DOUBLE BETRAYAL (Part 3)

Lonely

It's been four day's since I've seen or spoken to Dem. I understand he's got a lot going on, but so do I. At least he could have given me a call or even a short text to let me know he's okay. It's not fair to me, all this wondering and worrying. Plus, with all this extra time on my hands I've been doing a lot of thinking. When I first came to New York I had all these wonderful plans. I was free from my abusive step dad and his rotton son. No more seeing my mother drink herself into a early grave. I really was excited about studying human relations and helping kid's in crummy situations, but since I've meet Demarco it seems I've lost sight of my dream. I've allowed him to control so much of my time, wants, and mostly me. Even when he forced me from my job and apartment I fought him a bit, but eventually fell right into his clutches. Now, I'm doing exactly what he wants. I'm living with him, working for his mom, and my mother is tottaly dependent upon him. Don't misunderstand me though, I am forever grateful to him for helping my mom and changing that aspect of my life, but can I hack it.

I don't doubt that he loves me in his on hard way, but I need more from him. I need those romantic dates and mushy moment's. I need those spontaneous flowers, trips, and playful moment's. Demarco is strictly business all the time. We can't go out much anymore since he became king, it's too risky. He's never even slow danced with me. I know his show of love comes in the form of being protective and he feels that all that lovey dovey stuff is for weak men, pussy's as he calls them, but I need that so. No, I'm not a needy girl and I don't demand his attention all the time, but I'd love just to be made to feel special on occasion, taken out and shown off, just little reminders that I'm his girl and he cares.

Yes, I know my failing grades and having Jax consistently hit on me are child's play compared to his problems, but it be nice to have someone to vent to, to offer their help, to say "I got your back babe". Shit, just to know that they care and want to know what's going on in my life. Then the big fat elephant in the room is what he does for "work". Me, being a humanity major, can I really accept that my could be husband is a killer, deals in drug's along with other corrupt doings. I love him so but sometimes love just isn't enough. I can't honestly tell myself that I'm happy, because I'm not. I believe I've reached the point in our relationship where I need to be certain I'm with the right person, and right now I'm not sure Demarco is the one.

Before I left work, I put in a two week notice and it felt so right. I'd already landed a job in the local social works department, my element, my passion. Yes, Laney was sad but understood my need to venture out. She also agreed to keep it to herself until I could speak with Dem. After work I stopped by my favorite Indian Bistro to enjoy my dinner... alone...again. As I relishing my meal I was nose deep in a current novel and I never noticed someone take a seat on the other side of the table until the waiter approached to take their order. Looking up confused, I saw Jax. My first response was to roll my eye's as he laughed showcasing his dimples. "How long have you been here?" I insisted.

"Oh, long enough to watch read the past few page's. Did you know that you absentmindily twirl your hair when your reading and your lips slightly move along with the word's?"

"I do not". I argued.

"Okay, if you say so. I've only been watching you for ten minutes." He thumped the cover my book. "Sasha dies at the end". He stated flatly.

"What" I hissed angrily. "How do you know and why would you spoil it for me?"

"Relax beautiful. I'm kidding, but I have read it. She's one of my favorite authors".

"Mine too". I mumbled.

"So what are you doing out alone?"

It wasn't his business so I just went into defense mode. "Look, if your hear to badger me for answers or tell me the reasons I should get out please just save it. I've had a shit week and I really need to just chill".

Holding his hands up in surrender he chuckled. "Fine, fine, but actually I wasn't here to do either. I'm actually here to apologize for the other night. I had no right pushing myself on you and I'm a dick for doing that".

"Yes, you are". I agreed.

Giving a sigh, he spoke again. "I know your with Demarco and I won't try to come between what you two have anymore, but at least just let me tell you how I feel. You drive me crazy Samantha, I don't understand it myself. I love your laugh and how sometimes your eye's look blue then in the next second I see green. The way you constantly tuck that stray hair behind your ear even though you know it won't stay. I know I have to right to you, I just wish we could've met under different circumstances".

Not knowing what else to say I simply replied "thank you Jax".

Yes, I'll admit that I was touched that he'd taken the time to notice my little quirks, but now was not the time. He interrupted my thoughts. "So what do you say we not talk business and just enjoy dinner over friendly conversation".

Smiling I said. "Sounds like a plan to me".

"So Miss Samantha how's school treating you?"

I admitted my shortcomings to him and he listened intently. When his phone buzzed he just silenced it and remained focused on me. Demarco would have never done that. He even offered to help me study sometime and really seemed interested in what I had to say. When I told him about putting in my notice today and my new job he congratulated me and also said if I found out that the job wasn't for me, that the station works with many organizations that helps people. We sat in that restaurant until they started to lock the doors. Jax insisted he walk me home and I accepted. We walked along at a leisurely pace just talking about current movies, music, foods, everything. He stopped at a sidewalk stand to buy him some apples and when he turned around he had a single sunflower for me. Smiling, I thanked him. Tonight was so refreshing and I felt more relaxed than I had in a long time. Once at my doorstep, Jax handed me my bag that he'd carried for me. "I had fun tonight Samantha. It felt good to forget work for a bit".

"Yes it did". I agreed. "Thanks Jax. I really needed a ear tonight".

"No problem. I can be the ear guy".

We both laughed and he asked. "Look why don't we catch that moving we was discussing tomorrow night. If you can't, I understand".

A date,  I thought. Is he really asking me out on a live date. "I'd like that". I replied before I knew it.

Smiling he bid me goodnight and I was amazed that he didn't try to go for a kiss. Once settled inside I knew what I had to do. Like a little chicken, I sent Demarco a text. I didn't have the nerve to tell him to his face. As I punched out the word's silent tears fell down my cheek, but this had to be done. I couldn't live his lifestyle and he couldn't be there for me.

"I think it's best if we break things off. I know your going through a tough spot right now but I am too. I needed you recently but you can never be there for your job. I know you needed your time but I haven't heard from you in day's and it's just not fair to me. To be honest I don't think I can handle living the rest of my life like this, with your lifestyle. I'm so sorry to do this by text and just know I still love you and will never love anyone else like I loved you. You was my first love and everything else. I'll always keep you in my heart and wish you the best. I'm so sorry".

Laying my phone down I cried myself into a fitful sleep. It had to be done.