Incognito You

Toxic Love

/'The saddest kind of sad is when your tears cant even drop and you feel nothing. Its like the world has just ended.
You dont cry, you dont hear, you dont see.
You just stay there.
For a second, the heart dies.'
-Anonymous/

Glaiza
"Alex, thank you talaga sa tulong ha. Mabuti na lang at may vacant pa dito sa dorm mo."

I place my black luggage bag on top of my new bed. I slowly summarize its content and settle them in, one by one.
The dorm is two blocks away from the hospital where i would spend my training. I meet my new friend Alessandra from the orientation two weeks ago. She's from another school but we're both training under the same hospital and batch.
She's moody and a bit tackless but she's nice. The room have two seperate single size bed with individual cabinet and study table. The rent includes water, electricity and internet connection, not bad.

"Are you okay Glaiza, you seem lost."

I bitterly smile, im really an open book. Trying to reflect this strong persona but my own self betrays me. I share my love mishaps with Alex, she listens with full attention. She now understands my on-the-spot move in.

"Pero Glaiza, isnt it a bit harsh, i mean they make out but wala pa naman nangyari diba?"

I pull the chair from the study table and sink myself in. Every bit of pain flashback before my very eyes, the sight of Rhian kissing the hell out of Katrina, i can almost hear silent moans at that time.

"Pero bakit ang sakit Alex? Bakit para akong pinapatay? If its just a harmless 'making out', then why am i hurting this way?"

Gumilid na ang luha sa mga mata ko. Nasasaktan ako dahil ayoko mawala sa akin si Rhian pero mas lalo akong nasasaktan sa tuwing nakikita ko siya. Parang literal na sinasaksak ang puso ko. Alex sit beside me and rub my back while the tears make its way out of my eyes.

"Im not a bad person Alex, she's the last person na gugustuhin kong saktan. But the pain is making me lose myself. I love her so much kaya ako nasasaktan ng ganito. Have you been cheated before Alex?"

I ask her in almost a sob, she signal me yes.

"You know the feeling of doubting yourself? Am i not enough? Anong kulang, saang banda? May mali ba? Sana sinabi mo para nagawan ko ng paraan, para na ayos ko, willing naman ako mag-adjust para makeep ka, bakit mo nagawa yun? Masakit dito Alex, masakit."

I start hitting my chest, mas okay pa masaktan ng physical kasi pagkatapos magpasa, mangingitim tapos wala na, pero ang emotional pain, it would not stop eating your body but it would eat away all that you are. Buong pagkatao mo wasak.
Kinausap din ako ni Mike, wala naman daw nangyari so wag na gawing big deal. Hindi ako sumagot, instead i walk out baka kasi pati siya masuntok ko. Gusto ko isumbat na kung sa kanya hindi yun big deal, pwes sa akin major deal yun. Iba-iba tayo ng level of pain and tolerance. No one can dictate kung ano ang big deal para sa akin at kung ano ang hindi. Nobody knows what i'd been through in my life kaya walang pwedeng magjudge if the 'no big deal making out' is eating away my soul. Ako lang ang nakakaalam sa lalim ng pagmamahal ko kay Rhian, ako lang at ang puso kong nasasaktan.

-------------------------------

Rhian
I hug Glaiza's blue hoodie jacket, ito ang suot niya ng una kaming magkita, the day that change both of us. I still remember how i was speechless with her standing in front of me, natawa ako habang pumapatak ang luha mula sa mga mata kong walang pahinga. Nakabaluktot ako sa ilalim ng kumot, since she left, the house specially this room turn gloomy. The pain of losing her is killing me but the memories in this room might kill me first.

"Knock, Knock."

Someone's at the door. I keep a deaf ear and dig myself on Glaiza's jacket. The person knocking walks in and sit on the left side of the bed. Im under the sheets but the scent suggest that its Katrina.