ᵇʳᵘᵗᵃˡ ; ᵐᵃˡ'ˢ ˢᵉᶜʳᵉᵗ ᵈⁱᵃʳʸ ✓

Dear Diary ➤ Part 41

TRIGGER WARNING /// SUICIDE ATTEMPT

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They say sadness is behind anger, yet anger never comes unless in direct self defence; Crying is a cleaning of the soul, a rebonding with the vulnerable self, a chance to realise what suffering and pain are for you.

It was her tears that kept her soul alive in the furnace of the aching pain. They cannot extinguish what has been, yet only carry her forward until a time comes when that searing pain is distant enough to forget more than remember, and maybe one day erase itself from her brain.

That level of trauma Mal carried was an inside job. They broke her and watched her bleed. They saw her fail to eat, fail to sleep, and kept on the pressure with their lies and manipulations, increasing the level of cruelty as they went.

After after everything she went through with her friends, all the memories, comforting each other, all the laughs, facing discrimination with each other, fighting side by side with each other, stealing from each other, encouraging each other, they would leave her in her own world of pouring misery without an umbrella.

After everything she went through with Ben - the dates, the laughs, the conversations, the walks, the love connection he claimed they had, all the fighting she's done for him, all the privacy invasion and judgement she put up with for him, all the changing herself to please him - he left her.

Mal sat up in bed, the vision helping her see was covered up in the tears rampaging out her eyes.

"I... I can't do this..." her mind was weak, knowing she'd have to face her demons, all of them wore his face. 

She felt alone and helpless. Like the time she was lost in the streets as a young girl, kicked out the house and wandering around for places to rest.

The purple head shakily removed the covers. The second her feet touched the ground she failed, weeks of none eating catching up to her. Mal cowered on the floor like a frail puppet held in place by a single fraying string.

"I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I can't do it. I don't want to... I don't want to.. I don't want to..." she sobbed even more, pinching at her heart, praying for the pain throbbing in there to stop.

Mal reached for the bottle of pills on her nightstand, her eyes shut tight - the voices in her head roaring louder and louder reminding her of the ever-lasting suffering pain she was in. Memories that played in her head, behind those voices, did not help the purple head.

Twisting open the bottle, she pictured as a spell potion. She pictured her in the kitchens with Evie, Jay, Carlos, Ben gathering the ingredients for her. The potion would hold peace inside of her, but only worked as the after calming of a terrifying storm.

And that's how see saw it. As the after calming of the terrorizing storm she's been in. Her walls has been destroyed, mind has been swept up and heart has been weakened to fragility.

She needed this.

And as she tossed her head back to allow the after calming to present itself, the wave of tsunami followed up behind it.

The panic starts like a tightening of the chest, as if the muscles are trying not to let another breath in, but instead to die. Then the breath comes, shallow, lungs unable to move much against the suddenly heavy ribs. Then her mind becomes as static, thoughts making no sense, replays of horrors once forgotten. 

Her body became limped as her head officially hit the floor, unaware of the blue head who stormed in the dormitory screaming for her friend not to.

"Mal!" was the last screeched out word she heard before the state of calmness officially swept her up and made her its citizen.

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This was definitely rushed. I will go back and edit it most likely. I just can't go more than one week without at least one update from one of my stories.