Incognito You

Empty Spaces

/'Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.'/
-Vicki Harrison

Glaiza

Tahimik kaming nakatingin sa kawalan, magkayakap at magkaramay. Its been seven months since our Precious passed away and every single night, we cry ourself to sleep.
I told Rhian about the complications and the decision of choosing her over our baby, she never look at me the same way again. Hindi siya nagalit, hindi siya nagwala, hindi niya ako sinisi, she just stands there and look at me from head to foot, measuring my being and questioning my soul.
We were never the same since, i grew aloft and she grew distant. Hindi ako makatingin sa kanya dahil sa guilt na kumakain sa conscience ko, kapag nag-uusap kami, its not like before, madami na ang nagbago. We became something i never imagined we will be, dis-functional.

"How long are we going to live like this Rhi?"

Hindi ko na kaya ang charade na ito, we need to talk about this kahit gaano pa kami masaktan. Matagal na kaming nag-iiwasan, enough is enough.

"What do you mean Glaiza? Gabi na, go to sleep."

Kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap at bumangon ng kama, she walk to the door and im pretty sure kung saan na naman siya pupunta.

"Rhian we need to talk, hindi pwedeng kanya-kanya tayong iwas sa topic, at lalong hindi pwede na magtatago ka na namn sa kabilang kwarto."

I said in a calm but pushy manner, the room im referring to is the suppose to be babies room, lahat ng pinamili naming toys and unisex infant wear dun nakatambak. She spends a lot of time in there, sobbing her heart away

"There's nothing to talk about, pagod ka lang Glai, so am I, babalik din ako agad."

She already have her right palm on the knob when I swiftly run after and grab her left arm.

"No Rhian, we stay here. We can argue, we can curse at each other or we can even hurt each other but we need to discuss about Precious..."

Bigla niya akong sinampal the moment I said our daughters name, agad umapaw ang luha sa mga mata niya. Hindi ko napigilan at naluha na din ako.

"Hurt me Rhi...ilabas mo...Sige.."

Sinampal niya ako ulit...at ulit...at ulit...lumalakas habang tumatagal, I did not bother to take cover, I willingly offer my check left and right, for some reason, I feel numb to the pain.

"I hate you...I hate you...I hate you Glaiza...bakit ako pa ang pinili mo, you could have saved the baby...you could have saved Precious..."

She said in between sobs, Rhian keeps on slapping my face and shoulder alternately, inipit ko sa likuran ang dalawang kamay ko in total surrender.

"Si Precious na lang sana Glai...hindi ako, alam mo ba ang bigat sa puso ko, how could you? "

With eyes close, I savor the rejuvenating pain of Rhian's anger, sa bawat sampal at hampas niya, gumagaan ang pakiramdam ko, nababawasan ang sense of guilt sa puso ko. Malalim na ang gabi at tahimik na ang paligid, mas lumalakas naman ang hagulgul ni Rhian at hindi maiwasan na marinig ito sa ibang kwarto.

Biglang nagbukas ang pinto at patakbong inawat ni Alden ang nagwawalang kapatid. Si Tita naman ay napasandal sa pinto habang nagpipigil ng luha, agad naman siyang inalalayan ni Maine.

"Ate....Ate Rhian enough...tama na..."

Tila mas malakas pa siya sa lalakeng kapatid, the rage of anger is taking over my wife and more than anyone in the room, its hurting me to see her that way. Rhian's pointing her finger on me, one thing she have never done before.