Finding Me

I Change My Mind

Samira's POV

I found my duffel bag under my bed and decided to fill it with my basic needs. I'll go away from their lives. I won't be a burden that way. They deserve even better than hanging out with me. "I'll leave after two days when exams are over because I didn't work hard for nothing." I suggested to myself. When I finished packing up, I slid the bag under my bed. 

I wore my hijab and a light sweater. I'll just take a stroll down the park. I looked at my phone to check the time and it was 10:00PM. It's not that late so I can spend as much time as I want outside. 

...

When I reached the place where I had been before with Yusuf, I sat on the edge. Memories came flooding back of that night. "I'm sorry, Yusuf. I'm not strong enough to keep going. It's true. I'm a runaway." I said to no one in particular. "I'm a damn runaway." I repeated as chocked sobs escaped my lips. Tears came falling down nonstop as I couldn't stop myself. "I can't take it anymore. I'm so sorry guys. I really am, I just can't." I continued to cry my heart out. Since I didn't expect anyone to be here, I didn't care at all. 

"I...I...am so...sorry." I mumbled to myself. 

I could feel my face getting hot as I sniffed and sobbed for the whole time I was there. "I'm sorry." I kept repeating and repeating. I just wanted to stop trying. Stop all of this. Disappear and be forgotten. Left alone to finally scream as loud as I could. I wanted to scream so badly but I couldn't because I was in a public area even though there was no one in sight. 

My cries started to die down as I was left shaking in the cold. Thoughts were going through my head as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I flinched and turned around to see Yusuf. My eyes were wide with shock as the last tear that was still on my eye fell on my cheek. "Samira?" he called out. I couldn't help it. I just started crying all over again. He seemed taken a back as his face was filled with concern and worry.

"Samira? What's wrong? Why are you here?" he asked again. I wanted to tell him as I opened my mouth to speak, but the only sound that came out was my whimpers and sniffs. "Please, talk to me. Samira, I want to help you." he pleaded. 

"I...I...I..." I couldn't say anything else. "I'm...s...sorry." I managed to say. 

"Why are you apologizing?" he asked confused.

"I...ca-can't k-keep the pr-promise. I...I can't stay strong." I wailed as he crouched down so that our faces were the same level. "It's ok. You can at least try. Everything will be alright. I promise you." he assured.

"I know that you have a good heart and telling me that I'm ok is normal to say to a broken person.But you just don't know how it feels. You might think that I'm over reacting which is fine since you have no idea what I'm going through. You have no idea, so please don't look at me like that. Just like you understand." I said once I finally had the will to speak without stuttering. 

"Samira?" he was shocked with I just said as I could feel the rejecting sinking in him. "I'm sorry." I said getting up. "What are you doing here anyway? Don't you have a test tomorrow?"

"I went to get medicine for my mom because she suddenly became sick and she said she'll go to hospital tomorrow morning but I insisted on getting pain killers since we ran out at my place." he said showing me the medicine bag. 

"I'm sorry. I hope she feels better." I apologized.

"No, it's fine. You don't know how it feels so you can't look at me like you understand." he said as he looked away as his bangs covered his eyes. Guilt washed over me. "I didn't mean it that way. Yusuf please. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." I try to fix it.

"No, it's fine. You're right. I don't know how it feels. I don't know. But I do know that everyone has their own fight and their own type of pain and that no one is alone. I don't know how it feels but that mean I don't have feelings or I can't relate." he said as he turned to walk away. 

"Yusuf! I said I was sorry! Please!" I stood as I watched in disbelief. What just happened? Am I dreaming? No, this is real. But why? Why do you have to go and ruin everything? You just got to ruin everything, make everyone miserable! 

Tears started falling down my cheeks once more as I decided that tomorrow was my last day, not Wednesday. Tomorrow. I would be leaving them for good after saying my goodbyes. The final goodbye. I don't know where I would go afterwards but I do know that I'll leave them in peace.