I hit the chorus of my first song, refusing to let tears fall into my eyes as I realized the worst.

I loved him.

I loved him so much that my bones ached each night without his arms around me. And I loved him so much that every time I saw his smile, I grew sad.

How could I do this to him?

"I wrote this song about a boy I met this summer. Things went a little wrong, and I'm not sure I'll ever get a chance to fix them. That's why I call this song Bad At Love."

The whole 30 minutes up there were riveting, and I hadn't felt so alive in so long. I couldn't find Awsten, and couldn't help but hope he was watching me from the side of the stage, yet there was no sign of him. So when the whole set was over, I smiled sadly to myself as I made my way off, my chest heaving. I wouldn't bother him anymore. It looked like he found someone else. 

The most important thing about love is knowing when to let the person go, right?

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"You were amazing tonight, congratulations!" Lynn exclaimed, wrapping her arms around my waist to embrace me tightly. "Thank you. It felt like I was going to pass out," I told her nervously, straightening my black skirt I was wearing. "Well you looked really into it. I can't wait to see you play more shows," she smiled, patting my back before turning to talk to her manager, Matt. I let out a sigh before turning my head back forward, reminiscing the memories I had made just hours before. We were out for dinner with the rest of the bands, and I had avoided Awsten all night. I needed to distance myself.

I sipped at my water desperately, trying to look like I was busy or at least pretending to do something. As I looked up, my eyes locked with his and I glanced away quickly, refolding the napkin in my lap. My heart began to beat faster and I bit my tongue, my eyebrows furrowing. I just wanted to go back to the hotel and curl up in bed and never see him again. 

"I'll be back in a sec, I'm gonna use the restroom," I told Lynn, touching her shoulder gently. 

I stood up and tried to walk in a straight line as I shuffled to the bathroom, my head spinning like a carousel.

When I got in the hallway, I leaned against the wall and took in the fresh air, trying to calm myself down. Why was I letting him do this to me?

"Charlotte?" I heard a familiar voice say, snapping me out of my daze.

I looked up to find him there, a worried expression on his somber face. "Fucking hell," I groaned, covering my face with my hands. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not. Excuse me," I mumbled, trying to push past him. His hands grabbed my shoulders and I closed my eyes as I stopped in my tracks, refusing to meet his gaze. "Are you really still mad at me?"

My palms grew sweaty with his hands on me, and all I wanted to do was hold on to him and never let go. Not again.

"Why won't you talk to me? You can't even look at me," he said, letting go of me. "It seemed like you found somebody else, so I was avoiding you because I didn't want to hurt anymore," I explained, crossing my arms as if to make myself appear less vulnerable to him. 

"Found somebody else? Charlotte....how could I do that when all I see is you?" he wondered. I looked up at him, tears collecting in my eyes as I tried to believe him. "She's just a friend. There's nothing happening between us, I promise. I've been trying to get through to you but all you've done is shut me out. I care about you."

Tears fell from my eyes as I let out a sob, finally letting myself wrap my arms around his frame, breathing in his scent as he held on to me tightly, kissing my forehead. "How could I leave you behind Charlotte?"

I couldn't manage to speak, just cling to him until the tears stopped flowing. 

"I'm not angry anymore."